Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My Myspace Experiment


Note: This blog contains foul language (and ideas)

Here is information everyone already knows. Women have an easier time meeting people on MySpace than men do. And I know I am going to get email from some of you girls saying how difficult it is for you.

I feel so bad.....

See the pictures on the left? The top one is me and the other 2 are pictures I pulled off the Internet. I was just looking for a decent looking man and women.

I used these photos to set up 3 profiles in Manhattan New York on May 8 and they remained active until May 28. That's 20 days. Now before any of you get all worked up, I was not trying to fool anyone. I did not make contact with any one and answered no emails received. I just wanted to see who got the most attention.

All 3 had the same information and below is what I put in all 3 profiles:

About me

Hello everyone. I have just been divorced. I have been through a lot over the past year and a half and now. I am definitely ready to have some fun. I like almost everything and will try anything once.

Who I'd Like to Meet

Anyone that wants to meet me, guys or girls. It does not matter. I just want try new things!

;)

My Details

Age: 37
Status: Single
Here for: Dating, Serious Relationships, Friends
Orientation: Bi
Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Smoke/Drink: No/No

So here are the results:

Number of views
Jane: 896
John: 64
Me: 11

Emails received
Jane: 90
John: 6
Me: 3

Friends added
Jane: 26
John: 9
Me: 2

What a surprise! Jane got the most attention. Even a good looking guy with the washboard abs that you girls seem to like got very little attention. Why you ask? It's because you girls don't need to go out and look. Men will always come to you, I bet most of you don't even have the time to look around. And why bother? You have an unlimited supply of men knocking at your door.

Just like in real life. To bad it may not be the one you really want, life sure can be cruel!

Welcome to our world.

So now we will talk about my results. Eleven views in 20 days, which is roughly one every 2 days. How lucky am I? And my 2 friends, you want to know who they are? One is Tom and the other is a free web cam whore that was just sending out requests. She did not even send me mail, but she does put out a bulletin a day telling me she is bored and I should come watch her be bored. That sounds so inviting!

And my email, it's one band request, 2 emails from women using broken English telling me how they are looking for a "long term relationship" and one email from a casino. Now that is interest! I am a stud!

My buddy John didn't do much better.

His friends list consists of Tom, 3 very gay men and 4 women that are promoting the pictures on their pay site. Each one of the women post a bulletin every day to let everyone know they have "new pics"!

Then there is the mail John got. One piece of casino SPAM, 3 messages from gay guys (2 from one guy) wanting to hook up, one from as women that wanted to paint on him (body art) and only one that I thought was a legitimate piece mail. It was from an average looking girl that wanted to see more pics. She wasn't even interested in meeting him.

So now we will get to Jane's profile.....

896 views! That's 44 views a day! She has 26 friends, 25 if you do not count Tom. All of them are men with the exception of 1 band. Every single one of them is a REAL person.

And the mail was great. Here is a little for your edification. OK, probably just the guys because I know you girls are all getting this on a regular basis.

Like Leonardo, a guy that would never have a chance with this email.

Date: May 12, 2006 6:03 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
Hi Jane,thank you for accaepting my add.I would like to get to know you better.Let me know if you do too.


What the hell is he thinking? Way too simple and poor spelling.

Then Paul thought this would work.

Date: May 12, 2006 8:22 PM

Subject: Hi

Body:
Hi Jane, me tarzan
i am interested in meeting u
want to chat with me ?


Yes, this is the way to do it. Something real original!

This is Hogan's attempt

Date: May 13, 2006 9:34 AM

Subject: Hello Angel

Body:
Hello ..how are you?? My name is XXXXX,I just register into this dating site last week after my horrible past years.I have been married twice.my first wife died of lung cancer and i divorced my second wife when I caught her on bed with my best friend making love.I have been heart broken several times and i need a very mature,decent and faithful woman in my life.I am not after a facial beauty but am after the beauty of the heart.I was paused when I search and get to your profile,you look so cute,mature,responsible in apperance and i will like to know you more because something in me is already telling me that you can be my soulmate. Even though we are distance apart but I can easily fly to meet you wherever you are. I dont believe that distance and age can be a barrier to relationship. I am a young gentle Man of 49 years old,from Los Angeles,USA.I am an importer of oil and Gas.I am faithful in love,am caring.I can't promise you that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that the future will bring us many rainbows. I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect or that life will be easy. I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty,my respect,and my unconditionallove for a lifetime. this is my yahoo messenger address.pls add me to your yahoo messenger. XXXXXXX@yahoo.com, i will love to chat with you soon LaDY.


