Sunday, July 30, 2006

Man Are Happier Than Women - The Remix

As I have said before I cannot believe the number of bulletins that get sent out with seemingly useless information. So I figure, why can't I add a little something? So from time to time I will answer these bulletins MY way and we'll just call them a "Remix".

Men Are Just Happier People -- The Remix

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Simple? Then why are you always saying you don't understand us? If we are so simple then it should be very easy for you to understand us. And if you understood us we could be doing so much better in the couples department. Plus there would be no need to explain "Strip Club" night.

Your last name stays put.
That's not necessarily a good thing. There are few times in my life I would have liked have changed my last name. Mostly after an evening that involved wayyyy too much alcohol.

The garage is all yours.
Really? The why do you keep wanting to put your car in there? And what about all that junk of yours I have to store in it? Like the rocks you brought back from the lake in 1992.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Not the last time I checked. The reason we say "I don't care" is because we do not want to get into a 3 way grudge match with you and your mother over the color of the invitations.

Chocolate is just another snack.
For us it is a key to the promised land.

You can be President.
That's true, but you can be President with impunity. Who do you think was actually running the country when Bill Clinton was in office. A title does not a president make.

You can never be pregnant.
Why would we want to be? It looks very uncomfortable.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
So can you. That is actually the way we prefer you dress.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Did you read the above answer?

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
I seriously doubt that car mechanics tell anyone the truth.

The world is your urinal.
Ok, I'll give you this one. But only after I've been drinking.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Who do you think made it "icky".

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
This is correct. We put our thought into "screwing".

Same work, more pay.
Not for stripping and hooking.

Wrinkles add character.
Not to your penis.

Wedding dress $5000, tux rental $100
That's only because you don't hold out for better price. Plus we don't want to keep ours only to be depressed 10 years later when we can't fit into it anymore.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
I wish they would, I'm getting tired of them staring at my crotch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
So are vaginal "farts".

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
That's because we buy them for fit and not looks.

One mood all the time.
Yes, hungry.....

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Less than that if the answer to "Are we having sex tonight" is yes.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase and most of the time just a carry on.
You need a change of clothes in 5 days?

You can open all your own jars.
Yes we can. But opening up some other things takes a lot more effort.

You almost never have strap problems in public.
No, be we have a lot of "adjusting" that needs to be done.

No wonder men are happier.
The happy men are the ones that know their women are in charge and accept it.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Send this to a woman you know that will hate it so she just one more thing to be hormonal about.....

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Some People Never Learn

You'd think that after all that happened She who must not be named would just give it a rest. So I suppose since she is still at it I might as well give you who may give a shit an update.....

I knew when this all started that she wouldn't be able to stop stalking me, it's just not in her character to do so. Even now (and she told me this herself) she continues to stalk a guy she ended a relationship with well over a year ago.

Even girls in high school know when to quit. I suppose that tells you a lot about her.

So she continues to snoop around my life and try to find find people to help her in her quest for revenge. More about that later.

She has even written a blog about me. Thank God there has only been one. Not because I am worried about anything she might say (I'm not). It's just that her writing (and spelling) leave something to be desired.

Below is a blog she posted on June 24. She is attempting to rebut what I said in my blog A Fairy Tale on June 23.

If you have not read it yet click here.

You'd think that she could at least come up with something original instead of copying my format.

Here it is with my comments (in blue).....

A VILe Fairytale

Is this great or what! She started out with a real zinger in the title! She took the first part of my name and added the letter "e" and it makes the word "vile". She is so clever!

The only problem is no one knows me as Vil and if you want to do it right it should be
VILMOSe so the name stands out.

Once upon a time......

There was a good woman loyal to her friends and honest to a fault.

Honest to a fault? I suppose so if you consider making up fake profiles on dating sites to stalk your ex-boyfriend honest I'll give you that one.

One day while she was minding her own business playing backgammon (and stalking her ex-boyfriend) on her computer she got a message from a little troll trying to be funny.
I don't "try" to be funny. I am in fact very funny. She seemed to enjoy my blogs. Here is a comment she made on one of my blogs:

"Looks like Mongo is getting some mail....I sent the address of your blog to him telling Him "hey your famous....check it out" I felt like this was the thing to It was really nice of him to give you another topic for your halarious blogs...just thought he deserved some credit for"

Posted by She who must not be named on Sunday, May 07, 2006 at 8:33 AM

Note: The above is an exact quote

He seemed to be nice enough and called her all the time and emailed her about what a nice troll he was.

