Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Breakfast With Dad


I admit I enjoy torturing my kids, but I believe it is my God given right to do so.

After all, I spend a lot of my time worrying about them and I have to get rid of my stress somehow. Making my kids crazy is just the way to do it.

We spent this past Sunday morning in Denver. On our Sunday mornings there we have a tradition of going out to breakfast. Along with breakfast my children expect me to embarrass and/or gross them out.

This Sunday was no exception.

It all started before we left for breakfast. I had this zit (very rare) right under my nose. I'd been waiting for it to get that yellow head stage for a couple of days.

Well it finally did on Sunday and I used that opportunity to gross my girls out by squeezing it in front of them. At that point The Keeper swore she was not going to be able to eat.

So then it is just a 2 1/2 block walk to the diner where we eat. I used that time by asking my girls to look closely at what was left of my zit. To my surprise they wouldn't take me up on my offer.

Once we got to the diner and got seated the games really began.

I started when my orange juice came. For some reason or another the girls get grossed out just because I put sugar and salt in it. So that's how I drink mine when I am with them, because I know it bothers them.

Then when they were not looking I drank their water.

Then I ate some of the jelly packets, one of each flavor. For some reason or another, this offends them.

For my next trick I took their straws and stuck them up my nose. After they protested I licked the part off that was in my nose and offered to return them.

They politely refused.

At this point The Keeper once again pronounces she will not be able to eat.

Then once we start eating there is the lot of belching and farting. Each time I look at the girls to express my disgust.

I love being immature.....

I've always done this stuff to them and it started early on.

I used to tell them the wildest stories.

When they were really little I had them convinced there was an adult version of Pokemon, it was the purple version. Instead of Pikacha and Jiggleypuf my version had Herb and Fred.

Then there were all the other things I had convinced them of:

There was no such thing as the Olson Twins, there was really only one and they used trick photography to make it look like there were two. And the Olsen twins were actually one little boy that was made to dress up in girls clothes.

That the Teletubbies were actually a family that were in the witness relocation program. They had originally been a stage family in Vegas but after they witnessed a murder they had to go underground. But they couldn't give up their "show biz" career. So in exchange for their testimony they were allowed to stay in show business as Teletubbies.

I also convinced them that Santa Claus was actually inside the Barney suit. He worked as Barney because the elves made all the toys and he only had to be Santa one night a year. He just took that day off from being Barney.

But don't judge me.

I still let them believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. And it cost me a lot of money.....

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