Sunday, May 14, 2006

Dating Guide For Beautiful People - Part 1

This is for all you beautiful people. You should pay attention because I am going to give you some information on how to make your life better.

Quit dating someone as good looking or better looking than you. You are wasting your time and you will NEVER be happy.

And here is why.....

First of all, I am average looking so I know what I am talking about. I'm the guy that in high school had no date for the prom, homecoming or any other dance they happened to have when I was in school. I was the poster boy for average looks and shyness. I was rewarded by virtually no love life in high school.

Even today I attract no attention when I walk into a room. "But that can't be true you say" Well it is and actually I have used my special talent to make a lot of extra money over the years.

I can't tell you the number of times someone has been foolish enough to make the following wager with me. I will bet anyone (even now) that I can walk into whatever club that is the meat market of your town at the height of business on a Saturday night, sit at the bar or table of your choice and drink until midnight without being shown any interest from the opposite sex.

Of course we exclude directions to the bathroom; are you using this chair; and have you seen [insert guy description here] walking around.

Women weren't interested in me in high school and that has never changed. It's a wonder I was ever able to get married. It just goes to show you how far begging and the lack of a restraining order can take you.

And let's make something else perfectly clear. For some reason or another people seem to think that just because I'm a comic and I am on stage that I have groupie chicks everywhere I go. They think that when it comes to women that being a comic is like musician. That just because we are on stage somehow that translates to getting laid.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. The actual truth is that comedians don't get laid and I have statistical evidence to support that; here it is.

I have been on the road since 1995. On average I have worked 28 weeks a year since I started. Now a comedy week is 7 shows and has 3 comedians on the bill. So by taking the 7 shows in a week and multiplying it by the 3 comedians that gives you 21 possible attempts to get laid a week. Multiple that by 28 weeks I work a year and you get 588 attempts a year. Then you multiply that by the 11 years I've worked and you end up with 6,468 attempts since I've been on the road. Now I am going to have to adjust that number in consideration of several factors. Men that are married or in a relationship and are faithful (yes they exist); lesbians; gay men; guys that aren't interested in getting laid (statistically non-existent); and women, who as a rule have no interest in hooking up on the road.

So for the sake of this argument I will reduce the number of attempts by 50% to allow for the above. This makes the number of times I personally witnessed guys trying to get laid on the road 3,234. And do you want to know how many times I have seen someone actually have success?

8 times

That's right, just 8 times and here's why. We are NOT musicians, they do get laid ALL the time but you cannot compare us to them and here is why.

When a woman goes out to see a band and is listening to the music it is evoking an emotion in her. She is feeling something, actually whatever she wants because she controls how she reacts to the music. And on that stage is this guy that is creating the music that is making her feel the emotions. Isn't that a great thing?

And the beauty is she can use her imagination. He can be whatever she wants him to be. He hasn't told her anything about himself. She can believe whatever she wants about him. He can be the shy creative type. He can be a hopeless romantic or the bad boy with a heart of gold. In short, he can be her fantasy of a perfect man.

He ends up being the mysterious man of her dreams (or at least the man of the moment) and what women wouldn't want a shot at that?

With a comic it is different. I am on stage for up to an hour and during that time I give you a lot of information about myself. Some true, some not so true. I am "in character" during my performance and I give you an impression of me. By the time I am finished you already feel like you know me. There is no mystery and it is not conducive to getting laid.

And girls, let's not forget mind set here either. When was the last time you and your friends all decided to go to the comedy club to meet guys? That's not the way it works. A comedy club is generally a couples destination.

The exception is the bachelorette party and what the hell is that about? I'm not saying I don't appreciate you being there but why would you choose to spend one of your last nights of being single at a comedy club? You should be at a male strip club fishing for Mister Wiggly with dollar bills. Because I'm telling you right now that your future husband is out with his friends doing things they can never speak of again.


You also have to factor in the amount of alcohol consumed. The average comedy show is an hour and a half. At a comedy club you sit and have a couple of drinks then leave. Compared that to drinking and dancing all night with a band at a club.

In the comedy world the old saying is the more you drink, the funnier I get. In the rest of the world it is the more your drink, the more handsome/prettier I get. You have to admit the one thing alcohol does well is lower standards.

And I just now realized that I haven't even gotten to the point of why the beautiful people out there should be dating average looking people. Looks like that will be in another blog.

So it looks like the point to my blog is this. A comic has better chance of getting into a traffic accident than getting laid after a show at a comedy club.

Your girls always say a sense of humor is the most important thing, but I'm not so sure.

Damn musicians.....

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