Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Uncomfortable Survey - The Remix


THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

Note: My crazy answers are in blue and I'm not "afraid" of anything.

-Longest relationship

12 years, but I really paid for that one.

-Shortest relationship

Does a blowjob from a hooker count?

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?

If I don't count the number of times they were under the influence of something, none.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?

Sure but I bet they never thought of marrying me.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

Doesn't that require a heart?

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?

That happens whenever I'm out to dinner with someone. Is that a bad thing?

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Only when they pass about before we've had a chance to have sex.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?

If paying by the hour counts as a relationship, then I am happier in a relationship.

-Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you cheat on someone when you are paying them by the hour?

-Have you ever been cheated on?

See above.

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?

The fact that they can be "rented".

-What is the best part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-What is the worst part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?

You have to have one for that to happen.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?

Only when I didn't tip them.

-Talk to any of your exes?

Yes, on the phone. The number is 900 GET-LAID

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?

Sure, I would go back to 1975; a blowjob was 5 bucks!

-Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?

I think they like today's pricing better.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?

Cheap and without disease.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

As long as I pay.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?

No. They are always good to you when you pay by the hour.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?

Yes, once I had to screw a hooker without a condom.

-Have you dated someone older then you?

Only when I'm a little short on cash. Older hookers are cheaper.

-Younger?

Sure, but not too young. I prefer my hookers have experience.

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

That's the beauty of paying for it, no regrets.

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?

Last night at 8:00pm on Colfax in Denver.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Does that mean a 2 for one night? Hell yes!

-Believe in love at first sight?

Only if I have enough money.

-Ever dated two people at once?

No, I can't afford to pay for 2 at a time.

-Ever been given a promise ring?

I've been given a cock ring.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?

See the last question.

-Do you want to get married?

No. It's cheaper to pay by the hour.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?

Some of you weren't worth the money.

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you steal someone when they are being paid by the hour.

-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Like I said in the last question.....

-Do you believe in true love?

I believe in exact change.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?

Don't you have a heart to have it broken?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Week From Hell


First, I have to say everything at Laffs Comedy Cafe' in Albuquerque was great!. Great crowds, great staff and great comics to work with.

The rest of the week sucked ass.....

I should have known I was going to be in for a rough week on Tuesday. That was the day I was actually planning to leave. My plan was to get into Albuquerque early and have a little time to relax. That didn't happen, I didn't actually leave until Wednesday at 2:30 in the afternoon a full 28 hour later than originally planned.

The problem is I have responsibilities when I'm at home. I hate those things!

So I've been looking forward to this trip to Albuquerque for quite some time. My first road gig was in Albuquerque and I've always had a good time there. This was going to be my first week headlining in Albuquerque and I was riding my Harley down.

It was going to be a great week and a great trip. At least that's what I believed.

When I left at 2:30 on Wednesday afternoon my plan was a 6 hour ride to Albuquerque. I figured I would get in a little after dark; get myself settled and get a good nights sleep. That little plan went out the window at about 6:45, when I reached Ojo Calliente, New Mexico. I was about 3 miles south of town when my bike started wobbling badly; my rear tire was going flat.

By the time I pulled off the road my rear tire was indeed flat. Unfortunately there is no place on a motorcycle for a spare tire, I was stuck. About 5 minutes after I stopped a woman that lived in the farm house I was in front of came out to see if I could use help. I asked her if I could park my bike behind one of their out buildings and she said "no problem". The last thing I wanted to do was leave my Harley out overnight in the open on a lonely stretch of New Mexico highway. The first rule of breaking down on a Harley is to NEVER leave it on the side of the road unattended. All it takes is 2 guys and a pickup truck to make sure you will never see your bike again.

I got a ride back into Ojo Calliente (which should translate to "middle of nowhere") to the only motel. You know it's not good when the biggest advertisement on the sign is "Color Television". I paid $50 for the room and it did have a 13" color television that you could watch 4 channels on. Each one filled with a lot of snow. It was a looonnnngggg way from cable.

There was no phone in the room and of course, no cell service. I had to walk about a block away just to get a very weak signal to make calls. The biggest issue; make sure I can get to Albuquerque for a show on Thursday night.

