Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Computer Chronicles

It's 4th of July!

Most people get a day of rest on a holiday like this. They use this time for their God given RIGHT to get drunk and blow shit up. Not me....

I'll be working all day.

I use days like this to get things done because there are no interruptions. And believe me, on ever other day of the week I have many interruptions.

I'm the only comedian you know that cringes anytime the phone rings. And it's all because of computers.

For those of you that haven't been with me since the beginning computers are a big part of how I make a living. I own a computer repair company and an Internet service. Unfortunately for me, I am the technician for both.

And I heard it all. So I thought I would share some of it with you....

I have actually had people call me to ask the location of "any key" on their keyboard.

I've seen people pressing a piece of paper on the monitor waiting for the image to transfer and then when I tell them that won't print they tell me how they felt like they were ripped off because they had to buy a printer to.

I remember early on having worked a computer and returning it to my customer late in the afternoon. The next morning she called me and reamed my ass, telling me that she never should have paid me and that I ripped her off.. Apparently when she turned on her power strip the computer didn't come on. So after she was finished screaming I asked her to flip the big red power switch on the side of her computer (it was an ld IBM PC). I heard the beep in the background and she just said "Oh" and hung up. Thanks for the apology.

I've driven 21/2 hours each way to flip the power switch of a printer on even after 3 people swore to me they had already done so. I swear to you, I walked in, flipped the switch and walked out without saying a word. I was there for less than 30 seconds.

One time a nice sweet looking 70 year old lady brought in her computer to be cleaned. So as I was deleting things I came to a directory that was set to thumbnails. That means that instead of displaying the file name, it display the picture. It's a quick way to see what you have. Imagine my surprise to see they were naked pics of her! She not only had naked pics but action photos of her with various men, toys and her poodle. I still have nightmares.

Then there was the guy that brought in his mistresses computer and asked me to install some sort of software on it that would allow him to see what she was doing on it. He thought she was "cheating" on him. The guy is cheating on his wife and he is worried about the morality of his mistress.

A few years ago I had panicked man come in because his computer had died. He needed it to be fixed right away, he absolutely could not wait. He explained the reason to me. His girlfriend from Paraguay was visiting him. He didn't speak her language and she didn't speak English. They had met on the Internet (big surprise) and corresponded by using translation programs to read each others messages. That's also what they were doing while she was here. Connecting to the Internet and typing in whatever they had to say and translating it. So I gave his computer absolute priority. Who am I to stand in the way of love!

But here is my favorite......

I had this woman call me and tell me that every time she was typing that strange random characters would get into her documents and her computer made random beeping noises. So I figured it was a keyboard and stopped by with a new one. She wasn't there, so I just installed the new keyboard, tested it to make sure it worked and left.

The next day I received a angry call from this woman telling me she was till having the same problem. Now the company she worked for was a really good customer so I rushed over again, this time with a new motherboard. Again she wasn't there so I made the replacement, tested everything and left.

The next morning I get a call from this woman's boss and he was pissed. He said this woman still had the problem and he wanted it fixed right away. I hopped in to my car and went straight over.

This time the woman was there. As soon as I met her I knew what the problem was. I told them that I would get right to it but first I had to make a call. So I sat at desk that gave me a view of her working and proceed to watch her while I spoke on the phone to someone at my office.

Sure enough after about 5 minutes this women quit typing and leaned over to get some paperwork. It was then that her rather substantial breasts planted themselves on the keyboard and all those strange characters popped up on her screen.

So I casually asked her boss to join me at her desk and explained the problem. They both turned a nice shade of scarlet but I think it was for different reasons.

Have a great 4th!

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