I never said I was nice. I just am just who I am. I think that if anyone takes the time to read my blogs they can tell I don't consider myself "nice". And I object to the use of "troll". A troll is someone on the Internet that is anonymous. I am far from that.

Being a good woman she tried to over look the VILe way the troll looked and wanted to see the good in him.

Is she calling me ugly?

So she decided to date the little troll.

She practically begged me to go out with her.

After a while she became bored with the little troll because it seemed the trolls business of harvesting mushrooms was going bad and he had little time to spend with the woman.

Again she speaks about my personal business. Not a very nice thing to do.

But in reality the troll was talking to another woman, good and as kind as she was.

I was talking to my Imaginary Girlfriend. I have a nice little blog on her but I'm saving it for a time when enough people will see it. And here what My Imaginary girlfriend thought of She who must not be named:

Date: May 29, 2006 8:38 AM She who must not be named

First off ... good morning,

Between 6:58 and 7:24 I have gotten 5 emails from Sinnndy... I don't know what they say, because I don't want to open them , if I do she will know I am online....I left Myspace open last night , forgot to close it after we got off the phone... so I was automatically logged in for the day when I did get on about 30minutes ago... so I am sure she is wigging out wondering why I am not responding to her...

I decided at this point to put off writing her an email until tomorrow... first, because I just want to have a quiet day with the kids after the weekend, and she has today off and LOTS of time on her hands to be pissed off and feeling rejected... so I will leave it at that. The only thing that will change that, is if I get a bunch of phone calls from her...Then I will be forced to write her a scathing rejecting... leave me the fuck alone you psycho ... Letter

That's friendship for you!

He told the other woman that he was in love with her and wanted to spend his life with her. Promising to let her ride his tricycle and call it their tricycle.

First of all it's a Harley. No self respecting troll would ride a tricycle. And anyone that knows anything about motorcycles (or Harley riders) knows I would have never offered to share my Harley. It's mine, all mine!

Telling her that they were soul mates and that their love would last forever. All along the little troll was still talking to the 1st woman and calling her his girlfriend.

I never called She who must not be named my girlfriend and I never committed myself to her. She is the one that wanted that. That is really what this is all about. My not wanting her.

I know now that I should have kept dating her, I made a big mistake. Who wouldn't want someone that was stalking their ex-boyfriend, having the police come by her house because his tires are all flat and practices "black magic"?

What a find!

Well one day the two women met and they were instant friends.

Did you read the above email?

The two women decided That the Troll was evil and would someday get everything that he deserved. Witch of course would all be VILe.

This is where the fairy tale takes a turn. This is where my Imaginary Girlfriend gets pissed and turns She who must not be named onto me like a Doberman on a fresh steak.

So the little troll was angered that he had been caught by the two women in his lies so he began to write blogs about them and all his other little trolls that think he is funny Were believeing all his lies and that made the little troll very happy because once again he gets to decieve people and that is what the little troll loves most.

I was angered by all the stalking and the blogs were very well received. Too bad they got my profile deleted. Even so, I saved all my comments and am going to post them on my site real soon.

But what the Little Troll didn't know that because of his blogs the women were being contacted by some of his mushroom business associates . The associates told them stories of just how vile the little troll was. And that this was not the first time the little troll did such a thing.

That's so untrue. I would love to have She who must not be named come up with anything that substantiates this. I already know she can't.

We'll deal with "mushroom business associates" in a minute.

The two women had very much in common (they are both psychotic) and now they and their children are family (Prozac sales should be increasing) and NO little Troll will ever tare their friendship apart. And they lived happily ever after.

Yes, they have plenty in common. Mental illness and a hate for me. Now there's a friendship that will last forever!

Moral of the Story: Stay away from little Trolls that continue to try to prove they are nice Trolls because they are really VILe.

The real moral of the story. Stay away from psychotic women on MySpace.

Now back to the blog.....

So what has happened since the last blog on this you ask?

Well she is still emailing people on my friends list and telling them things that are just untrue. All the while she claims I am fueling the fire when I specifically have gone out of my way to not say anything.

So this blog will be fuel on the fire, but I don't care.

She went way over the line recently when she contacted someone that is in a position of authority at a business I do computer work with. She is working with this person to try to keep me from working for that business. And they are one of my major accounts! So She who must not be named is trying to actually prohibit me from earning a living!