I got to give him credit because for someone new to this he has managed to get everything into one letter. Having one wife die and the other cheat on him? Now if only he could have had a third that turned out to be a Lesbian he could have covered every possible way to be crapped on. Then he brings up soul mate and tells her that looks aren't important to show he can connect on an intellectual level, he is not interested in sex. Of course he ends by letting you know he has a lot of money and is perfectly willing to fly out to meet just to hold your hand.

And you can expect his everlasting devotion, loyalty, respect, and unconditional love for a lifetime; as long as you contact him on Yahoo messenger.

Now this guy tried the direct approach.

Date: May 27, 2006 1:41 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
hey baby do you mind sucking my dick


This must work all the time. I am surprised he has time to write. Maybe he is writing while the last girl that said he sent this to is below his desk sucking his dick.

This is the only one I got from a woman.

Date: May 27, 2006 6:09 PM

Subject: Dear Jane

Body:
My name is XXXXX and I have been dateing XXXXXX for the past 3 months...we broke up recently amicably but I was just wondering for my own health reasons if he has slept with you in that time frame. Because we didn't use protection. I have enclosed the last email....of us breaking up so that you will know I am not lieing to you.


Aside from the fact that the email had a little too much information, Jane would not be sleeping around. She is not even real! It just goes to show the extent to which a jealous ex will go to cock block.

After reading these emails I now understand why we men have such an uphill climb here on MySpace. The men (and one women) that wrote these emails are idiots.

So after this experience I have come up with the following letter to send to women I am interested in. It is a special MySpace letter, something they will be used to. And I bet it will work.....

Date:

Subject: Hey you sexy piece of ass!

Body:
Hi!

I could not help but stop and notice your profile. You have nice tits and what an ass! I would really like to skull fuck you right before I get a shot at your balloon knot.

But enough about what I will do to you, I am sure you have been told all that before.

Let me tell you about myself.....

I am just the man for you. I own my own business and I do not want to drop a name but it is a very well known tech company. You've probably heard of it.

:D

I do not want my wealth to intimidate you. Just because I have my own private jet and a home in Aspen doesn't mean I am not looking for a bright, honest and intelligent woman to be my soul mate.

The truth is I am just a regular guy that is looking for a regular girl.

Or.....

You could just meet me and suck my dick.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm At My Wits End


I'm at my Wits End

That's right, this week yours truly is doing his very first MySpace show. It's going to be at Wits End Comedy Club in Westminster (Denver) Colorado on Sunday May 28.

I have to admit I am looking forward to it and I am looking forward to meeting you, my friends from MySpace.

Generally as a comic people don't actually come to see me. They come to a club because they want to see comedy and I happen to be the "comic du jour". They have no idea who I am or what I am about. They just hear my name announced before I go on stage. I bet it takes them at least 15 minutes to decide if they even like me. Then another 15 to really "get" me. By the time I am finished they are just in a place they can really enjoy me.

You on the other hand should have a lot more fun. You already know something about me. Maybe we have exchanged some email. Maybe you have read my blog. Or maybe both.

It's going to be a great time!

I've been appearing at Wits End since I started doing comedy and have a lot of great memories. I thought this would be a good time to share one.

Wits End Comedy Club was opened in 1991 by George McKelvey and John Cooney. George left the club after a few years to continue to pursue his comedy career (he still performs) and Cooney stayed to run the club on his own.

Cooney had a reputation for being a real hard ass and seemed to be proud of it. Coming into Wits End was always a little unnerving for me. I never seemed to know where I was at when it came to Cooney. But to tell you the truth that made it a little exciting to.

So one of my first weeks as an opener was working at Wits End. It was May 1996 and I had been opening for about a half a year when I was put on a show opening for a comic name Jimmy Gilliece. It was my 2nd time at the club and I was still very nervous around Cooney.

