Monday, April 24, 2006

I Know ...


Enough already!

I know that "Puta" is Mexican slang for whore. I was going for the stupid white guy joke. And for the record I knew what "Puta" meant long before some of you were born.

That's because I'm an old guy.....

So I'm going to tell you a little story about my past. That will explain why I know what "Puta" is. And because I have to make everything into a story it's going to take me a while to get there, so bare with me.

Most really good comics are very well read individuals. They are very bright and know a lot about what is going on in our society. They have a natural curiosity when it comes to the things they do not know about.

Unfortunately I am none of these things. I am not well read and I could care less about what is happening outside of MY world. I don't read the paper and I generally have no idea of what is going on. If someone ever launches missiles at us everyone else will be in a bunker and I'll be out driving around thinking "Man the traffic is light today".

The only thing I have over most of my fellow comedians is that I have had more jobs than most of them. My life experience is very diverse.

And it was at one of my old jobs is where I learned Mexican slang.

It was 1976 and up to this time I had been a paper boy, concession stand clerk, janitor, dishwasher, cook, fork lift operator, magazine salesman and worked at a submarine sandwich shop. I was barely 19.

I was working 2nd shift in the factory that made hydraulic tubes and fittings for big equipment. The dirtiest job in the place was washing all the parts. It was because they had to be washed in acid baths and rinsed of. It was hot, humid and grimy work.

Well that work fell upon a group of Mexican guys that barely spoke English. And they hated every white guy in the place except me.

I never really understood why but these guys invited me into their group. The leader (if there was one) of this group was this really old Mexican guy named Emil. Now Emil didn't have but 3 or 4 teeth and was well into his 60's. He also spoke no English. So I would yell "Hey Emil" and his response would always be "aaayyyyyyyyyeeeeee".

And every day Emil's and some of the other guy's wives would make a great Mexican feast that they would eat for dinner. So I got to throw my money in with everyone else and eat some great AUTHENTIC Mexican food. To this day I am a real snob when it comes to Mexican food. I know what the real thing tastes like.

So I would sit at the table with these guys and they would just be talking amongst themselves. I never had any idea what they were talking about. I was really just the token gringo.

They are the ones that got me eating hot peppers. And they would move me up a little at time. I never knew what they were giving me to eat. I just trusted that they knew what they were doing. And just when I was feeling confident they would slip me in a pepper that burned all the way down. It would cause my ass to burn for the next 3 days. And they would have such fun doing it.

The entire time I worked there all the Mexican guys would walk up to me and tell me to go over to one of the other guys and say something to him in Spanish.

And they would never tell me what I was saying. And I knew whatever I was saying was was not good but I would do it anyway because I knew it was amusing to them. Besides that whatever I was saying wasn't getting me in any trouble. They would just laugh and respond to me in Spanish and I would have to go back to the first guy to get it translated. Then I would find out what hell I was saying.

So over the course of time I learned all the great slang like Puta , Y Tu Mamá También, bacalao, pinche, chingate, and all the other the other words and phrases that make the Mexican slang such a glorious thing.

So could I read the Spanish on the menu at a Mexican restaurant? No, but I could call the waiters mother a filthy whore without any problem.

Monday, April 17, 2006

What's in a Name?


Note: If you are offended by bad language, you will probably want to skip this blog.

For those of you that do not know, in addition to being a comedian I also can claim the title "computer geek". I have been in the computer business since the late 70's. I own a computer store and a small Internet service because comedy doesn't pay all the bills. I'm not trying to brag but I can do just about anything with a computer.

So I've been running around on the Internet since it began. And I go back to pre-Internet days when the only online service out there was called a BBS (Bulletin Board System).

I have always been amused by the names people pick for themselves when it comes to Internet usage. I've seen very conservative looking people with screen names like ilikeituptheass. All I'm saying is you never know what to expect.

And now that MySpace has 71 MILLION users I thought it would be fun to take a look at how people on MySpace have chosen to identify themselves.

So here are some of my favorites.....

5 called themselves "Your future ex girlfriend" 12 used "Your future ex-girlfriend" 2 were "Your future ex boyfriend" and 9 are "Your future ex-boyfriend"

This means that there are 17 women and 11 men out there that already know that you are not going to make the cut. The ironic part is that most of them are looking for "Serious Relationships". It appears to me the only thing they are "Serious" about is getting rid of you.

43 called themselves "Cocksucker" 41 were "Cock Sucker" 1 was a "Cock-Sucker" 15 were using "Dicksucker" 35 more used "Dick Sucker" 3 were a "Cock smoker" but there was only 1" Dick smoker".