That's the kind of person I am dealing with.

Well her and her new friend got nowhere with their attempt. I have been doing computer work for them for years and have always done a good job. I also have a great working relationship with management there and when this employee that is in league with She who must not be named started her campaign I was able to quickly put an end to that. In fact it ended up being her friend who got in trouble.

So who's the troll now?

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Great MySpace Outage of 2006

There was no MySpace last night

Not since the blackouts of New York City in 1965 and 1977 has an outage created such chaos. If you don't believe me consider this. New York City has a population of around 20 million compared to the over 95 million of MySpace.

I remember it like it happened just yesterday.......

I will always remember the day I found out. It as July 23, 2006. I had been out much of the day and got in about 3:00 (Mountain time). I turned on my computer and opened up Internet Explorer. Nothing happened, it just said "Page cannot be displayed".

My first thought was "This cannot be happening". I assumed that there had been a major Internet failure. That something had happened to the equipment that runs my Internet service or worse yet, we had not paid out Internet bill and had been shut off. What was I going to tell all my customers? How was I going to fix this?

What was I going to do?

You see my home page is set to and when I got "Page cannot be displayed" I assumed that something on my end was not working, because in my heart I knew there could be nothing wrong with MySpace.

After all, they are a HUGE company. They bring in millions of dollars and have state of the art equipment. There could be nothing wrong at their end, it must be me.

But just on the off chance that there could be something wrong at MySpace I typed another address into Internet Explorer. I don't remember what it was, it's all a blur right now. It worked. It was at that moment I understood.

There is something wrong with MySpace!

Just then my girls came into the living room. They had tried to get on too with the same result. For what seemed to be a long time we just stood there; staring at each other. Struggling to find words to express ourselves. But there were none, just an awkward silence filled the room.

What would we do? How long will this be? What will things be like if MySpace is gone?

These were all the questions running though our minds as we sat down in front of TV and tried to find something to fill the void in our lives.

But you know nothing was the same. The food didn't taste as good. The colors on the TV didn't seem as vibrant. Even the "My Fair Brady" wedding finale on VH1 wasn't as exciting as we thought it was going to be.

Because no matter what we did it was always in the back of our minds. What about MySpace? When will MySpace be back online?

We tried from time to time to get back onto MySpace and eventually got a message saying something about a "power outage". We got to see the logo on the screen and the message was even signed by Tom. It all helped a little but it just wasn't the same.

We sat and tried to talk to each other to try to keep our mind off of things but eventually we would get back to MySpace. Then we would all get a little quiet.

I thought maybe I would get a little peace sleeping but I just couldn't do it knowing there may be no MySpace. I would periodically get up and check, but it still wasn't working.

MySpace came back online about 9:00 and I was really relieved. I was able to log into my account and see all my friends list. I felt whole again.

I know I am not the only one. I know that there were many others that felt the same way I do. This outage affected us all.

Without MySpace people had to do other things. Watch TV, talk with each other again. Maybe even eat together at the dinner table. There was no fighting over who needed to use the computer.

Couples probably had sex last night. I bet there will be a huge spike in births 9 months from now.

The world will feel the repercussions of this event.

Let's pray it never happens again.

Monday, July 17, 2006

I Terrorize the Police

..... but it's just in Florence.

And it's just the Chief of police.

His name is Mike Ingle and it has been my mission (and pleasure) to make him miserable.

I should probably be in jail.

It all started in 1993 or so. Mike was still an officer on the police force. I was still married at the time and minding my own business driving 45 in a 30 on a residential street and it was dusk. All of the sudden out of nowhere in the middle of the street there he was. Mike was standing in the middle of the street staring into my headlights with that "deer in the headlights" look.

At the last minute I was able to swerve past him to avoid hitting him. I didn't even look back. I figured I was in trouble, so I avoided seeing Mike for a few weeks.

When I finally did run into Mike I told him I was sorry I almost hit him and you know what he said? "It wasn't your fault, I was crossing in the middle of the block. I shouldn't have been there."

He thought it was his fault! That's when I knew I could terrorize him without recourse.

And then there was the personal insult he made against me......

For years Mike was the "weed enforcement" officer. Not the drug kind, the growing in your yard kind.

He would patrol the streets each and every summer looking for people that had too many unsightly weeds growing in their yard.