Jimmy on the other hand had been a comic for quite some time. It was his 6th time at the club he had been coming there once a year since 1990. He was not worried about much of anything.

I can remember talking with him about comedy and feeling that he really had it all going. He was still touring then and had just bought the restaurant. He was having a great time doing comedy and was very good. The audiences just loved him.

So it had been a fun week so far and it was Saturday night. Jimmy had just gone on stage and a few minutes into his set I noticed that a couple of girls that were sitting in the front row were heckling Jimmy. Now this is not a good idea. Especially with a guy as good as Jimmy was.

He was in the process of slicing and dicing these girls when all of the sudden he took his glass of water and threw it at the girls, drenching them both. Every bit of energy that was in the room left immediately. You could hear the gasp and then nothing but silence.

The minute it happened I looked to the back of the room to see what Cooney's reaction would be. Lucky for Jimmy, Cooney had left. He did that sometimes during late shows. I was thinking that Jimmy had really dodged a bullet. If Cooney would have seen that Jimmy would have a BIG problem.

Well Jimmy spent the rest of the show trying to get the audience back but never had any luck. He even picked up the check of the girls in an effort to smooth things over.

But his luck ran out at the end of the show.

Cooney came back to the club just as the show was ending. He was at the door when the girls were leaving and they took him aside and told him what happened.

I watched as Cooney took a beeline to Jimmy and when he got there told him "Jimmy, I want to talk to you in the office". Well Jimmy thought he would be smart and told Cooney "Whatever you have to say it to me out here".

Well Cooney took him up on his offer and ripped his ass like I had never seen it done before. To his credit Jimmy stood there and took it all in. Then they went into the office to finish things up. I thought I would never see Jimmy again. I thought for sure he was fired that night.

The next night I came to the club fully expecting to have a different headliner. But there was Jimmy calmly waiting to go on stage. I didn't ask him what happen and he didn't say anything. As a matter of fact, I never saw him again after that night.

But I did do a search on the net before I wrote this story and found out he was out of comedy but stilled owned that restaurant. It looked like he was pretty successful at it to.

So in honor of Jimmy I'd like to leave you with a joke he told. I rarely remember them, but I liked his so much it has stuck with me all these years.

I really love my girlfriend. One of the things we did to be romantic was we bought a love candle.

Before we made love we would light it and it would burn while we were with each other. Then put it out when we were finished.

But I think something is wrong.

Because the last time I was gone for a week I came back and the candle was.....

A different color.


So there you have it, one of my favorite jokes.

I hope you can make it Sunday night and I tell you one that you will remember.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Dating Guide For Beautiful People - Part II


If you read my last blog entry you'll remember I got off track in my quest to explain to you really attractive people why you should be dating us average looking folk.

So me get back to my point, why you should be dating an average looking person.

It's been my observation that most people are looking to date someone they feel is at least as attractive as they are. Which means that as a rule us average looking folk have no chance with you attractive people. Now I'm not saying it never happens. We've all seen a couple that made us wonder "How did those two get together?" It's because a very attractive person was able to figure out average was a much better choice.

And here's why.....

You know how your Facebook inbox is always full and you always have friend requests? When you are on a date it doesn't matter who you are with. In the back of your mind you always know there plenty more choices if this one doesn't work out. Don't you think that attractive person you are looking across the table at is thinking the same thing? Face the facts, you are on the bubble just like us average looking folk.

Because just as sure as you are going to say NEXT if they accidental pass gas on the date they will do the same to you if you chew too loudly at dinner.

And I can tell you this.

Any average person you might date would gladly sit at a table with their eyes watering because you had the worse gas on the planet. And if you asked them why they were crying they would tell you they were tears of joy, that they are just happy to be in the same room as you. That's the kind of commitment an average looking person brings into a relationship when they are dating a very attractive person of the opposite sex.

Can you say the same?

Are you willing to max your credit cards out to take your date out for a spectacular evening? Knowing that you will be eating macaroni and cheese for weeks because you will have to pay the cards down far enough to have a few more of these dates? I can tell you that your average looking person will. I know I personally have survived on tomato soup made out of ketchup for 2 weeks to save up enough money to take a hot girl out.

