Monday, April 17, 2006

What's in a Name?

Note: If you are offended by bad language, you will probably want to skip this blog.

For those of you that do not know, in addition to being a comedian I also can claim the title "computer geek". I have been in the computer business since the late 70's. I own a computer store and a small Internet service because comedy doesn't pay all the bills. I'm not trying to brag but I can do just about anything with a computer.

So I've been running around on the Internet since it began. And I go back to pre-Internet days when the only online service out there was called a BBS (Bulletin Board System).

I have always been amused by the names people pick for themselves when it comes to Internet usage. I've seen very conservative looking people with screen names like ilikeituptheass. All I'm saying is you never know what to expect.

And now that MySpace has 71 MILLION users I thought it would be fun to take a look at how people on MySpace have chosen to identify themselves.

So here are some of my favorites.....

5 called themselves "Your future ex girlfriend" 12 used "Your future ex-girlfriend" 2 were "Your future ex boyfriend" and 9 are "Your future ex-boyfriend"

This means that there are 17 women and 11 men out there that already know that you are not going to make the cut. The ironic part is that most of them are looking for "Serious Relationships". It appears to me the only thing they are "Serious" about is getting rid of you.

43 called themselves "Cocksucker" 41 were "Cock Sucker" 1 was a "Cock-Sucker" 15 were using "Dicksucker" 35 more used "Dick Sucker" 3 were a "Cock smoker" but there was only 1" Dick smoker".

Only 139 people wanted the label Cocksucker. With being gay so fashionable these days and EVERYONE coming out of the closet I would have thought there were more people that would identify themselves as a "cocksuckers". Ironically, no lesbians use this name. And just for the record, I think "Dick Smoker" was the best one.

And only there was only 1 "cockologist"

What a shame, only one expert on the cock out of 71 million people. You'd think there would be more.

28 people think they are a "Dickweed"

These people want to make sure you know they are a dumb ass. And there were 776 dumb asses listed. Most of which have no picture, I wonder why.

21 use the name "Carpet muncher" and only 2 use "carpetmuncher"

Mostly lesbians in the group, there were a few males though They obviously know how much calling themselves a "Carpet Muncher" will turn on a woman.

5 are a "Horny Bitch"

Only 5! What the hell is the point of being on MySpace then? I might have to close my account.

1 say they are an "asskisser" 5 want you to know they are an "ass licker" and 7 use the term "ass-licker"

Only 13 people that are willing to kiss an ass or two. Out of 71 million? Again, what is this world coming to?

10 say they have a "bigcock" 38 use a "big cock" 36 want you to know they are a "bigdick" 150 say they have a "big dick" and 17 use the term "schlong"

So 251 guys are "claiming" to have a big schlong. And lets call it a schlong because that's the best name on the list. Not many of them have pictures, none of them discuss length or width and I didn't see one profile with more than 50 friends on it. So apparently there's some false advertisement going on here.

460 are "vicious" and 776 think they are an "asshole"

But there is not one vicious asshole. You'd think someone out there would be able to bridge the gap.

59 are "High maintenance"

Almost all of these are women with the exception of the occasional gay guy. These people are making it clear that if you want to be in their world you'd better bring your wallet and every credit card you can get your hands on. A few of them even look worth it.

12 are "frigid"

There were actually more men than women. What the hell is that! There is absolutely no way a man can be frigid. These guys need therapy.

116 are an "ice queen" and 149 use the term "ice princess"

I was hoping for a bunch of ice skaters here but unfortunately just found a group of angry women.

529 say they are a "whore"

Not one of these people had any pricing on their profile. How was I supposed to decide who was worth the money? But I suppose it doesn't matter because most of them should have been giving it away for free anyway.

699 are a "slut"

Now I have respect for these people. They just want to screw someone and make no secret of it. The only problem I had was that not one of them would answer my email. What is wrong with me?

1 person called themselves a "cum bucket"

There can be only one "Cum Bucket" and I see this person as the uber slut. Someone with absolutely no self control. Someone that makes the guy on the receiving side of a glory hole look like they are saving themselves for marriage.

61 people used "suck my dick" and 17 used "suck my cock"

Probably the most honest people of MySpace. At least they are telling you EXACTLY what they want you to do. Whether they are just horny or they could give a shit about you, you absolutely know it. You have to respect that!

Now to the most offensive of all.....

460 actually used the word "nigger"

Clearly one of the most offensive words in the English language I find it hard to believe that someone could possibly justify using this word. It is a sick and twisted mind that would call themselves this and my guess is they are going to burn in hell for it. I know it doesn't sound fair to hell, but even they need something to fuel the fires down there. It's just that I heard shit doesn't burn very well and it smells really bad when you do it.

556 are a "cunt"

Another one of the most offensive words out there, but I have to admit it is mostly offensive to women. Unless of course a woman is staring at a huge cock and hears "I'm going to ram my cock into your juicy little cunt!" I have a feeling that usage is going to be overlooked. However, that is not what is happening here and again the amazing thing? A lot of men are using this. Apparently these guys are not on MySpace to get laid.

109 are a "Puta"

Now I'm going to admit that someone told me I should have this term in this blog. But they wouldn't tell me what it meant. They said I would have to look it up. So I Googled it and this is the definition I found:

"In Roman mythology, Puta was the goddess of pruning vines and bushes"

Now what kind of lame shit is that?

Why are all these people even on MySpace if they are worshiping the goddess of pruning vines and bushes? Surely they can find something better to do.

So after looking into all this I thought that maybe I should change my display name. After all, mine is pretty lame by these standards. It's just my first name. So here is what I think my new name will be:

one-really-horny-guy-with-his-dick-sticking-out-unless-you like oral-if-so-I-can-lick-you-but-I-don't-do-anal-and-I-promise-to-respect-you-when-we-are-finished-unless-I-paid-you-then-you-are-a-whore-because-if-you-did-it-for-free-you-would-just-be-a-slut

There won't be anyone else with a name like mine on MySpace! I'm expecting a lot of attention once I make the change

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