Well unfortunately I was one of them and I didn't grow your average garden variety weed. You didn't pull my weeds and they were weed whacker resistant. The only way my weeds were leaving my lawn was if they were sawed down at the base of the trunk. My weeds grew so tall that you had to fold them to get them into the back of a full size pickup.

My weeds were special!

So every year I would get a notice from Mike notifying me to get rid of my weeds or be fined. I of course complied, I didn't like my weeds that much.

Then one year shortly after I received my annual notice Mike pulled up in his patrol car while I was working in the front yard. He asked me if I got my notice and I told him yes.

It was then he insulted me by saying "You know, I didn't even come by. I just sent the notice". Ok that's it, now I'm taking the gloves off. After that Mike became "Officer Weed".

Let the games begin.....

Since then I have taken every opportunity to make Mike crazy. Whenever I see his police cruiser stopped for gas I always pull up behind it and push it forward a foot or so with my car. It's become so common place that a couple of weeks ago he was getting gas (with his personal car) and his wife was there. His wife didn't see me coming and was panicking when she saw the car moving forward. Mike just told her "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He knows what he's doing"

I always make sure that I call him on the phone when he is in the office. He'll answer the phone and you can hear the beeping in the background because the department records all calls. I start the conversation with:

"Hey Mike! I just want you to know I am in your jurisdiction and I'm speeding. I'm not wearing my seatbelt either. Come and get me!"

I do this a couple times a week.

Or I'll call him (remember they record these) and say:

"Mike! I just scored! Did you still need that 8 ball?"

To which he responds:

"Don't say that, you know this is being recorded!"

So I respond:

"That's right, I'm supposed to say balloons aren't I. So Mike, you know I have a few extra balloons if you need one. Just let me know."

His response.


Last week I paid him a personal visit. Since I work on the city's computers I have unrestricted access to his and I changed his Internet home page to Then when he came into the office I told him:

"I just came by to let you know that as soon as I'm done here I'm going to go find John Morgan and I'm going to beat him senseless. So make sure you send someone over to pick him up and get him to the hospital".

His response:

"Don't tell me that. I'm an officer of the law!"

So on my way out I ran into a couple of his officers and suggested that they go into Mike's office and ask him to go on the Internet.

I'd like to tell you more of the things I've done but it's getting late. I still have to sign Mike up to a couple of porno lists, order him a pizza and call his house to find out if his refrigerator is running.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sweet Feathery Jesus

"Sweet Feathery Jesus" ... was one of Phil Hendrie's favorite lines and I'm using it because the Phil Hendrie show is no more.

The show ended June 26 and I am officially in a state of mourning.....

No one ever has or ever will do a radio show like Phil's. He truly belongs in the radio Hall of Fame.

For those of you that never heard Phil's show I will take a minute to describe it to you. It was a talk radio show. Every night for three hours he did a show with the most freakish guests.

Here are a few of my favorites.

Ted Bell
Owner of Ted's of Beverly Hills he is as pompous as they come. Just about every point he makes when on the show is preceded by the phrase "I'm Ted Bell". Here is a Ted Bell quote:

"I'm Ted Bell, I make rules, I don't follow rules"

At the beginning of every segment Ted demanded that the Jingle for his restaurant be played. You can listen to it here.

Ted's of Beverly Hills jingle

Steve Bosell
Steve is a building contractor from Corona California. He filed law suits against hundreds of people. This generally happened after he had been embarrassed in some way. He has even sued his wife and children.

After being startled by fireworks to the point of crapping in his pants below is a quote of Steve explaining who he was going to sue and why:

"Well, right now I'm suing Blast-Off Entertainment, they're the ones that provided the fireworks, and Corona Community College. Also directors Oliver Stone and Steven Spielburg. Also, my attorney is planning on suing the Hanes Corporation. I lost control of my bowels and the Hanes underwear I was wearing failed to keep it in. I'm also considering a lawsuit against the Del Taco Corporation for serving me food that came out as diarrhea, otherwise if it came out better, then the Hanes could've kept it in. Also, the Corona Community College Parking Administration. We had to walk a quarter of a mile away from the grandstand area, so as we walked back, there was a diarrhea trail leading behind me and little kids laughed at me. Also, my wife; I was very distressed and needed a hug. She wasn't supportive of me..."

RC Collins
A cadet at the Bradley Military Academy RC believes that military academies are a branch of the service and equal to the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Here is a RC Collins quote:

"We're ooh-rah. We're ready to fight and die for this country. But first, we want to smoke dope and shoot heroin."

