Friday, March 31, 2006

And The Bulletins Just Keep On Coming

 Please note: This blog is from the days of MySpace

Enough already!

I can't believe the bulletins that some of you are sending. Maybe I just don't get the concept:

You send me a survey.....

And it's nice of you to fill it out first but why do I have to tell you what my preferences in women are, find out if I'm Hot, find out about my firsts, what are my sexual preferences are, what did I do today, what do I think about these 20 things, what I'm afraid of and when was the last time I went to the bathroom? Are they really going to do you any good anyway?

And why do you want to cause me great harm with your bulletins? When I open some of them they say:

And if I don't repost within 5 minutes I will.....

Never find love, never have sex, lose my job, my marriage will be plagued with bad luck (funny that happened long before MySpace), have the worst life ever, or I'll be cursed if I "break the chain".

And what is it about being on a public forum communicating with people that you don't really know that compels you to want to fill out forms which reveal your inner most feelings, habits and sexual preferences. And I know a lot of you have your kids on your friends list. Do you really want them to know that you like to take it in the rear or don't have a gag reflex? Do you realize the trauma you are creating? Some of those kids are never going to be able to sleep through an entire night again. It should be considered abuse!

And do you think anyone really cares what you ate for breakfast this morning, what your favorite TV show is, what you slept in or when you took your last dump? I don't even know those things about my own children and I LOVE them more than anything. I don't even know you!

Why would you think that someone who barely knows you has any interest in these things and even if they did, what would they possibly do with that information? Call you to find out how long the turd in your toilet was this morning? Or maybe that could be your next bulletin.

Here is how it should read.....

Subject: I just got a Red Corvette!

Ha! I made you look! Now you must add your name to the list below and tell all of us people that don't even know you about your morning turd and what time you took it! And if you don't do it within 5 minutes you will be constipated for the next 2 years!

Amy: 5:43am - Mine looked a lot like rabbit poop
Mike: 5:52am - Mine must have been 15 inches long and curled in the bowl like a sausage!
Fred: 6:01am - The corn in mine was the coolest pattern!
Melissa 6:25am - Mine looks like the Virgin Mary!

How would you actually feel if someone you didn't know called you on the phone and asked you to fill out ANY of the questionnaires you are sending out? I'm pretty sure the conversation would end with you slamming the phone in their ear. You would be thinking to yourself "What kind of weirdo just called me? Why would they think I would give them that kind of personal information?" So why on earth would you do exactly the same thing online? Is it because you are invincible online? Is it because you are just a picture and some words on a very large Internet site? Do you feel that gives you some anonymity?

I suppose it does, but it doesn't keep people like me from judging who you are based on what you do on MySpace. And I can't believe some of you would want to be judged that way. Your kids show more maturity and restraint you do. At least they know how the game is played.

Why does your bulletin need to come with the threat of bad things happening to encourage me to pass it along? Have you ever heard the old saying you attract more.....

Never mind. Let's just say that I do not appreciate your threats against me. And if they continue I will be forced to start my own campaign of bulletins that will eventually take over MySpace. Do not provoke me, you have no idea what ends I will go to in an effort to win this battle.

So in closing just this once I will answer your surveys.....

Yes, no, yes, naked, hanging from a trapeze, axle grease, a duck and only if you do it first.

I hope that helps you out.

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