Only 139 people wanted the label Cocksucker. With being gay so fashionable these days and EVERYONE coming out of the closet I would have thought there were more people that would identify themselves as a "cocksuckers". Ironically, no lesbians use this name. And just for the record, I think "Dick Smoker" was the best one.

And only there was only 1 "cockologist"

What a shame, only one expert on the cock out of 71 million people. You'd think there would be more.

28 people think they are a "Dickweed"

These people want to make sure you know they are a dumb ass. And there were 776 dumb asses listed. Most of which have no picture, I wonder why.

21 use the name "Carpet muncher" and only 2 use "carpetmuncher"

Mostly lesbians in the group, there were a few males though They obviously know how much calling themselves a "Carpet Muncher" will turn on a woman.

5 are a "Horny Bitch"

Only 5! What the hell is the point of being on MySpace then? I might have to close my account.

1 say they are an "asskisser" 5 want you to know they are an "ass licker" and 7 use the term "ass-licker"

Only 13 people that are willing to kiss an ass or two. Out of 71 million? Again, what is this world coming to?

10 say they have a "bigcock" 38 use a "big cock" 36 want you to know they are a "bigdick" 150 say they have a "big dick" and 17 use the term "schlong"

So 251 guys are "claiming" to have a big schlong. And lets call it a schlong because that's the best name on the list. Not many of them have pictures, none of them discuss length or width and I didn't see one profile with more than 50 friends on it. So apparently there's some false advertisement going on here.

460 are "vicious" and 776 think they are an "asshole"

But there is not one vicious asshole. You'd think someone out there would be able to bridge the gap.

59 are "High maintenance"

Almost all of these are women with the exception of the occasional gay guy. These people are making it clear that if you want to be in their world you'd better bring your wallet and every credit card you can get your hands on. A few of them even look worth it.

12 are "frigid"

There were actually more men than women. What the hell is that! There is absolutely no way a man can be frigid. These guys need therapy.

116 are an "ice queen" and 149 use the term "ice princess"

I was hoping for a bunch of ice skaters here but unfortunately just found a group of angry women.

529 say they are a "whore"

Not one of these people had any pricing on their profile. How was I supposed to decide who was worth the money? But I suppose it doesn't matter because most of them should have been giving it away for free anyway.

699 are a "slut"

Now I have respect for these people. They just want to screw someone and make no secret of it. The only problem I had was that not one of them would answer my email. What is wrong with me?

1 person called themselves a "cum bucket"

There can be only one "Cum Bucket" and I see this person as the uber slut. Someone with absolutely no self control. Someone that makes the guy on the receiving side of a glory hole look like they are saving themselves for marriage.

61 people used "suck my dick" and 17 used "suck my cock"

Probably the most honest people of MySpace. At least they are telling you EXACTLY what they want you to do. Whether they are just horny or they could give a shit about you, you absolutely know it. You have to respect that!

Now to the most offensive of all.....

460 actually used the word "nigger"

Clearly one of the most offensive words in the English language I find it hard to believe that someone could possibly justify using this word. It is a sick and twisted mind that would call themselves this and my guess is they are going to burn in hell for it. I know it doesn't sound fair to hell, but even they need something to fuel the fires down there. It's just that I heard shit doesn't burn very well and it smells really bad when you do it.

556 are a "cunt"

Another one of the most offensive words out there, but I have to admit it is mostly offensive to women. Unless of course a woman is staring at a huge cock and hears "I'm going to ram my cock into your juicy little cunt!" I have a feeling that usage is going to be overlooked. However, that is not what is happening here and again the amazing thing? A lot of men are using this. Apparently these guys are not on MySpace to get laid.

109 are a "Puta"

Now I'm going to admit that someone told me I should have this term in this blog. But they wouldn't tell me what it meant. They said I would have to look it up. So I Googled it and this is the definition I found:

"In Roman mythology, Puta was the goddess of pruning vines and bushes"

Now what kind of lame shit is that?

Why are all these people even on MySpace if they are worshiping the goddess of pruning vines and bushes? Surely they can find something better to do.