Doug Dannger
Doug is a journalist from Orange County California. He came on the show to speak on a variety of topics. Mostly related to entertainment and politics. He was always right because he was "a gay man and a gay journalist". He claimed that gave him "homo-eye".

Here is a quote from Doug Dannger:

"I frolicked out of the closet and found my Gay Eye"

He had many other regular guests, Bobby Dooley the president of Western Estates home owners association; Lloyd Bonified a Korean war veteran; Vernon Dozier a high school teacher and football coach; Father James McQuarter an Irish Catholic priest; and the list goes on.

But here's the best part.

He was all of them. He was the host and the guest and no one knew. Of course those of us that listened to the show on a regular basis did, but none of the callers he infuriated each and every night had a clue.

All the shows would start out the same way. Phil talking to a guest about a seemingly good idea. Like after 911 when he had Vernon Dozier on explaining he had a training program for the mentally challenged. He wanted to put them to work as screeners at the airport.

He was training them to scan for bombs on a conveyor belt. He even brought Bobby who only said "Hi" and I'm Bobby" to demonstrate. All Bobby had to do is say "Plane go Boom" when he saw a bomb.

If he got it right he got a piece of cheese. When Bobby got it wrong Vernon used what he called "aversion" therapy and electronically shocked Bobby so he would know he was wrong.

The callers would line up to express their outrage (as Phil did) only to have Vernon tell them it was better than having them "frightening innocent children if they worked at McDonalds".

He did it all live and unscripted every night for over 10 years.

Phil retired from radio because he wanted to pursue an acting career. He was on the NBC show "Teachers" this past fall. I can't blame him for wanting to move on, but it's awfully hard on us fans.

He has an extensive archive of his shows online at his website There is a small monthly charge for it, but he allows all his shows to be downloaded. I suggest you go there a spend the money so you can experience what he did.

Because no one will ever do it again.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Enigma In Size Tens

At least that's what my friend Derrick calls me.

Just for the record, here is the Merriam-Webster Online definition of Enigma:

1: an obscure speech or writing
2: something hard to understand or explain
3: an inscrutable or mysterious person
synonym see MYSTERY

I would be numbers 2 and 3. And just for the record inscrutable means "not readily investigated, interpreted, or understood".

Number one would be reserved for my act and these blogs.

So why am I an enigma in size tens? It seems my life is full of contradictions. I touched on one of them in one of my last blogs and it got me to thinking about all the things I do that just don't seem to make sense.

After you read this you'll probably think I'm some sort of nut! But I suppose that's a good thing. Everyone seems to like a quirky comic.

So here's a short list of the things about me that contradict themselves.....

I'm a vegetarian that doesn't like vegetables

That's right, you will never see me ordering a salad at a restaurant. If I do, I do so against my will and after I have exhausted every other possibility.

I don't care for most vegetables either. It doesn't matter if you steam, boil, bake, broil, sauté or give them to me raw, I'm not crazy about eating them. There is no vegetable that I will go out of my way to eat and I feel the same way about fruit.

Here's something else, I still LOVE the smell of meat cooking. There's nothing better than driving by a steak house or a fried chicken place.

I'm a runner that is over 200 pounds

I'm a little big to be as serious a runner as I am.

And let's get this right, it's not really running, or jogging. It's more like a fast shuffling. Sometimes I even have a hard time catching up to people power walking.

Right now I am somewhere around 220 pounds. Even the scale screams "Holy Shit" when I get on it. When I started running I weighed nearly 275 pounds. I run between 3 and 5 miles a day, 5 - 6 times a week. Then on the weekends I will run a long one, anywhere from 8 - 12 miles. My usual weekly mileage is somewhere between 25 and 35 miles. Even with all that exercise I can still gain 5 pounds a week without even trying.

It must be all the Hershey bars.

I'm a musician that doesn't listen to music

I've been playing music since I was 7 years old and can play several different instruments. My very first instrument was the flute. I ditched that for the other end of the orchestra (the tuba) when I figured out in middle school I was the only boy play up front. If I'd have known then.....

The instrument of choice since I've been an adult has been the drums. I figure if I'm going to play in front of people I would rather be anti-social and hide behind something. A nice large drum set will do that very well.

But you won't hear me listening to music in the car when I drive or while I'm working, I find it distracting. Now I do like to listen to music live, but that's only because I can watch the musicians playing.

I'm a (supposed) computer expert that has never really like them.

