Friday, March 31, 2006

And The Bulletins Just Keep On Coming

 Please note: This blog is from the days of MySpace

Enough already!

I can't believe the bulletins that some of you are sending. Maybe I just don't get the concept:

You send me a survey.....

And it's nice of you to fill it out first but why do I have to tell you what my preferences in women are, find out if I'm Hot, find out about my firsts, what are my sexual preferences are, what did I do today, what do I think about these 20 things, what I'm afraid of and when was the last time I went to the bathroom? Are they really going to do you any good anyway?

And why do you want to cause me great harm with your bulletins? When I open some of them they say:

And if I don't repost within 5 minutes I will.....

Never find love, never have sex, lose my job, my marriage will be plagued with bad luck (funny that happened long before MySpace), have the worst life ever, or I'll be cursed if I "break the chain".

And what is it about being on a public forum communicating with people that you don't really know that compels you to want to fill out forms which reveal your inner most feelings, habits and sexual preferences. And I know a lot of you have your kids on your friends list. Do you really want them to know that you like to take it in the rear or don't have a gag reflex? Do you realize the trauma you are creating? Some of those kids are never going to be able to sleep through an entire night again. It should be considered abuse!

And do you think anyone really cares what you ate for breakfast this morning, what your favorite TV show is, what you slept in or when you took your last dump? I don't even know those things about my own children and I LOVE them more than anything. I don't even know you!

Why would you think that someone who barely knows you has any interest in these things and even if they did, what would they possibly do with that information? Call you to find out how long the turd in your toilet was this morning? Or maybe that could be your next bulletin.

Here is how it should read.....

Subject: I just got a Red Corvette!

Ha! I made you look! Now you must add your name to the list below and tell all of us people that don't even know you about your morning turd and what time you took it! And if you don't do it within 5 minutes you will be constipated for the next 2 years!

Amy: 5:43am - Mine looked a lot like rabbit poop
Mike: 5:52am - Mine must have been 15 inches long and curled in the bowl like a sausage!
Fred: 6:01am - The corn in mine was the coolest pattern!
Melissa 6:25am - Mine looks like the Virgin Mary!

How would you actually feel if someone you didn't know called you on the phone and asked you to fill out ANY of the questionnaires you are sending out? I'm pretty sure the conversation would end with you slamming the phone in their ear. You would be thinking to yourself "What kind of weirdo just called me? Why would they think I would give them that kind of personal information?" So why on earth would you do exactly the same thing online? Is it because you are invincible online? Is it because you are just a picture and some words on a very large Internet site? Do you feel that gives you some anonymity?

I suppose it does, but it doesn't keep people like me from judging who you are based on what you do on MySpace. And I can't believe some of you would want to be judged that way. Your kids show more maturity and restraint you do. At least they know how the game is played.

Why does your bulletin need to come with the threat of bad things happening to encourage me to pass it along? Have you ever heard the old saying you attract more.....

Never mind. Let's just say that I do not appreciate your threats against me. And if they continue I will be forced to start my own campaign of bulletins that will eventually take over MySpace. Do not provoke me, you have no idea what ends I will go to in an effort to win this battle.

So in closing just this once I will answer your surveys.....

Yes, no, yes, naked, hanging from a trapeze, axle grease, a duck and only if you do it first.

I hope that helps you out.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

No One Dates A Negative Number

How many times have you seen a really hot girl with some average looking guy and think. Why would she want to do that? There must be something more to this relationship.

See in your head you are doing the math and you don't even realize it. And I do that to. In my head I'm thinking. "She has to be a 9 and he's a 5 at best. That's a -4! Why would she date a negative number?"

What do you think you are? The scale is from 1 to 10 and thank God I don't think I've ever seen a one. I'm pretty sure I've seen a 2 or 3 but it was from a great distance so it wasn't too painful.

I personally think that most of us are in the 4 - 7 range. Now many will say that they've seen a lot of 10s but I think we should be more like the West German judges and be very stingy when it comes to giving out the big one-oh. It should be for someone that is just unbelievable.