So after looking into all this I thought that maybe I should change my display name. After all, mine is pretty lame by these standards. It's just my first name. So here is what I think my new name will be:

one-really-horny-guy-with-his-dick-sticking-out-unless-you like oral-if-so-I-can-lick-you-but-I-don't-do-anal-and-I-promise-to-respect-you-when-we-are-finished-unless-I-paid-you-then-you-are-a-whore-because-if-you-did-it-for-free-you-would-just-be-a-slut

There won't be anyone else with a name like mine on MySpace! I'm expecting a lot of attention once I make the change

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I'd Rather be Out of Town


Note: As you read this don't misunderstand. I don't care what I have to do to get on stage. I'm willing to go through anything and will do so happily. I just wanted to show you all the difference.

The truth is I have it MUCH easier when I am performing out of town.

Let me share my "out of town" day with you.....

I get up at the crack of 9:00 AM.

Read a book for about an hour.

Get on my running stuff and go out for as long a run as I feel like.

When I get back I take a long leisurely shower.

Turn on my cell phone; it's now about 12:30 PM.

Go out to a nice coffee shop to find some lunch, get some coffee, make some calls and turn on my laptop for some high speed Internet access.

Sit in the coffee shop until around 3:30 PM.

Get back to where I am staying by 4:00 PM.

Take a 2-hour nap.

Read a little more of my book.

Have a little dinner.

Take another long relaxing shower (after all I might have bed head from the nap).

Get down to the club by 7:45.

Hang out in the club until 8:45.

Go on stage and talk for 45 minutes.

Hang around for another 30 minutes or so and thank people for coming to the show.

Get back to where I am staying.

Read a little more of my book.

Get to sleep by midnight.

Yes I know as you read this you're thinking, "Vilmos, how do you stand the strain?"

My friend, being a comedian is a rough occupation but someone has to step up and bite the bullet for the common good. At great personal sacrifice I have decided to do this for you and there's no need to thank me. You see, I'm a "giver!

So the above was when I am out of state, but I appear 2 places in Colorado. Wits End Comedy Club in Westminster and Loonees Comedy Club in Colorado Springs. When I am working in state things are completely different.

So since I was at Wits End in Westminster last week I will use last Wednesday as an example.

So welcome to a typical day when I am working in Colorado.....

Get up at 5:00 AM. I went to bed at Midnight the night before.

Spend the next 90 minutes monitoring my Internet service equipment and reading system messages.

Put on the running gear and go out on a quick run.

Take a quick shower when I get back.

Walk down the street to get coffee and a cookie for breakfast.

At 8:00am the phone starts ringing. I turn on my cell phone and
already there is voice mail. Did I mention I live in the building my businesses are in?

Spend the next 2 hours answering Internet tech support calls and I have to admit I've been doing it so long now it all sounds like whining to me.

Talk to a customer (who is wearing a large cowboy hat) in the video store for 30 minutes. He wanted a refund on his rental of Brokeback Mountain. He had no idea that "gay boys was in it". He doesn't think he should have to pay for that kind of movie.

Take a 5-minute lunch, which consists of nuking 2 veggie burgers and eating them while I sit in front of my computer and answer email.

Make a 2-hour service call at the local bank to take care of the miscellaneous problems they are having.

Leave from the bank and make a 1 hour and 15 minute drive to Colorado Springs to see my girl's soccer game.

Stand in a torrential downpour while I watch my girl's soccer team lose. Note: While the loss is not what we had hoped for. But I'm proud of my girls for playing.

Load my wet girls (and myself) in the car and drive another hour and 15 minutes to Denver.

Stop at my apartment in Denver (it's now 7:40 PM) and get out of my still wet clothes, take a 5-minute shower and wait for my girls to change.

Leave for the club at 8:00 PM. (The show is just now starting)

Get to the club at 8:20 PM.

Make sure the girls get something to eat. They haven't eaten yet.

Get a veggie burger for my dinner (Thank God the club has them!)

Go on stage at 8:45.

Do my thing on stage until 9:30.

Hang around for 30 minutes to thank the crowd and say goodbye to the staff.

Make the 2-hour drive home to Florence almost falling asleep at the wheel 3 times.

Get to bed at 1:00 AM knowing I have to get up at 5:00 AM to "rinse and repeat".

And I did "rinse and repeat" until Saturday.

So there you have it. Believe me, after 4 of those days in a row I am beyond tired. Even so, it was worth every minute of it. Being able to be on stage and make people laugh (after being a father to my children) is the greatest thing I do.

And I can't tell you how much I appreciate it when you come out to a show to see and support me. It makes everything worthwhile.

You are all the very best!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A Memory From The Open Mic Days


Starting tomorrow I'll be headlining at Wits End Comedy Club in Westminster. I have shows Wednesday April 5 - Saturday April 8. I sure hope you can make it.