And let's not put too much into the word "expert". That's what people call me, I do not consider myself one.

I'm just a guy that understands how they work but is not necessarily thrilled with them. I would be like an auto mechanic that rides a bike to work because he doesn't really like cars.

I'm in the Internet business and I hate the Internet.

Nothing like biting the hand that feeds you. I think the Internet is a boil on the ass of society.

It brings out the best in people but it has a greater tendency to bring out the worst. For every site on the Internet that discusses a cure for cancer there are 10 that tell you which breed of dog is the best to screw.

I own over 6,000 videos and never watch them.

In addition to being in the computer business I also own a video store. I have more movies than anyone I know but I don't watch them. Aside from no time I really don't have the desire. If all my customers had my desire I would be out of business.

There are many more quirky things but I suppose I'd better save something for later.

After all, I'm a very private person.....

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Computer Chronicles

It's 4th of July!

Most people get a day of rest on a holiday like this. They use this time for their God given RIGHT to get drunk and blow shit up. Not me....

I'll be working all day.

I use days like this to get things done because there are no interruptions. And believe me, on ever other day of the week I have many interruptions.

I'm the only comedian you know that cringes anytime the phone rings. And it's all because of computers.

For those of you that haven't been with me since the beginning computers are a big part of how I make a living. I own a computer repair company and an Internet service. Unfortunately for me, I am the technician for both.

And I heard it all. So I thought I would share some of it with you....

I have actually had people call me to ask the location of "any key" on their keyboard.

I've seen people pressing a piece of paper on the monitor waiting for the image to transfer and then when I tell them that won't print they tell me how they felt like they were ripped off because they had to buy a printer to.

I remember early on having worked a computer and returning it to my customer late in the afternoon. The next morning she called me and reamed my ass, telling me that she never should have paid me and that I ripped her off.. Apparently when she turned on her power strip the computer didn't come on. So after she was finished screaming I asked her to flip the big red power switch on the side of her computer (it was an ld IBM PC). I heard the beep in the background and she just said "Oh" and hung up. Thanks for the apology.

I've driven 21/2 hours each way to flip the power switch of a printer on even after 3 people swore to me they had already done so. I swear to you, I walked in, flipped the switch and walked out without saying a word. I was there for less than 30 seconds.

One time a nice sweet looking 70 year old lady brought in her computer to be cleaned. So as I was deleting things I came to a directory that was set to thumbnails. That means that instead of displaying the file name, it display the picture. It's a quick way to see what you have. Imagine my surprise to see they were naked pics of her! She not only had naked pics but action photos of her with various men, toys and her poodle. I still have nightmares.

Then there was the guy that brought in his mistresses computer and asked me to install some sort of software on it that would allow him to see what she was doing on it. He thought she was "cheating" on him. The guy is cheating on his wife and he is worried about the morality of his mistress.

A few years ago I had panicked man come in because his computer had died. He needed it to be fixed right away, he absolutely could not wait. He explained the reason to me. His girlfriend from Paraguay was visiting him. He didn't speak her language and she didn't speak English. They had met on the Internet (big surprise) and corresponded by using translation programs to read each others messages. That's also what they were doing while she was here. Connecting to the Internet and typing in whatever they had to say and translating it. So I gave his computer absolute priority. Who am I to stand in the way of love!

But here is my favorite......

I had this woman call me and tell me that every time she was typing that strange random characters would get into her documents and her computer made random beeping noises. So I figured it was a keyboard and stopped by with a new one. She wasn't there, so I just installed the new keyboard, tested it to make sure it worked and left.

The next day I received a angry call from this woman telling me she was till having the same problem. Now the company she worked for was a really good customer so I rushed over again, this time with a new motherboard. Again she wasn't there so I made the replacement, tested everything and left.

The next morning I get a call from this woman's boss and he was pissed. He said this woman still had the problem and he wanted it fixed right away. I hopped in to my car and went straight over.

This time the woman was there. As soon as I met her I knew what the problem was. I told them that I would get right to it but first I had to make a call. So I sat at desk that gave me a view of her working and proceed to watch her while I spoke on the phone to someone at my office.

Sure enough after about 5 minutes this women quit typing and leaned over to get some paperwork. It was then that her rather substantial breasts planted themselves on the keyboard and all those strange characters popped up on her screen.

So I casually asked her boss to join me at her desk and explained the problem. They both turned a nice shade of scarlet but I think it was for different reasons.

Have a great 4th!