But I had some luck.....

One of the comics I was working was working with was Jeff Wozer and he lives in Denver. I called him and found out he was actually taking a route to Albuquerque that would take him very close to me. We made arrangements for him to pick me up on the way, just in case I wasn't able to get some sort of repair and get there myself.

The biggest surprise was when I got back to my room and went to wash my hands. They were thoughtful enough to set out the soap for me and for added measure, there was a black pubic hair already on it.

Nice.

So I spent a restless night sleeping. Not only I was worried about my bike being stolen; but I also wanted to get an early start on getting the tire fixed. I thought I could use a can of fix-a-flat on the tire which would get me into Espanola, the next town which is big enough to have a motorcycle shop where I could get my tire repaired.

I was told that the only gas station was a mile away and opened at 7:00am. So at 6:45 on Thursday morning I took off to get some fix-a-flat. After a 20 minute walk I find out the gas station doesn't actually open until 9:00. So I have another 20 minute walk back to the motel to wait.

So at 8:40 I again took off for the gas station. I made it by 9:00 but the station wasn't open. The station did not open until 9:30 when the woman that ran it pulled in. Why worry about the time when you are the only game in town?

Fortunately for me they had some fix-a-flat and I bought 2 cans. I then began the 2 mile walk to where my bike was to see if I could get myself going. The walk took forever. The reason was that I had call after call while I was walking. The service is so bad that it is only in patches about 30 feet at a time. My luck was that the phone seemed to ring right when I went into one of those spots and I couldn't move any further without getting the call disconnected.

I didn't get to my bike until 10:45, but at least it was there.

Unfortunately I didn't have much luck using the fix-a-flat. Even after 2 cans, the tire was just as flat as when I started. So it was a 3 mile walk back to the motel and while I was on my way back I had to make calls to get someone out to pick up my bike.

Fortunately for me I have people in an office that can help me out with this. So while I was making the walk back, they were making calls in an effort to get me some help.

I got back to the motel around noon and by then my office had made contact with the Harley Davidson dealership in Santa Fe. Fortunately for me, they pick up bikes within a 200 miles for free! They were scheduled to come and get me around 2:00. That gave me enough time to have a little lunch. I hadn't eaten since 2:00 on Wednesday and I was tired from the 8 miles I had walked. My feet were killing me.

So around 2:00 I see the truck from Santa Fe Harley Davidson. Inside it is one of the biggest bikers I've ever seen. I thought his name would be either "Tiny" or "Killer". If I would have been broken down on the road and he stopped (on his bike) asking me if I needed help I would have told him I was fine and not to worry about me.

But since he was coming from the Harley dealership I figured he was pretty safe. His name was Rick and he turned out to be a great guy.

After picking me up we he took me and my bike into Santa Fe. We made it by 3:00 and I was now only an hour away from Albuquerque. Jeff was still on his way and was going to pick me up and take me into Albuquerque. My bike would not be ready until Friday.

Jeff picked me up about 6:00 just before the dealership closed and we made it to the club right about 7:00. Since the show was at 8:30 we had just enough time to get back to the condo and get ready for the show. We made it just in time.

Friday was a good day. Jeff took me out to get my bike and after an uneventful ride back; my bike and I were now in Albuquerque.

Saturday would not be so good....

The plan was simple. Go down to the Flying Star for some coffee and Internet access. I just had to stop off at the Wal Mart on the way to pick up a few things I needed.

When I came out of the Wal Mart I found my bike tipped over and the front fender was crushed. Someone had hit it and left it there. No one saw anything and there was no note. So back into the Wal Mart I went, so I could buy a crowbar to pry the fender off my front tire. Once that was done, I was able to get to the Flying Star.

It was there that I received a call from my office. Over 300 of my Internet customers were out of service. The equipment that serviced them is located in a business that was getting the electrical wiring upgraded. They had decided to shut off the power to the building without letting me know or making any allowance for my needs. There would be no power until late in the day.

Great.....

On Sunday I get a call from The Bulldog. She lets me know that the son of one of our friends committed suicide. His funeral in on Wednesday.