Wouldn't it be nice for the person you are dating to call you when they say they will? Show up on time? Not cancel the date they made with you because "something else" came up. Don't you want to feel like you are the most important thing in someone else's world. That's what you get dating an average looking person. They are soooo happy to be dating you they will make sure to be punctual and hold up their commitments. Never again will your plans have to change.

And they will be there for whatever you may need. What do you need? No problem, we average looking people are here for you. Being with you makes it all worthwhile.

And the sex? Well I can promise you it will be great! Imagine someone that is there just for you. Because we know we have to really make you happy. We want you to come back for more. It's not all about your pleasure, not ours. So if you see a few stretch marks on your partner you are with the right person. This person really wants to please you!

So in closing, here are a few more reasons to date an average looking person.....

Always willing to be flexible to accommodate your schedule.

Always has that extra little bit of money you need in the checkout line at the store. What am I saying? We'll go to the store for you.

Always notices the new haircut, hair style, new dress, new clothes, shoes or any other change you make.

Always likes whatever change you make.

Which movie did you want to see? We don't care, we'll LOVE it!

That also goes for which club you want to go to and what did you say you wanted to watch on TV?

Need some errands run, car washed or have your oil changed? We have time for that.
Have something that needs to be done around the house? We will find or buy the tools needed, we are very handy.

Did your dog swallow a ring and someone has to follow the dog around until it comes out. Where are my glasses?

No time to cook dinner? No problem, we love to cook! we also have to do the dishes. After all it's only fair, we're the ones who got them dirty!

All I'm saying is there is no limit to what we will do to be with you. All you have to do is appreciate it, date no one else and throw us a little sumpin sumpin every once in a while.

Now isn't that simple?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Dating Guide For Beautiful People - Part 1


This is for all you beautiful people. You should pay attention because I am going to give you some information on how to make your life better.

Quit dating someone as good looking or better looking than you. You are wasting your time and you will NEVER be happy.

And here is why.....

First of all, I am average looking so I know what I am talking about. I'm the guy that in high school had no date for the prom, homecoming or any other dance they happened to have when I was in school. I was the poster boy for average looks and shyness. I was rewarded by virtually no love life in high school.

Even today I attract no attention when I walk into a room. "But that can't be true you say" Well it is and actually I have used my special talent to make a lot of extra money over the years.

I can't tell you the number of times someone has been foolish enough to make the following wager with me. I will bet anyone (even now) that I can walk into whatever club that is the meat market of your town at the height of business on a Saturday night, sit at the bar or table of your choice and drink until midnight without being shown any interest from the opposite sex.

Of course we exclude directions to the bathroom; are you using this chair; and have you seen [insert guy description here] walking around.

Women weren't interested in me in high school and that has never changed. It's a wonder I was ever able to get married. It just goes to show you how far begging and the lack of a restraining order can take you.

And let's make something else perfectly clear. For some reason or another people seem to think that just because I'm a comic and I am on stage that I have groupie chicks everywhere I go. They think that when it comes to women that being a comic is like musician. That just because we are on stage somehow that translates to getting laid.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. The actual truth is that comedians don't get laid and I have statistical evidence to support that; here it is.

I have been on the road since 1995. On average I have worked 28 weeks a year since I started. Now a comedy week is 7 shows and has 3 comedians on the bill. So by taking the 7 shows in a week and multiplying it by the 3 comedians that gives you 21 possible attempts to get laid a week. Multiple that by 28 weeks I work a year and you get 588 attempts a year. Then you multiply that by the 11 years I've worked and you end up with 6,468 attempts since I've been on the road. Now I am going to have to adjust that number in consideration of several factors. Men that are married or in a relationship and are faithful (yes they exist); lesbians; gay men; guys that aren't interested in getting laid (statistically non-existent); and women, who as a rule have no interest in hooking up on the road.

So for the sake of this argument I will reduce the number of attempts by 50% to allow for the above. This makes the number of times I personally witnessed guys trying to get laid on the road 3,234. And do you want to know how many times I have seen someone actually have success?


8 times


That's right, just 8 times and here's why. We are NOT musicians, they do get laid ALL the time but you cannot compare us to them and here is why.