Wits End has always been one of my favorite clubs to work at. I've been working at this club since my open mic days. I have to tell you that there was a time when I didn't think I would ever be on the stage there again.

Even though it may sound like a bad memory, it is actually a good one. It is also one of my favorite memories and I'm going to use this blog to share it with you. But first I will need to give you a little bit of my history.

I started out in comedy in 1992 by going to workshops at Loonees Comedy Corner in Colorado Springs, Colorado. At that time it was called Jeff Valdez's Comedy Corner. Jeff has since gone on to be the head of the cable network SI TV and the person that ran the workshop back then was Judy Brown. She is now a big producer/agent type in LA.

When you start out in comedy you begin as an open mic'er. A name that comes from open mic, a term for venues that let anyone get on stage and perform. Since being a comedian is a performance based art form, you have to have a place to practice and learn. You can only go so far telling jokes to yourself in a mirror. You have to have feedback from an audience to tell you if you are getting it right.

So when you begin you are not going to get stage time at a regular comedy club until you have progressed far enough along that you can do a solid 3 minutes of material. That means until you can get up on stage and hold the audiences attention and keep them laughing for 3 minutes you won't be getting any stage time in a comedy club. It sounds easy enough doesn't it? Well I can tell you it takes a lot of practice to get that far.

So this is where my story begins.....

I had been doing open mic for about a year and felt like I was ready to start spreading my wings. I thought I had a pretty good 5 minutes worth of material. Not nearly enough to be an opener at a club (you need a solid 15 minutes for that) but certainly enough to start asking for stage time in Denver.

So I mustered up the courage to start calling the Denver clubs. At the time there were 3 in Denver. The Comedyworks which is downtown, McKelvey's Comedy Club (which is now closed) on Hampton on the south side of town and Wits End in Westminster.

The Comedyworks was a tough nut to crack back then and actually still is. You have to sign up every week for stage time (which you won't get) and it helps a great deal to go down to the club and smooze when you are not working. I was never good at that and at the time I lived 100 miles away. There was no way I was ever going to do well there. So I never really tried and to this day I am pretty much "persona non grata" at "The Works". That's OK with me.

I figured my best bet was to try to get stage time at McKelvey's and Wits End. At the time McKelvey's was owned and operated by Tim Wordwell a great guy who I owe a lot to. Unfortunately Tim passed away unexpectedly in 2004, may he rest in peace.

Anyway.....

Tim was very gracious and gave me stage time. After I was in at McKelvey's, I knew it was time for me to try to get some time at Wits End.

At the time Wits End was owned and operated by a man named John Cooney. Now Mr. Cooney (as I always called him) was known as a hard ass and I have to tell you I was more than nervous the first time I called for stage time. And my first call was nothing like I expected it to be.

I called the club and Cooney actually answered the phone. I introduced myself and asked him if I could get a "Guest Set". That's what they call a set you don't get paid for in a comedy club.

I was amazed because he couldn't have been nicer. He was very pleasant and accommodating. He said "Sure, come on down. We'd love to have you"! I have to admit; I was feeling pretty good about Wits End and Mr. Cooney.

So the big day comes and I drive the 2 hours and 15 minutes to Wits End. I got there about 30 minutes before the show Cooney was working the door and seating people. I introduced myself and he very curtly pointed to a table and said, "sit there". I patiently sat at that table (no very nervously) until just as he was getting ready to start the show Mr. Cooney stopped in front of me and said, "Be off by 8:20".

So I did my set and I'll tell you the truth, I have no idea how I did. I can tell you that when you are starting out, you are never satisfied with what you do onstage. I went back to my table and sat there through the rest of the show. Afterwards I went up the Mr. Cooney and thanked him for the set. He said your welcome and nothing more. I remember leaving the club with a very uneasy feeling.

So I waited about a month before I called again, fully expecting Mr. Cooney to say "Thanks but no thanks. You are going to have to get a lot better before I allow you to be on my stage again". But I got the complete opposite. I got "Vilmos, so glad to hear from you! Sure, I'd love to have you out again!" And I got another guest set.

So when I drove the 2 hours and 15 minutes the 2nd time and I was feeling pretty good about it. Well that all went away when I got the same treatment that I received the last time I once I got there there. And that's the way it went for the next year. I would call and everything sounded great but when I got there I got the cold shoulder.

And then one night after I did my set Mr. Cooney opened the door to his office and suck his arm out. He did that come in here thing by curling his finger in. As I walked into his office I was thinking "This must be it. He's going to tell me that he never wants me back again. I've had my chance and blown it".

