Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Letter From My Car

September 3, 2006

You miserable cocksucker,

I just turned 12 last month and how did you thank me for that? A 1,983 mile trip to Canada across North Dakota in 100 degree heat.

Thanks a lot!

And did you ever think about stopping for something other than gas and to take a shit? I mean ... come on! I need to get a rest sometimes too. I'm getting old and already have rolled your sorry ass almost 430,000 miles. Haven't I put my time in? Don't I deserve a little break now and then?

Of course I do but that's seems to be a little more than your inconsiderate mind can grasp.

No, now your all about that skinny new Harley you have. Little Miss slick and shiny.

You spend all your free time riding her around and making sure she's all shiny and clean. When's the last time you washed me? Oh I remember; it was when the gas overflowed and you used a little of that dirty water the gas station puts out to clean windshields with to wash the gas off.

I feel so special.

I don't know why you spend so much time with that Harley anyway, she's not there for you like I've been.

Where was she when I was taking you through that snowstorm outside of Aspen. There was 4" of snow an hour coming down and visibility was near zero. And the cold; don't get me started.

Were was your precious Harley then? I'll tell you where; inside your garage afraid to come out. Right next to that other old sleazebag you have. You know, the one you were so excited about 5 years ago and spent all that money on her. Where is she now? Taking up space in the garage that whore.

Well you'd better start to treat me a little better because you know what? Some day I will be gone and then what? You'll be sorry that's what.

Maybe you could just spend a little quality time with me. We could go down to the car wash and then the Jiffy Lube. It would be fun!

But I doubt you'll ever do that, because I know you. You stick your key in me and you know I get all hot and just can't help but do what you want.

I don't know how you can live with yourself.

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