When a woman goes out to see a band and is listening to the music it is evoking an emotion in her. She is feeling something, actually whatever she wants because she controls how she reacts to the music. And on that stage is this guy that is creating the music that is making her feel the emotions. Isn't that a great thing?

And the beauty is she can use her imagination. He can be whatever she wants him to be. He hasn't told her anything about himself. She can believe whatever she wants about him. He can be the shy creative type. He can be a hopeless romantic or the bad boy with a heart of gold. In short, he can be her fantasy of a perfect man.

He ends up being the mysterious man of her dreams (or at least the man of the moment) and what women wouldn't want a shot at that?

With a comic it is different. I am on stage for up to an hour and during that time I give you a lot of information about myself. Some true, some not so true. I am "in character" during my performance and I give you an impression of me. By the time I am finished you already feel like you know me. There is no mystery and it is not conducive to getting laid.

And girls, let's not forget mind set here either. When was the last time you and your friends all decided to go to the comedy club to meet guys? That's not the way it works. A comedy club is generally a couples destination.

The exception is the bachelorette party and what the hell is that about? I'm not saying I don't appreciate you being there but why would you choose to spend one of your last nights of being single at a comedy club? You should be at a male strip club fishing for Mister Wiggly with dollar bills. Because I'm telling you right now that your future husband is out with his friends doing things they can never speak of again.

Anyway.....

You also have to factor in the amount of alcohol consumed. The average comedy show is an hour and a half. At a comedy club you sit and have a couple of drinks then leave. Compared that to drinking and dancing all night with a band at a club.

In the comedy world the old saying is the more you drink, the funnier I get. In the rest of the world it is the more your drink, the more handsome/prettier I get. You have to admit the one thing alcohol does well is lower standards.

And I just now realized that I haven't even gotten to the point of why the beautiful people out there should be dating average looking people. Looks like that will be in another blog.

So it looks like the point to my blog is this. A comic has better chance of getting into a traffic accident than getting laid after a show at a comedy club.

Your girls always say a sense of humor is the most important thing, but I'm not so sure.

Damn musicians.....

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mongo Gone


..... and it is a sad day in the MySpace world.

Note: If you don't know who Mongo is please read the previous blog before you read this one.

It is my duty to inform you that sometime in the evening on May 6, 2006 Mongo deleted his profile from MySpace.

We at MySpace should in mourning. Mongo will most surely be missed. I hope that when Tom at MySpace was told this that he ordered the flags at the MySpace offices worldwide to be flown at half-mast.

At this must be a crushing blow to the one person on his friends list.

qwaeswrdtfygvuhijok

If sorry about the above line but I'm leaving it in. That was me wiping the tears from my keyboard as I write this blog.

My heart is breaking.....

No longer will we have Mongo to keep our MySpace safe. No longer will we have a defender of all that is good and right. No longer will we have someone to explain to us what MySpace is used for.

We won't be able to see his blank stare when we open his page. Or view his one friend.

No longer will we be able to laugh at his joke about how Nick and Jessica are back together.

No longer will we have the opportunity of the friendship of such a fine man.

And then there are all the things that Mongo and I could have done together.

We could have gone fishing so we could both sit out in the middle of the lake in a little fishing boat. I could have listened to him tell me about spamming and advertising.

We could have played catch in the front yard while he told me the right way to tell someone to fuck off.

We could have sat in front of the barn chewing on a piece of straw while he told me how to set up a MySpace profile built for only one friend.

There is so much we could have done together.

aestdyiuhjiboni,46esy5rctvyhbnkpm;l

Sorry I had to wipe again.....

I'm not really sure I can go on.

I have to tell you. A MySpace without Mongo may not be worth it. I may have to make the ultimate sacrifice. I may have to delete my profile.

I know this is a short blog but to be honest with you I just don't feel like writing any more. I guess I should just end with a personal message to Mongo.

WE MISS MONGO

MONGO MAKE US SAD

MONGO COME BACK

MONGO BE HAPPY

WE BE HAPPY

** sniff **

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Mongo Angry


It looks like I've finally really pissed off someone on MySpace.

And I'm going to call him Mongo.

