Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Enigma In Size Tens

At least that's what my friend Derrick calls me.

Just for the record, here is the Merriam-Webster Online definition of Enigma:

1: an obscure speech or writing
2: something hard to understand or explain
3: an inscrutable or mysterious person
synonym see MYSTERY

I would be numbers 2 and 3. And just for the record inscrutable means "not readily investigated, interpreted, or understood".

Number one would be reserved for my act and these blogs.

So why am I an enigma in size tens? It seems my life is full of contradictions. I touched on one of them in one of my last blogs and it got me to thinking about all the things I do that just don't seem to make sense.

After you read this you'll probably think I'm some sort of nut! But I suppose that's a good thing. Everyone seems to like a quirky comic.

So here's a short list of the things about me that contradict themselves.....

I'm a vegetarian that doesn't like vegetables

That's right, you will never see me ordering a salad at a restaurant. If I do, I do so against my will and after I have exhausted every other possibility.

I don't care for most vegetables either. It doesn't matter if you steam, boil, bake, broil, sauté or give them to me raw, I'm not crazy about eating them. There is no vegetable that I will go out of my way to eat and I feel the same way about fruit.

Here's something else, I still LOVE the smell of meat cooking. There's nothing better than driving by a steak house or a fried chicken place.

I'm a runner that is over 200 pounds

I'm a little big to be as serious a runner as I am.

And let's get this right, it's not really running, or jogging. It's more like a fast shuffling. Sometimes I even have a hard time catching up to people power walking.

Right now I am somewhere around 220 pounds. Even the scale screams "Holy Shit" when I get on it. When I started running I weighed nearly 275 pounds. I run between 3 and 5 miles a day, 5 - 6 times a week. Then on the weekends I will run a long one, anywhere from 8 - 12 miles. My usual weekly mileage is somewhere between 25 and 35 miles. Even with all that exercise I can still gain 5 pounds a week without even trying.

It must be all the Hershey bars.

I'm a musician that doesn't listen to music

I've been playing music since I was 7 years old and can play several different instruments. My very first instrument was the flute. I ditched that for the other end of the orchestra (the tuba) when I figured out in middle school I was the only boy play up front. If I'd have known then.....

The instrument of choice since I've been an adult has been the drums. I figure if I'm going to play in front of people I would rather be anti-social and hide behind something. A nice large drum set will do that very well.

But you won't hear me listening to music in the car when I drive or while I'm working, I find it distracting. Now I do like to listen to music live, but that's only because I can watch the musicians playing.

I'm a (supposed) computer expert that has never really like them.

And let's not put too much into the word "expert". That's what people call me, I do not consider myself one.

I'm just a guy that understands how they work but is not necessarily thrilled with them. I would be like an auto mechanic that rides a bike to work because he doesn't really like cars.

I'm in the Internet business and I hate the Internet.

Nothing like biting the hand that feeds you. I think the Internet is a boil on the ass of society.

It brings out the best in people but it has a greater tendency to bring out the worst. For every site on the Internet that discusses a cure for cancer there are 10 that tell you which breed of dog is the best to screw.

I own over 6,000 videos and never watch them.

In addition to being in the computer business I also own a video store. I have more movies than anyone I know but I don't watch them. Aside from no time I really don't have the desire. If all my customers had my desire I would be out of business.

There are many more quirky things but I suppose I'd better save something for later.

After all, I'm a very private person.....

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