Monday, July 11, 2016

The Good Old Days

I have to admit I sometimes yearn for the old days, before the Internet. Back then I actually had a life.

It started out innocently enough; I got a cell phone in my car. All of the really cool guys on TV  had one, now I did. I couldn't afford to use it a lot, but at least I had some way to get help in the event my car broke down, as long as there was cell service.

Back then is when I think this weird connection we have with our phones started. As I drove around the countryside of this great nation performing comedy I found myself constantly checking my phone.

What was I looking at? The signal strength indicator. I needed to know if I was going to be able to use the phone in the event of emergency. Or what if I did need to make that "important" call? I wanted to be sure my phone that was bolted to the floor of my car would be ready to go.

And what was the first thing I checked when I got into the car? Was my phone still there? It was a valuable item; someone might have stolen it! What would happen to my "cool dude" status if I no longer had it? After all, it was there for all to see, there was no hiding it.

Then there was the excitement of actually using the thing. Yes, I'm calling you, from my CAR! No, it's not a BIG deal, doesn't everyone have a phone in their CAR?

At least back then I was able to take a break. After all, how much time could one person spend in a car?

I didn't realize it then, but I was already on the road to ruin.

The beginning of the end came when they made the "mobile" phone truly mobile. It was no longer attached to the car; I could take it ANYWHERE! Hey! Thanks for calling! What am I doing? Well, I'm sitting by the river now, waiting for someone to call so I can say, "I'm at the river and you can still reach me". How about that!

Sure, the early cell phones were the size of a brick and pretty inconvenient to carry around. But on the other hand ... they were the size of a brick and EVERYONE could see that you had one!

Then they started making them smaller, and no one new you had one, BUT ... you could flip them open! Just like the communicators on Star Trek! In the back of your mind when you watched Star Trek you knew those things were fake, but yours was REAL! HA!

This is about the time that the evil geniuses of the Internet started to take notice. They had been working on their own plan to make us dependent on the Internet and it was going pretty well. Computer prices had been coming down for years now and a computer was no longer out of the reach of your average person on the street. Now everyone was getting one. But to use the Internet, they had to use their telephone line, which was slow, BUT ...

The evil geniuses on the Internet knew a BIG secret. Something that your average person on the street didn't know. The phone system actually WAS a computer system! That's right, for all these years (even Aunt Mabel who was still using a rotary phone) people had actually been using a giant computer network! Because that is what the phone system actually is.

So they came up with a plan ... let's get the phone companies to admit to what they REALLY are and have them add the Internet to their cell phones. We'll keep the Lemmings busy with dial up service until you guys at the phone company can make a phone that can easily use the Internet. We'll take care of it all after that.

We'll make it so they can't go anywhere without us. They won't actually need the phone anymore to talk on. We'll convince them that sending a smiley face or a frowny face is more than enough. We'll convince them that the only place to find someone to marry is on the Internet. We're going to get them to the point that a date night will consist of 2 people sitting at a table looking longingly ... into their phones at OUR Internet, it's going to be GREAT!

And so it was ...

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