All the sudden my week wasn't so bad.....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Breakfast With Dad


I admit I enjoy torturing my kids, but I believe it is my God given right to do so.

After all, I spend a lot of my time worrying about them and I have to get rid of my stress somehow. Making my kids crazy is just the way to do it.

We spent this past Sunday morning in Denver. On our Sunday mornings there we have a tradition of going out to breakfast. Along with breakfast my children expect me to embarrass and/or gross them out.

This Sunday was no exception.

It all started before we left for breakfast. I had this zit (very rare) right under my nose. I'd been waiting for it to get that yellow head stage for a couple of days.

Well it finally did on Sunday and I used that opportunity to gross my girls out by squeezing it in front of them. At that point The Keeper swore she was not going to be able to eat.

So then it is just a 2 1/2 block walk to the diner where we eat. I used that time by asking my girls to look closely at what was left of my zit. To my surprise they wouldn't take me up on my offer.

Once we got to the diner and got seated the games really began.

I started when my orange juice came. For some reason or another the girls get grossed out just because I put sugar and salt in it. So that's how I drink mine when I am with them, because I know it bothers them.

Then when they were not looking I drank their water.

Then I ate some of the jelly packets, one of each flavor. For some reason or another, this offends them.

For my next trick I took their straws and stuck them up my nose. After they protested I licked the part off that was in my nose and offered to return them.

They politely refused.

At this point The Keeper once again pronounces she will not be able to eat.

Then once we start eating there is the lot of belching and farting. Each time I look at the girls to express my disgust.

I love being immature.....

I've always done this stuff to them and it started early on.

I used to tell them the wildest stories.

When they were really little I had them convinced there was an adult version of Pokemon, it was the purple version. Instead of Pikacha and Jiggleypuf my version had Herb and Fred.

Then there were all the other things I had convinced them of:

There was no such thing as the Olson Twins, there was really only one and they used trick photography to make it look like there were two. And the Olsen twins were actually one little boy that was made to dress up in girls clothes.

That the Teletubbies were actually a family that were in the witness relocation program. They had originally been a stage family in Vegas but after they witnessed a murder they had to go underground. But they couldn't give up their "show biz" career. So in exchange for their testimony they were allowed to stay in show business as Teletubbies.

I also convinced them that Santa Claus was actually inside the Barney suit. He worked as Barney because the elves made all the toys and he only had to be Santa one night a year. He just took that day off from being Barney.

But don't judge me.

I still let them believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. And it cost me a lot of money.....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Letter From My Car


September 3, 2006

You miserable cocksucker,

I just turned 12 last month and how did you thank me for that? A 1,983 mile trip to Canada across North Dakota in 100 degree heat.

Thanks a lot!

And did you ever think about stopping for something other than gas and to take a shit? I mean ... come on! I need to get a rest sometimes too. I'm getting old and already have rolled your sorry ass almost 430,000 miles. Haven't I put my time in? Don't I deserve a little break now and then?

Of course I do but that's seems to be a little more than your inconsiderate mind can grasp.

No, now your all about that skinny new Harley you have. Little Miss slick and shiny.

You spend all your free time riding her around and making sure she's all shiny and clean. When's the last time you washed me? Oh I remember; it was when the gas overflowed and you used a little of that dirty water the gas station puts out to clean windshields with to wash the gas off.

I feel so special.

I don't know why you spend so much time with that Harley anyway, she's not there for you like I've been.

Where was she when I was taking you through that snowstorm outside of Aspen. There was 4" of snow an hour coming down and visibility was near zero. And the cold; don't get me started.

Were was your precious Harley then? I'll tell you where; inside your garage afraid to come out. Right next to that other old sleazebag you have. You know, the one you were so excited about 5 years ago and spent all that money on her. Where is she now? Taking up space in the garage that whore.

Well you'd better start to treat me a little better because you know what? Some day I will be gone and then what? You'll be sorry that's what.

Maybe you could just spend a little quality time with me. We could go down to the car wash and then the Jiffy Lube. It would be fun!

But I doubt you'll ever do that, because I know you. You stick your key in me and you know I get all hot and just can't help but do what you want.

I don't know how you can live with yourself.