So here's what I'm saying.....

When you are considering a date with someone their looks are taken into consideration. I know some of you reading this are thinking to yourself "He doesn't know what he is talking about. Looks have never been important to me". Well you and I both know that I am exactly right. Anyone that denies the reality of the first look is just lying to themselves. We always size someone up by their looks first.

The difference my friends; are in the bonus points.

What are bonus points you ask? Well that is a very good question indeed and that is what I am going to discuss in the rest of this blog.

Bonus points are all the tings that make you more attractive to your potential mate. It could be anything from having great feet to the ability to administer a really good spanking. It's different for everyone but I am going to discuss what I consider to be the most common bonus points for men and women. I'm sure your list is much longer and actually I would be interested in hearing what makes your list. Maybe we'll revisit this subject again if I get some good mail.

So here is my short list for both sexes.....

Add the following bonus points for your favorite guy.

3 extra points for WEALTH - I don't know what it is about money that gives you girls a case of the warmies but history has shown it to be desirable quality. We've all seen the old guy with that hot girl on his arm. The most famous example of this Anna Nichole Smith, the average looking stripper that ended up marrying the 80 year old guy. That relationship wasn't about love or romance. And it surely wasn't about sex, that guy was so old I bet he couldn't have gotten it up with a fork lift.

1.5 extra points for POWER - You girls really like a guy that can get things done. A good example of this are politicians. Have you ever noticed the women they attract. Oh sure, some of them are married to women their age. But you are always hearing about the affairs they are having with younger women (Hello! Bill Clinton). Or they will dump their wife of 30 years and take up with a hot younger woman.

1 extra point for GREAT IN BED - Finding a guy that can really curl your toes is a good thing, isn't it? We know you girls talk just as bad as us guys do. And there nothing wrong with having the bragging rights in you circle of friends. The problem with this one is that you can't find out without doing a little research. So a guy has to have pretty good initial score for you to get far enough into things (or is that far enough into you?) to find out if he should be awarded these extra points.

.5 extra points for a BIG PENIS - I think this deserves to be on the list but it is a very elusive thing to determine. It changes for every woman. The other problem is that it doesn't guarantee great sex. The old saying "It's not the size of the tool, it's how you use it" really does apply. But I'm giving it extra bonus point anyway because even if a guy has a big tool and doesn't quite know what to do with it, you girls seem to love a project. You'll hang onto that thing hoping you can teach him a thing or two.

.5 extra points for INTELLIGENCE - You girls like a smart guy but not too smart. Geeks would be a great example of this. Very smart guys, but they never get laid for it. Except guys like Bill Gates, who took their geekyness and were able to earn 3 extra points for becoming wealthy.

Add the following bonus points for you favorite girl.

3 extra points for NICE ASS/BREASTS - What can I say, men love them! But again this is a very subjective category. Some guys like big ones, some like small ones. It really depends on the guy. The great thing for you girls is that whatever you have it's somebody's idea of perfect and you are going to get the points for it.

2 extra points for BEING A STRIPPER - Yes I know it is very sexist and superficial but I will make no apologies for putting it on the list. The ability to turn a man on is very important. A stripper is every man's fantasy. It's just a shame most of them are lesbians or hate men.

2 extra points for GIVING GOOD HEAD - Again, what can I say. We're men, this is our favorite thing and if you do it well and like to do it you are a keeper. Nuff said!

1 extra bonus point for NO KIDS - Maybe I'm showing my age here but everyone I have dated kids. I have kids to and I love kids, but the more the merrier does not necessarily apply here. Besides, someone in the relationship has to have a house with no one in it to screw in.

.5 extra bonus points for WEALTH - I'm sure you've noticed that it is not nearly as high up on the list for us guys. And rightfully so, we don't care much about money. If you have some it's just an added benefit, nothing more.

So you will notice I left sense of humor off the list. That's because I don't believe it is at all that important to you girls. Sure, I see it on all the lists of qualities women are looking for in a man. But I have a great sense of humor and it's never helped me get a woman. The only thing that's EVER helped me is begging and the lack of a restraining order.

