Friday, January 03, 2014

New Years Resolutions

If you have read my blog for any amount of time you will come to realize I'm not much for holidays. I am also not much for the traditions that go along with them.

One of my least favorite traditions is the "New Years Resolution". I'm sure there must be someone out there that has actually managed to follow through on their resolution but I haven't met them. I have only met people who made a resolution and then didn't follow through.

That's why I don't make them. I pretty sure I won't follow through.

So even though I'm not going to make any resolutions I do have a few suggestions (in no particular order) I'd like to throw out there:

Stores actually enforce the "Express Lane" -  There is nothing that irritates me more than being in express lane only to see someone ahead of me that is clearly exceeding the maximum number of items. These people aren't innocent either, they can count. I wish businesses would take a "no tolerance" attitude when it comes to compliance.

What I'd like to see is as soon as the cashier keys in the item that exceeds the maximum number permitted a whistle should start blowing and a light flashing. The offending shopper is then surrounded by 4 of the largest bag boys in the store. The offender is then escorted out of the building and told to never return.

People would learn quickly

States should all go to a "reasonable and prudent" speed limit - I'm all for speed limits in congested areas. The only problem is that better than 70% of our nations Interstate Highways are NOT in congested areas. The "no speed limit" thing works on the Autobahn in Germany so why can't we do it? We beat them in a world war and they still have higher speed limits than us? If we don't raise our speed limits then I guess the Nazis actually won.

The ASPCA should not be allowed to run commercials during the Holidays - A lot of us have our TVs the majority of the time. It's gotten to the point that they're used as background noise. I don't need to be in the middle of a perfectly enjoyable Holiday experience when I hear an ASPCA "you're a piece of shit" commercial. You know, the ones that basically say "Having a good time right now? Well let us show you these poor defenseless animals that are suffering while you are having that good time. You insensitive heartless piece of trash. But don't worry, you can relieve your guilt by sending us a pile of money."

If the ASPCA wants to make people feel guilty any other time of the year I have no problem with that. Most people are already miserable then anyway. When I hear their commercials during the Holidays I want to take up dog fighting just to retaliate.

The FCC should allow people to swear -  It is the year 2014 and well actually ... people have been using swear words since the beginning of time. The word fuck first appeared in the dictionary  in 1775.  So I'm pretty sure people are familiar with it along with every other swear word being used today. So why is it that people are willing to listen to people on TV and radio speaking in a way the rest of us don't.

I find it ironic that we live in a country that fought for its independence because we didn't want to be told what to do. We fought a world war to defeat a lunatic that would have taken it over and forced us live in a way that he thought was right.

Yet we will allow a small group of people to dictate what we can and cannot listen to on TV and radio? What was it we fought those wars for again? Why did all those brave men and women sacrifice their lives?

Sure, that makes sense.

So good luck with your New Years resolutions. Let me know how they work out for you. In the meantime I won't be watching what I eat ...

Vilmos has been a standup comedian since 1992.
He created a web site with Podcasts by comedians.
He is the host of The Green Room which is the longest running Podcast on standup comedy.
He also hosts The Mentorist v2 and The Spew.
His web site is
Follow him on Facebook at or Twitter @vilmosthecomic.

1 comment:

anonymousblogreader said...

Our roads are not built to the standards of the Autobahn in Germany. So increasing the speed would be very dangerous. Plus the cars that are marketed and sold to us Americans are not engineered to be high speed cars. Other than that, great blog!