Sunday, February 19, 2006

Shut Your Hole


What is it about being around airplane that makes you people want to talk? Shut up already!

As I write this I'm waiting my for my baggage in Jacksonville Florida. I'm in Jacksonville to compete in a contest. I hate contests, but more about that later.

First I need to do some complaining ...

I'm going to say I'm already not in a good mood. I only got 3 hours and 45 minutes worth of sleep last night. I had to get up at 2:45am to catch the RTD bus to DIA (that's Denver International Airport) to make my 7:00am flight. Now the bus was great, it was full of TSA (Transportation Security Authority) employees on their way to work. They don't want to talk about anything. Look forward and shut your hole seems to be their motto. I couldn't have been happier.

It started as soon as I got inside the building. I couldn't even get any peace and quiet waiting in line. I was stuck in line with a lady that was going to Jacksonville to! (Holy Christ!) And some kid that claimed he was roady for Megadeth (Really?). I wanted to slit my wrists with a dull knife when the woman (who is close to 60) told the kid "I know who Megadeth is! I don't listen to them a lot but [insert droning conversation here]".

Then they started in on me. What do you do? Why are you going to Jacksonville? Do you fly Air Trans much? The answers in order are:

None of your business

None of your business

and ...

None of your business

I don't want to sound anti-social (and maybe I am) but I never tell anyone what I do. If I tell them I'm a comic I always get, "Oh! That must me so fun! Could you tell us a joke?" No I can't. Do I ask you to perform your job when you aren't working? If I tell them I work with computers I either hear about how much they hate them or end up having to give them advice or tech support. If I tell them I own a video store then I end up talking about movies I've not nor never want to see.

Truthfully unless I'm traveling with you, I don't want to talk to you. I just want to get through my trip in silence.

So this time I was a professional ground pool digger going to Jacksonville to look for work. They never seem to be able to talk about that for very long.

Now back to our regularly scheduled griping already in progress.

I get on the plane and am seated on the isle, by now it's nearly 6:30 and all I want to sleep. The guy next to me seems to have other plans. He spends the next 45 minutes trying to talk to me (I actually had my eyes closed the entire time) and jamming his elbow into my side. I finally had to ask him to quit talking to me. To his credit he did quit talking to me, but then turned the other way and spent the rest of the trip hitting on the girl sitting in the window seat. The way he was talking he'd been to every major city in the world. I can't believe anyone would believe the crap he was shoveling out.

Fortunately I was able to get about an hours worth of sleep. And thankfully on the connecting flight out of Atlanta the guy next to me didn't say a word. He just slept.

Now about contests ...

I'm not saying that they are all fixed because that would not be true, but many are. Like that TV show that shows all the comedians standing in line to get a chance to audition for a chance to compete. Did you know that just about every one of the comedians that made it to the finals already had management? Did you know that most of the finalists didn't have to stand in line to audition? That they actually had appointments to go in and do their audition? I can't watch that show without yelling at the TV.

I've only been in one other contest. It was many years ago and when I went to the finals I had the highest score from the preliminaries. I had the highest score in the finals. Did I win you ask? Nope, I had a deduction from my score for going over my time, which by the way I didn't do. But it was the only way the club could push the right person into the winning spot. And would you like to know who that was? It was a TV weatherman that brought his cameras with him to record his participation in the contest and air it on his broadcast. It was a great way to get the club advertised and in the process give me a bad attitude.

That was nearly 10 years ago and I haven't entered one since, until now.

I'm going to be competing in the Carnival Cruise Challenge. From everything I've heard it is on the up and up. I'm one of 50 or so people competing for a week of work on a Carnival Cruise ship. Now I have no idea if I'll win but I'm actually in this contest for the exposure. The judges for this contest are some of the best bookers in the business. I'm hoping I can make a good impression and get some work out of it.

The results will be in my next blog entry.

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