And girls, don't even bother asking your husband/boyfriend/lover/partner if what I'm saying is true. he'll never admit it. We are way to smart for that. He's only going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear and nothing more. We are not going to do anything that will inhibit our ability to have sex with you tonight.

So what do you think you are? And don't try to post a comment with what you think I am. I don't think I could take the news

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Fall Out

When you clicked on this blog listing you probably thought it was a post mortem on my week in Albuquerque.


Actually fall-out is the last word anyone wants to hear in the comedy business and it doesn't matter whether you are a comic, a booker or a club owner. It comes from the expression "my gig fell out" Meaning for whatever reason, the job you were expecting to work will no longer happen. Now this can happen for many reasons most of them not good ones.

For comics it can happen if:

  • The club you were supposed to work at closed
  • There was a double booking. Meaning you and another comic were both booked for the same gig and the other guy was chosen for the work
  • You were bumped for a special show. Sometimes a club will bring in a big name at the last minute and cancel whoever was supposed to work that week to make room.
  • The show was just cancelle
For clubs (or bookers) it means the comic is not showing up. Those reasons are:
  • The comic took other work for more money
  • The comic double booked themselves and the other club was more important to them
  • Transportation problems
  • Illness.
  • The comic is an idiot.
I will be discussing illness in this blog.

I was waiting to go onstage in Albuquerque Friday night. It just before I was going to walk on stage. I feel the phone in my pocket vibrating and out of habit I answered it. I shouldn't have because it was "Mr. Stress".

"I just got a call from Mary, she's in the hospital and won't be able to do the show tomorrow night" 'he tells me. At this point I only have enough time to tell him I'll call him back after I got on stage. Just when I hang up I hear "And now coming to the stage ..." I'm thinking I better get this out of my head so I can do my show. Because you got to be focused to do a good show.

After my set I called "Mr. Stress" back and he gave me the whole story. But first I need to give you a little information.

One of the ways comedy clubs earn income is through what we call corporates or privates. It's a generic term that refers to any event where we send a comedian outside of our club to perform comedy. It can be for just about anything. Dinners, birthday's parties, luncheons, and the list could go on forever. It's amazing the events people want to have a comic perform at.

Now when someone contacts the club for something like this is very important to match the right comic with the group. Some comedians are not well suited for these kinds of things. They may not be able to work clean enough or for whatever reason, have the wrong kind of act.

So we had scheduled Mary (I have changed her name because I don't want to talk about her medical problem in a public forum) for a local fire departments woman's appreciation night. The guys in the department have a night every year for their wives and girlfriends and decided they would like to get a comedian as a part of their entertainment.

So I booked a show with Mary as a headliner. Thinking since it was going to be a "ladies night out" that would be the best show for them. I have done this before with Mary and she did a great job.

Now back to our story.....

So "Mr. Stress" gives me the rest of the story. It seems Mary called the club upset and crying about 10:30pm. She told "The Bulldog" that she had colitis and it was so bad she had to go to the hospital. Now I'm going to admit that when I first heard that I thought Colitis! That's not so bad. She's just needs to tough it out! But that was the guy in me, the "walk it off" thing. Once I was able to shake that bad thought out of my head I told "Mr. Stress" I would get right on it.

Did I mention that it's now 11:30pm on Friday night and the show is only 21 hours away on Saturday night at 8:30pm?

So now what do I do?

Well, the first think is to notify my customer and make sure they know what's going on. The next thing is to get someone to replace Mary. That is going to be the hardest part because there are not a lot female comics in Denver that can work with no notice. You see most comics are booked around 6 months in advance. And I hate to say it but of the ones in town very few could do an hour that would be satisfactory for this event.

My contact for this event is a nice guy named Joshua and I'm not calling him at midnight to deliver this news. So I went back to the condo and fired off an email just letting him know what happened and told him that I would contact him in the morning. It's too late to start contacting comedians but I start building the short list in my head and go to bed. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day.