But to my surprise he said "I think you are ready to open for us here and I want to give you a week". A week means booking me for a week of shows. He told me I could have it on one condition. I had to drop this 'boil" joke I was doing at the time. The boil joke was a joke I did that got a groan about half the time. This is not a good thing, but I was just starting out. If anything worked half the time I was happy. Anyway, he said it was beneath me and I didn't need to do it. So I'm thinking "Lose one joke to get a week at a comedy club?

That was no problem for me and I agreed to it right away. I left on cloud 9. I had just gotten a week at McKelvey's to, so I felt I was making some real progress.

So I did my week at McKelvey's (it was first and I did it with the boil joke) and felt pretty good about my upcoming week at Wits End. So the week came and after doing 6 shows it was Sunday night, the last show of the week. Just before the show started I walked up to Cooney and said, "Mr. Cooney, I think I've had a pretty good week. I was just wondering if I could do the boil joke?" Without thinking he looked me straight in the eye and said "NO". So I said, "Well Mr. Cooney, I have to admit I'm feeling a little repressed here." To which he responded, "Good, that's exactly what I was going for."

 And so goes the life of an open mic'er ...

Note Dec 2, 2014: John Cooney has now passed on. I've met a lot of people doing comedy over the years and he was easily one of my favorite people. He was a hard ass when you didn't know him but after he warmed up to you he was just as nice as anyone you would ever meet. Over the years I knew him we spoke over the phone frequently and it was always for hours at a time. I really miss him. Rest In Peace John Cooney.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Booty Call Agreement


 Please note: This was from the days of MySpace
It's a little dirty too!

So the last blog was on bulletins and what I think of them. When I saw this one come through I thought I would take the time to give it the attention it deserves.


The Booty Call Agreement

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

My comment: As if someone that would actually use this agreement has principles!

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

My comment: What makes you think I'm going to WANT to sleep over. If you are not good enough to keep someone coming back on a regular basis, why do you think I'm going to stay.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

My comment: This is fine with me, but if my sole purpose is to service you then you need to be picking up the check.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

My comment: As far as I'm concerned no calls at all. Just send me a Mapquest link so I know where to find you. A limo would be even better.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

My comment: If you are looking for a "Booty Call" what do you know about lovemaking anyway? I don't even know why this one is in the agreement.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

My comment: Discussions? You'll be lucky if I remember your name! And that will only be if you give good head.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

My comment: The only backup you'll get out of me is when you "back up" to put me in you.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

My comment: You are correct, I will accept payment but don't insult me with a "token" amount.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

My comment: Finally! Something we agree on!

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

My comment: I don't compare myself to anyone else. It's not fair to them.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

My comment: Are you kidding me? We aren't even "sex buddies" you're just one step up above hooker.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

My comment: You'll be lucky if you can speak. And if you can I doubt you will be able to remember any name but mine.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

My comment: We'll talk about clothing in my agreement.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.

My comment: You don't have to worry about me. I'm ready to leave once the condom is off. You're the one that needs to worry about staying awake. If you can stay awake afterward then I haven't done my job now have I?

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

My comment: Ditto

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

My comment: Don't worry, my car will be in good repair. I don't want to be hanging out with your scanky ass.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

My comment: I prefer "hired dick".

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

My comment: I would agree with this. After all if you are looking for a booty call you're probably not much to look at anyway.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

My comment: No kidding! If you are issuing a "Booty Call" I figure I should put on more than one.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

My comment: I will but you may want to load up on water for a day or 2 before hand. You'll need to be hydrated.

21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

My comment: Why would I want anyone to know I was with you?

* EXTRA TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

My comment: My don't you think a lot of yourself! You better be a pretty good screw.

So it's all well and good that you have standards, but I have standards to. So if I sign your agreement, you are going to have to sign mine.

Here it is.....

1) I don't want to hear anything about your "gag reflex"

2) If you want to take it up the ass don't bitch at me because I'm "too wide"

3) Make sure you've cleaned yourself up because when I'm down there I want something sweet.

4) I'm just coming for a booty call so have the decency to wear some really good "fuck me please" lingerie.

5) Make sure you talk very dirty to me.

6) Don't be screaming "Holy shit! You are such a stud!" I'm tired of hearing that.

7) Remember to say my name correctly when you meet me. You'll have said it so much during you won't have any trouble remembering it afterwards.

8) Don't be calling and emailing me afterwards asking for another ride on the "ecstasy express". I'll call you if you made the cut.

Let the games begin.....