Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Uncomfortable Survey - The Remix


THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

Note: My crazy answers are in blue and I'm not "afraid" of anything.

-Longest relationship

12 years, but I really paid for that one.

-Shortest relationship

Does a blowjob from a hooker count?

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?

If I don't count the number of times they were under the influence of something, none.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?

Sure but I bet they never thought of marrying me.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

Doesn't that require a heart?

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?

That happens whenever I'm out to dinner with someone. Is that a bad thing?

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Only when they pass about before we've had a chance to have sex.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?

If paying by the hour counts as a relationship, then I am happier in a relationship.

-Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you cheat on someone when you are paying them by the hour?

-Have you ever been cheated on?

See above.

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?

The fact that they can be "rented".

-What is the best part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-What is the worst part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?

You have to have one for that to happen.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?

Only when I didn't tip them.

-Talk to any of your exes?

Yes, on the phone. The number is 900 GET-LAID

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?

Sure, I would go back to 1975; a blowjob was 5 bucks!

-Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?

I think they like today's pricing better.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?

Cheap and without disease.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

As long as I pay.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?

No. They are always good to you when you pay by the hour.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?

Yes, once I had to screw a hooker without a condom.

-Have you dated someone older then you?

Only when I'm a little short on cash. Older hookers are cheaper.

-Younger?

Sure, but not too young. I prefer my hookers have experience.

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

That's the beauty of paying for it, no regrets.

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?

Last night at 8:00pm on Colfax in Denver.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Does that mean a 2 for one night? Hell yes!

-Believe in love at first sight?

Only if I have enough money.

-Ever dated two people at once?

No, I can't afford to pay for 2 at a time.

-Ever been given a promise ring?

I've been given a cock ring.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?

See the last question.

-Do you want to get married?

No. It's cheaper to pay by the hour.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?

Some of you weren't worth the money.

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you steal someone when they are being paid by the hour.

-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Like I said in the last question.....

-Do you believe in true love?

I believe in exact change.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?

Don't you have a heart to have it broken?

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