I'm up in the morning by 7:00am but there is no point in getting started yet because it's too early. I figure I can't call Joshua until around 9:00am and there's no way I'm going to get a hold of any comic before 10:00am on a Saturday morning. We all work late and sleeping in is a requirement. I think I'm one of the few that ever sees the Today show.

So I wait until about 9:00 and call our contact for the event. After explaining the situation to him he authorizes me to find someone else. The truth is at this point he really doesn't have much of a choice. They've been planning this for months and it will be too late to make a change in entertainment. He really has his back up against the wall and has to trust that I will be able to get another suitable act in place at such sort notice.

I'm happy he has faith in me because at this point I'm not so sure things are going to turn out well.

Now it is time to look at the list of comedians I feel would be able to do this show. I of course want to replace Mary with another woman. After all it is a women's appreciation night. The bad news here is that my list of women that would be available is small. In fact, there is only one person on it. So I call her cell phone. She answers and I ask her, so where are you working this week? Tampa Florida is her response. There goes my hope of having a woman do this gig.

At this point I only need to find one comic that can do a clean 30 minute show that will be liked by these women. I already had scheduled an opener for this event and his name is J Marc. Now J is a big black man with a shaved head that the ladies really like. He is more than capable of doing 30 minutes but 60 minutes is out of his range at this time.

So now I have to get the rest of my list out. And I start making the calls. I get lucky early and get a hold of another one of our Feature acts at the club. His name is Jay Benedict Brown. Jay does a very clean show and is a good fit. Best of all, he is available!

Now that I have the 2 comics lined up it is time to call back the customer. I explain what we are going to do and he agrees. All I have to do is make a couple more calls.

I get back with Jay Benedict Brown and work out all the other arrangements. Payment, contact information, how much time I expect him to do and what my expectations are. Then I call J Marc and explain to him that he will be doing a little more time and making a little more money. You see comics are paid based on the amount of time of their show. So in the beginning he was only going to do 15 minutes to warm up the crowd. Now I want him to do 30 so his pay will be doubled.

I also told J Marc that if things aren't going well to start stripping. I asked him if he needed an allowance for a g-string but he told me if he had to he would "free ball'n" it. I felt so much better after hearing that. It's good to know I'm working with a professional.

So in the end everything turned out just fine. The comics had a great time and the feedback I got from our contact at the fire department was good.

And no one saw J Marc's balls.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I Love Albuqurque!

I'm performing at Laffs Comedy Cafe' in Albuquerque this week.

Did I mention I LOVE Albuquerque!

I have to tell you that I had so many good things happen here I can't even count them. And it looks like this week will be no exception.

Let me give you a little history.

I had my first on the road gig EVER right here in Albuquerque. It was in October of 1995. I worked with Steven Kruiser from Tucson, AZ and Vince Curran from Denver Colorado. It was a particularly rough time in my life because my marriage was falling apart. The first days I was in Albuquerque were tough. I was away from my wife and our relationship was filled with stress. I remember having a 2-hour conversation with her on Friday morning that was more of an argument, things didn't look good.

But you know what? After that call unbeknownst to me she got in her car and drove all the way down to Albuquerque just to spend the night. It was a great gesture at the time. It gave me hope. In the end it didn't help, but still I have to say it was a good experience.

A year later when I was freshly separated I met a woman here that really made a difference in my life. At a time when I felt I was unlovable. Somehow or another she managed to love me. It made a world of difference in my life. I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for her. And even though it didn't work out, that was the way it was suppose to be. I owe her a debt I could never repay.

Over the years I have been here a lot. When I was an opener I came here 3 to 4 times a year, as a feature act 2 times a year.

I've made a lot of friends over the years here to. I love the food, I learned about Tequila here, one of my favorite used bookstores is here, I come for the balloon festival and the crowds love me.

My karma is great here.

As I write this I am in the Flying Star cafe. It's on the northeast side of the city. Great food, great coffee and the most important thing, FREE high speed Internet access. It's the best office ever!