Now as this progresses you will see Mongo is a man of few words and it is obvious that he chooses his words wisely. You can also tell he has an extensive vocabulary which most certainly has come from his education at the finest of schools. His understanding of the English language and how to write using proper grammar and punctuation are beyond compare.

Now if I have already peaked you interest in this fine human being you can look at his profile [link removed]. Doesn't he remind you of the Mongo in Blazing Saddles? Just a big dufas? There's just a blank I don't understand look on his face isn't there? Doesn't he look like the guy in high school that they had on the football team because he was just huge? They had to give him special instructions like. Now remember Mongo, don't try to tackle anyone wearing a white jersey, because those are our guys. And you don't want to hurt our guys do you Mongo? And if you forget which color just look down at your jersey and you'll know.

So how did I manage to piss Mongo off you ask? It started innocently enough. I sent him the same letter I sent you; a short polite letter asking him if he would like to have a comedian friend?

Now when Mongo got this letter he felt a need to reply.

And this is what he said..
*************************************************

From: Mongo

Date: May 3, 2006 1:21 PM

fuck off

*************************************************

Well, I really don't take kindly to that. After all there is no need to be rude. I just asked a question. A polite, no thanks or ignoring me would do. But Mongo went deep into the well of his education and communicated with me in such a way that I would clearly understand his intelligence.

Being the kind of guy I am I cant just these things pass. So I sent him the following response.

*************************************************

From: Vilmos

Date: May 3, 2006 1:32 PM

That was soooo original. Can I use that?

*************************************************

I just wanted Mongo to know how childish I thought his answer was so I sent him a note that he should have been able to figure out. Now I will admit I misspelled Soooo but I thought a man with his education would not fault me for that and would be able to get my meaning. Should I have been so antagonistic? Of course I should have! A guy like this deserves to have his chained jerked around a little.

And the good news for him is that I'm just the perfect guy to do it.

So later that day I received the following.

*************************************************

From: Mongo

Date: May 3, 2006 6:17 PM

go somewhere else to do your advertising

*************************************************

Once again he comes up with a real zinger, a convincing argument that is well formatted, clear and concise. His college English professor would most certainly be proud.

Now I will admit he did not ask for a response here but he did provide incorrect information. He asked me to go somewhere else to advertise. Now first of all I am a little anal about these things and I do not feel I am advertising. I believe I am Networking which in my mind is clearly a different thing.

And really, isn't that what MySpace is all about? Putting your information out in a public forum for all to see. Make new acquaintances, find the love of your life, date or just plain hook up?

So I felt that Mongo being the intelligent man he was would appreciate my pointing this out to him. So I sent him the following reply.

*************************************************

From: Vilmos

Date: May 3, 2006 8:41 PM

Mongo,

The name seems to suit you. You are reminding me of the character in Blazing Saddles, big and stupid.

You haven't seemed to grasp the nature of MySpace.

It is people communicating and networking with other people.

If you don't want to be contacted by people you don't know there are ways to set your profile up to avoid it.

Then there's the part that instead of ignoring me and blocking my profile from contact. You decided that it would be better to just be a rude prick.

And it's all because guys like you on the Internet feel they can say or do what they want because they are sitting anonymously behind a computer screen.

It doesn't take much of a pair to act that way dude. Would it be that difficult to just do a polite "No thanks"?

And you are so small minded you can't even put a couple of sentences together.

Sheesh.....

Get a life dude.

Vilmos

*************************************************

So as you can see I have already stooped to a lower level and my friends, I am very sorry that you must see these words. I feel nothing less than shame and regret. I could have been a better communicator. I could have not been so abrasive. I could have been a better person.

But I am not.

But then again Mongo isn't either and he sent me the following reply.

*************************************************

From: Mongo

Date: May 4, 2006 3:50 PM

MySpace is not intended for cheap fucks like you to run around sending fake messages to people - only with the sole purpose of advertising. You could care less about people - all you want is people to visit your website and line your pockets.

"Vilmos" isn't much better of a screen name. It suits you too, what with your tee shirt and stick.

I don't tell people to fuck off because I sit safely behind my computer - I tell them to fuck off because I get enough spam as it is, and I would gladly confront them in person if afforded.

