Saturday, April 01, 2006

Booty Call Agreement


 Please note: This was from the days of MySpace
It's a little dirty too!

So the last blog was on bulletins and what I think of them. When I saw this one come through I thought I would take the time to give it the attention it deserves.


The Booty Call Agreement

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

My comment: As if someone that would actually use this agreement has principles!

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

My comment: What makes you think I'm going to WANT to sleep over. If you are not good enough to keep someone coming back on a regular basis, why do you think I'm going to stay.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

My comment: This is fine with me, but if my sole purpose is to service you then you need to be picking up the check.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

My comment: As far as I'm concerned no calls at all. Just send me a Mapquest link so I know where to find you. A limo would be even better.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

My comment: If you are looking for a "Booty Call" what do you know about lovemaking anyway? I don't even know why this one is in the agreement.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

My comment: Discussions? You'll be lucky if I remember your name! And that will only be if you give good head.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

My comment: The only backup you'll get out of me is when you "back up" to put me in you.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

My comment: You are correct, I will accept payment but don't insult me with a "token" amount.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

My comment: Finally! Something we agree on!

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

My comment: I don't compare myself to anyone else. It's not fair to them.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

My comment: Are you kidding me? We aren't even "sex buddies" you're just one step up above hooker.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

My comment: You'll be lucky if you can speak. And if you can I doubt you will be able to remember any name but mine.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

My comment: We'll talk about clothing in my agreement.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.

My comment: You don't have to worry about me. I'm ready to leave once the condom is off. You're the one that needs to worry about staying awake. If you can stay awake afterward then I haven't done my job now have I?

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

My comment: Ditto

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

My comment: Don't worry, my car will be in good repair. I don't want to be hanging out with your scanky ass.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

My comment: I prefer "hired dick".

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

My comment: I would agree with this. After all if you are looking for a booty call you're probably not much to look at anyway.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

My comment: No kidding! If you are issuing a "Booty Call" I figure I should put on more than one.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

My comment: I will but you may want to load up on water for a day or 2 before hand. You'll need to be hydrated.

21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

My comment: Why would I want anyone to know I was with you?

* EXTRA TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

My comment: My don't you think a lot of yourself! You better be a pretty good screw.

So it's all well and good that you have standards, but I have standards to. So if I sign your agreement, you are going to have to sign mine.

Here it is.....

1) I don't want to hear anything about your "gag reflex"

2) If you want to take it up the ass don't bitch at me because I'm "too wide"

3) Make sure you've cleaned yourself up because when I'm down there I want something sweet.

4) I'm just coming for a booty call so have the decency to wear some really good "fuck me please" lingerie.

5) Make sure you talk very dirty to me.

6) Don't be screaming "Holy shit! You are such a stud!" I'm tired of hearing that.

7) Remember to say my name correctly when you meet me. You'll have said it so much during you won't have any trouble remembering it afterwards.

8) Don't be calling and emailing me afterwards asking for another ride on the "ecstasy express". I'll call you if you made the cut.

Let the games begin.....

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