And I have to admit I though the streak of fun I've had here was going to be over this time. I was planning on leaving Tuesday night because I always like to get here as soon as possible. As always though something got in the way of my leaving when I wanted to. This time it was a computer I needed to clean for a customer. I never let them sit while I'm gone. It took me until midnight to get the damn thing fixed. So I figure OK, I'll just get up at 4:00am and get down there during by 9:30. See it's only a 5 hour drive from my home in Florence.

So I get up at 4:00AM on Wednesday get in my car and stop off at the gas station. I get out my wallet to pay for my gas and NO DEBIT CARD! It is not in my wallet. So then I remember, I had stopped by the ATM Monday and left it in there. So here it is 4:00AM, I have $30 in my wallet (which is not even enough to pay for the gas to get there) and I'm leaving for Albuquerque for a week. So at this point I'm not able to leave.

So I know what you are thinking, if I'm going away for a week why don't I have any money? Well the truth is I never carry any cash. I used to be a banker (no earrings back then) and anyone would take your check. So I'm just not in the habit of carrying cash. I also don't have credit cards because I got in trouble with them years ago and a man has got to know his limitations.

So I go back to my house. This is the 2nd issue I've had with my wallet within the last week. Last Thursday I lost track of it somewhere and ended up driving from Florence to Denver at 11:30PM just to see if it was in my apartment, which (of course) it wasn't. After a night of no sleep and a lot of searching I ended up finding the thing back in Florence, jammed into the darkest depths of my computer bag. I'm loosing my mind!

So now I'm worried about the card and I can't leave until I get some money so I can't sleep. I wait until 8:00AM, get over to the bank tell them about my card, get some money and I'm on my way.

And since I haven't had any sleep I'm practically falling asleep at the wheel on the way down. If it wasn't for the sugar rush of jelly beans I brought with me I never would have made it.

So I was thinking it was going to be an uncomfortable week in the condo. "The condo" refers to any place the club puts the comics up. It could be a house or an apartment. This one is an apartment.

I'm featuring this week, which is never a good thing for a headliner. I usually do headline so I'm a very strong Feature act and at times can be difficult to follow. Add to that the headliner I'm working with would like to work at the club I book and I had to say no. You see club management reviewed his tape and didn't feel he was a good fit for the club. That doesn't mean he's a bad comic. It just means management didn't feel he would be liked by our customers and I was the one that got to tell him. So I figured things are going to be a little awkward this week and it had kept me from really looking forward to coming down here.

Even so I have to tell you that I like this guy. He's a good guy, a real pro and he has been nothing but nice to me so since I've known him. He's been around a long time to. Which means he and I both know a lot of the same guys and I have really enjoyed hanging with him this week.

Not only that but we have a great Opener this week. Openers are the least experienced comics in the show. Most have only a couple years experience and it takes much longer than that to get good at the craft. So it is not unusual for the Feature has to go up to a crowd that has just watched a guy eat it like a plow horse (not a good thing) for 15 minutes. This means the crowd is not properly warmed up and you have to work harder to have a good show.

But the opener this week is kicking ass! I'm going up to a nice warmed up crowd every show and I couldn't be happier.

But I'm not going to say his name because he's a big MySpace guy and I don't want to help him any! My plan is to deny any MySpace request he makes and not allow him to post any comments. That way no one will ever know who he is. It's my way of sticking it to him. And I'm only doing it for my own amusement.

This is also a chauffeur week for me. Neither one of the guys I'm working with came in a car, one flew in and the other took the bus. So it is up to me to get them back and forth to the club and to take them places if they need to go. It's a part of the lifestyle. You help your fellow comic out because some day you will need the help to.

And the show Wednesday night was great. I didn't realize it but I had some MySpace friends in the audience. They sat right in front and what nice people! It was a couple and the guy was very cool and very large. He had arms the size of my thighs and is about 6'4". The girl he was with was not just hot, she was Holy Shit hot! What a lucky guy he was. They hung around until just about everyone was gone. I have to admit I tried to lock him out of the building and keep her inside, but in the end I just couldn't do it. He's way to nice a guy.