I decided to be a rude prick because it is important for internet trollers to know that their "mass messages" are NOT welcome by all.

*************************************************

So here is where I have a real disagreement with Mongo. I am not a cheap fuck. I shop at the finest of markets, like Safeway and King Soopers. I own a Honda and ride a Harley. These are not the qualities of a cheap fuck.

And my message wasn't fake. I meant every word I said! I do want to make friends and I will tell you all I've met some very nice and funny people on MySpace.

And I care very much for everyone and try to treat everyone with respect, except Mongo because hes being an asshole and I don't like his poor attitude.

And I don't sell anything; I don't even have banner advertising on my regular web site. I am actually the worst marketing person EVER!

Then he decided to attack my name knowing nothing about me. He thinks I made it up. Unfortunately for him it is my first name. And I don't know why he doesn't like my t-shirt and drum sticks. It makes for a weak argument. So far he was not doing so well. I had expected more!

Then towards the end I get the physical threat and finally I find out the true reason for his anger.

He is the defender of all that is good and right on the Internet. Anyone that is doing something he feels is wrong will feel his wrath!

So here is my reply.

*************************************************

From: Vilmos

Date: May 4, 2006 5:05 PM

You really aren't very bright are you?

First of all, take a look at anything I do on the net. I sell nothing. You make statements that are completely false and have no truth to them. You base them on a complete lack of knowledge. You didn't even take the time to check.

And I have news for you. I care very much about the people I contact and communicate with. I answer all email and treat everyone with respect. And with over 2,000 people on my friends list you are the very first person to react is such a rude way.

And what do you know about my name? It is my first name you idiot. I'm the 18th generation in my family to have it and people in my family were statesmen in Hungary.

Would you care to discuss yours? Mongo!

Any time you want to confront me in person you just let me know. But I'll also warn you to be very careful about who you make that kind of offer to. You have no idea who you might be dealing with.

People like you always pull that one out. What do you think because you are over 6 foot I should fear you? You've got to be kidding me!

And I am not trolling for anyone. I am just looking for people who might enjoy some humor in their life. Not someone like you that is living a sad and pathetic existence. People like you do not have the ability to be happy.

Even your email exchange isn't much fun, it's like slapping around a retard.

I'm looking forward to your next idiotic words.

Moron.....

Vilmos

*************************************************

So again my friends I will apologize for my rude behavior. I should not have lost my temper, but I felt something needed to be said. In truth I think calling him a moron was uncalled for. I should have used the term dumbass.

And here was his reply. After this he finally blocked me; probably to stop the bleeding.

*************************************************

Are you done?! I think you are the one with the pathetic life - nothing else better to do than send endless emails to someone who doesn't give a shit - and you call yourself a comic......

Please move on.....

You are just another spammer

*************************************************

So since he won't take my reply privately, I am forced to send it publicly.

Here it is.

Mongo,

No I am not finished, as you will understand once you read my blog.

Because apparently you do give a shit otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to be so negative. The good news for you is that now 400 - 500 people a day (all those people I don't care about) will read your words and know what kind of person you are. They will see your intelligence and your ability to communicate on a civil level.

Then they will go to your profile and see all that you have posted for the world. They will notice how you only have one friend and that person is probably in your family. It would make sense, as I can't believe anyone other than family wanting to have contact with you. I know I do not. Maybe you will get some friends out of this. Maybe I have done you the favor here.

And for your edification people and comedy are my life. I'm a comic for a number of reasons but one of them is that I truly enjoy bringing laughter into peoples lives. It is my gift of love to them and I give it willingly and expect nothing in return for it. I thank God every day I am allowed to do what I do. I am truly blessed.

I am humbled when anyone enjoys my comedy.

On the other hand I also can be a real asshole which is coming into play here. I just dislike it when people like you think they can say anything they want using the anonymity the Internet provides. You are adding nothing but negativity to the equation.

And the only reason you do that is because you want someone to suffer with you.

Its a shame.

So I will leave you with this advise......

Don't get into a flame war with someone that has been on-line since 1981. You will most certainly lose.

I would also like to end this the way it started.

Fuck off!

Your buddy!

Vilmos

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Some fun!


