Monday, July 17, 2006

I Terrorize the Police

..... but it's just in Florence.

And it's just the Chief of police.

His name is Mike Ingle and it has been my mission (and pleasure) to make him miserable.

I should probably be in jail.

It all started in 1993 or so. Mike was still an officer on the police force. I was still married at the time and minding my own business driving 45 in a 30 on a residential street and it was dusk. All of the sudden out of nowhere in the middle of the street there he was. Mike was standing in the middle of the street staring into my headlights with that "deer in the headlights" look.

At the last minute I was able to swerve past him to avoid hitting him. I didn't even look back. I figured I was in trouble, so I avoided seeing Mike for a few weeks.

When I finally did run into Mike I told him I was sorry I almost hit him and you know what he said? "It wasn't your fault, I was crossing in the middle of the block. I shouldn't have been there."

He thought it was his fault! That's when I knew I could terrorize him without recourse.

And then there was the personal insult he made against me......

For years Mike was the "weed enforcement" officer. Not the drug kind, the growing in your yard kind.

He would patrol the streets each and every summer looking for people that had too many unsightly weeds growing in their yard.

Well unfortunately I was one of them and I didn't grow your average garden variety weed. You didn't pull my weeds and they were weed whacker resistant. The only way my weeds were leaving my lawn was if they were sawed down at the base of the trunk. My weeds grew so tall that you had to fold them to get them into the back of a full size pickup.

My weeds were special!

So every year I would get a notice from Mike notifying me to get rid of my weeds or be fined. I of course complied, I didn't like my weeds that much.

Then one year shortly after I received my annual notice Mike pulled up in his patrol car while I was working in the front yard. He asked me if I got my notice and I told him yes.

It was then he insulted me by saying "You know, I didn't even come by. I just sent the notice". Ok that's it, now I'm taking the gloves off. After that Mike became "Officer Weed".

Let the games begin.....

Since then I have taken every opportunity to make Mike crazy. Whenever I see his police cruiser stopped for gas I always pull up behind it and push it forward a foot or so with my car. It's become so common place that a couple of weeks ago he was getting gas (with his personal car) and his wife was there. His wife didn't see me coming and was panicking when she saw the car moving forward. Mike just told her "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He knows what he's doing"

I always make sure that I call him on the phone when he is in the office. He'll answer the phone and you can hear the beeping in the background because the department records all calls. I start the conversation with:

"Hey Mike! I just want you to know I am in your jurisdiction and I'm speeding. I'm not wearing my seatbelt either. Come and get me!"

I do this a couple times a week.

Or I'll call him (remember they record these) and say:

"Mike! I just scored! Did you still need that 8 ball?"

To which he responds:

"Don't say that, you know this is being recorded!"

So I respond:

"That's right, I'm supposed to say balloons aren't I. So Mike, you know I have a few extra balloons if you need one. Just let me know."

His response.


Last week I paid him a personal visit. Since I work on the city's computers I have unrestricted access to his and I changed his Internet home page to Then when he came into the office I told him:

"I just came by to let you know that as soon as I'm done here I'm going to go find John Morgan and I'm going to beat him senseless. So make sure you send someone over to pick him up and get him to the hospital".

His response:

"Don't tell me that. I'm an officer of the law!"

So on my way out I ran into a couple of his officers and suggested that they go into Mike's office and ask him to go on the Internet.

I'd like to tell you more of the things I've done but it's getting late. I still have to sign Mike up to a couple of porno lists, order him a pizza and call his house to find out if his refrigerator is running.

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