And Thursday night was great to. I had a bachelorette party the front row. I love those and have a lot of fun with them. Also in the front row was a small table there for a girls birthday. They brought her a present, a small vibrator. Frigging priceless!

But the best thing of all this week, I'm connecting in a very special way with the nicest women I've ever met.

I'm telling you Albuquerque is good for me. I hope you have a place like this!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Period At The End Of The Sentance

Here's a little thing for you to remember.

Things look the darkest, before they go completely black.

If you've been reading you'll remember that I have had a coast to coast week from hell. It started Sunday when I went to Jacksonville Florida for a cruise ship audition that didn't go well and continued through Saturday in Spokane Washington. I even experienced a night of Combat Comedy on Thursday in Spokane. I made the mistake of thinking my week of hell was over once I left Spokane. Boy was I wrong!

I'll have to admit my time in Spokane was not nearly as fun as the last time I was there. It seemed to me every crowd was drunk and hard to work. That's all right but usually you get at least one show a week when everything goes well. It didn't feel like I got one of those but I still had a good week. Any time I spend on stage is good time.

So I was ready to put Spokane behind me as I left at 4:30AM Sunday morning. I had to be in Winter Park Colorado to do a workshop for some professionals on Monday. My plan was to get back to Denver by 10:00pm Sunday night and drive up to Winter Park on Monday. Sounds simple doesn't it?

It was until I hit the Montana border and my alternator light came on. And so begins another wonderful day on the road.

You need to know that I have no idea of how a car works. Sure I can change a tire or my oil, but beyond that I am helpless. Even so I did know that I would be able to drive for a while. I knew this because at one time I was a 16-year-old boy that drove a $100 car. It was always breaking down and from what I remembered I could drive as far as my battery would last. So I turned off all the electronics in the car and got on the phone.

I called my partner Mr. Stress and he was able to get me the number of a parts store in Bozeman Montana. I called them and they gave me the name and phone number of an auto repair shop that could work on Sunday. After a call to them everything was set up for me to pull in and get a repair.

I got to Bozeman and have to say I was treated real well. After testing they thought that the problem was a bad battery so they replaced it and I was only off the road for 2 hours. I figured I still had a chance to get to Denver even though I thought I would get in really late.

So I was back on the road for 5 minutes and the alternator light came back on. Holy shit!

I knew I couldn't go back but I called the shop and they said then for sure it was the alternator. They also told me no way they could get one on Sunday. I would have to wait until Monday morning. Well there was no way I could do that, I never would have made it to Winter Park for the workshop I had to do. They had already paid me in advance and I didn't want to have to give them a refund.

So I was back on the phone with Mr. Stress and we came up with a plan. I would drive as far as I could during daylight. I was hoping to get to Sheridan Wyoming by 5:00pm. From there it was 6 hours to Denver where I could pick up his car and get to Winter Park. So off I went, 365 miles to Sheridan Wyoming. I had to do it without a radio and I almost made it.

I actually got to Ranchester Wyoming which is just over the Montana border 12 miles north of Sheridan Wyoming. I knew I was in trouble a couple of miles before that when my speedometer and tachometer quit working. I was a quarter mile away from the exit when my engine died. I coasted down the exit and fortunately for me it was only 1 mile down hill into Ranchester. I actually coasted right into the only motel in town. I got a room and called "Mr. Stress" and went to plan B.

"Mr. Stress" got in his car and drove straight up from Denver. He got to Ranchester at midnight. After a 4 hour nap I was in his car and on my way to Winter Park.

I made it to Winter Park with plenty of time to spare. I did my workshop that evening for 75 people that all had a PHD in Biology and did public speaking every week. My workshop was on putting humor into your presentations and about half way through I couldn't help thinking "What them hell is a guy like me with half a college education doing up here trying to teach these intelligent people something."

Even so they were a great group and gave me good feedback after I was finished.

While I was doing all that Mr. Stress was nice enough to get my car fixed and drive it back to Denver. I picked it up on the way home and made it back in time to have dinner with my kids.

So ends another week in the world of comedy. You never know how it's going to work out.