Recently I became the proud owner of a 2004 Harley Davidson Electra Glide. It used to be a police bike. It is black and it is beautiful and that's of me on it right after I got it at the dealership!

I's the first touring bike I've ever had. Up till now I've always ridden on choppers and Sportser's. All of them have had only one seat, which explains my difficulty for picking up girls. You see, most guys get a bike with 2 seats so they can take girls out on rides. They hope this will lead to other things, which sometimes it does. But not me, apparently my subconscious sees some sort of flaw in this idea (or plan) and has instructed me to only get motorcycles with one seat.

And of course the bike I just bought has (let's all say it together) 1 seat.

Because of my age when people see me riding a Harley they think that I'm going through sort of "male menopause". Or that I'm some sort of weekend rider, a poser, some guy that dresses the part on the weekends and then goes back to his regular life at the office during the week.

I am none of these things.

I'm also going to tell you this. I have no problem with anyone that rides. I don't even care WHAT they ride. There are a lot of Harley snobs out there. It's about the wind in your face not the brand of the bike. Figure it out!

And don't get me started on tank riders, crotch rockets or whatever you kids call them these days. I'm a HARD CORE Harley rider but I'd get on one of those in a minute if I thought I had enough self-control for it. In fact I admire you guys that know how to keep your speed below 100. I wouldn't be able to do that. Riding is like sex to me some times I like it fast and hard, other times slow and pleasurable. I guess that's why I ride a Harley. I like a long slow ride.

So about me.....

I've been riding since 1973 and when I started you had to be tough to ride a Harley.

I rode because I love to, it was exciting. Plus I was a little bit of a rebel back then. I didn't even consider getting a Japanese bike then because getting a "rice burner" was for pussies!

Sure, all those "rice burners" had better suspension, were more reliable and faster than the Sportster I owned. But there was something about riding a Harley that had no suspension on the rear wheel. When you hit a bump your spine was re-aligned. Chiropractors were not popular back then but if the biker community had known about them they would have made fortune!

And man did they rattle. In those days we used to replace as many bolts a we could with allen screws. Then we would carry a T-handled allen wrench with us. And when you were hanging out, talking with you buddies you were moving around your bike tightening the bolts. It was very convenient and a good use of my time.

And riding behind someone with a hard tail was always fun. Because they shook so much occasionally something would fall off. You were constantly dodging nuts, bolts, screws and other small items that shook their way off. Funny though, the women always seemed to be able to hang on just fine.

And did I mention the kick-starter? There wasn't an electric starter back then. It's so easy now. You get on your bike and press a button and your bike just starts! It's magic! Back then when you wanted to start your bike it took just the right amount of choke, twisting the throttle and putting all of your weight on the kick-start to turn the motor. And there was the recoil. It happened occasionally when you caught the kick-starter wrong. It was almost always good for a sprained ankle.

And when you pulled up to some place on a Harley no one welcomed you with open arms. There were no signs that said "Bikers Welcome". Because we didn't have money back then. When you got off your bike and went into a place they watched you the entire time to make sure you didn't steal anything. Unless you were at a bar and you had better be ready to fight. Because when you road a scooter it was implied that you were tough and there were times you got called you on it.

Now I know there are some hard-core guys out there. I'm going to talk about the guys my age that started riding recently because it was" fashionable".

First of all, good for you, I'm glad you are riding. What the hell took you so long? But sometimes you really piss me off.

You won't ride in all kinds of weather.

I've ridden in below zero temperature, snow, hail, and sleet. I've ridden in rain that was coming down so hard that my shoes filled up from the water that soaked in.

And what's with the windshield?

OK, I have one now but it's my first one. I see people putting them on Sportsers! What about the wind in you face, the gravel hitting you in the head? I've ridden my entire life without anything to protect me. I've eaten just about every bug imaginable and been hit in every part of my face by debris.

And quit with the waving!

It's an old tradition that should go away. In the day you used to put your arm out when you saw a fellow Harley rider to show some solidarity. It was your way of acknowledging them Now you guys are waving like you are in a gay pride parade.

Sheesh.....

So to everyone that rides, have a great and safe summer. I hope you see me out there and if you do, but don't fucking wave.