Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I Hate Halloween


Who ever thought of this holiday? It's the only holiday based on fear!

Thanksgiving is about getting together and being thankful; Christmas is about good will; and Easter has a cute little bunny. But Halloween is about ghouls; goblins and death. Even when the kids ask for candy they threaten you with "Trick or Treat". Meaning either cough it up or we'll do something bad to you.

I'm shuddering just thinking about it.....

I think I feel this way because I was scared as a baby. I can remember the terror I felt as a child every Halloween night. I was the kid that was hiding in the house. I was afraid of everything. It didn't matter how a person dressed up, I was still afraid of them.

I didn't give out candy and I for sure didn't go out trick or treating. It wouldn't have mattered if they were giving out $100 bills. There was no way I was going to try to pass the gauntlet of kids in costumes.

I just want to know why anyone thinks a holiday that is based on scaring people is fun. What kind of twisted world are we living in?

So you'd think that as I grew up I would get better. That is partially true. I may not be paralyzed with fear anymore but the whole thing still gives me the creeps.

I just don't get it. How did dead people coming to life become fun? If that really happened there would be chaos in the streets. And don't even get me started on witches. If you knew someone that actually had magic powers you would not go near them you would be so afraid.

And why do some people think they should dress up to go to work. This morning when I was out on my run I saw the bus driver dressed up as a ghost. And she's picking up little elementary school kids! She shouldn't be scaring kids like that.

When I went to the bank my teller had a knife sticking out of her head with blood running down her face. My lunch was served by a waitress that had an eyeball hanging out her socket. How appetizing....

I don't like the costumes, the candy or being scared. The only thing that could make Halloween worse would be if everyone dressed up as a clown. It would be like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone.

Clowns give me the creeps. There's nothing that will make my skin crawl faster than when I see a clown. It's like Halloween is repeating itself.

Clowns have single-handedly ruined parades for me. You know all those Shriners that dress up and go to parades? I could sure live without those.

Now I'm not saying that clowns or Halloween should be abolished. After all, there are plenty of people that enjoy them.

I think I should be able to opt out of Halloween. Maybe Icould put up a sign that says "Fright Free Zone".

And there should be some sort of universal way to tell clowns to back off and give a person some space. The gay community has the rainbow, why can't people like me have something. Maybe it could be a button that has a rubber nose on it with one of those red circles with the line across it.

If only I could live in a perfect world.....

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Road to Fort Wayne


Sometimes it is straight there and straight back to get to a club for work. Other times you have to go the long way.

It ended up being the long way to Fort Wayne.

This week I was working in Fort Wayne Indiana at Snickerz Comedy Bar. I love that room and really enjoy working there. Plus my parents house is on the way. Usually I get a chance to stop by and visit my mom and dad on the way out. My dad will be 92 in February and I take every chance I can get to see him.

Unfortunately there was no stop at my parents on the way out this time. This time I had to stop in Omaha. My parents would have to wait until the way back.

I stopped in Omaha for two reasons. The Omaha Funny Bone and the Todd 'N Tyler show.

I haven't worked at the Omaha 'Bone for a couple years now and I used to be a regular there. Unfortunately for me the club changed their booking agent and I was not one of the comics he worked with. So since then, no working at the 'Bone for me.

This kind of thing happens a lot in the comedy business and you never know when. Networking is everything and your circle of friends can change faster than gay entertainers at a drag show. You appear a club and 2 months later all the key people change. You call back for your next booking only to find out that no one there will take your call because they've never heard of you. The fact that you've worked there a couple of times a year for the past 5 means nothing.

The only to get back in is to get your name in front of the right people again.

So even though I don't work for the 'Bone anymore I still need to keep a relationship with them. Just because the new booking agent doesn't feel the need to hire me doesn't mean the next one won't. The best way to keep myself in the running is to make sure they still remember me. One way is to hang out at the club, but that is not an option here. I live 10 hours away.

The good news is that I stay in touch with the manager Colleen Quinn. Every once in a while the club needs someone to fill in on an odd night. So I always call Colleen a month or so before I head through to see if they need anyone. This time they needed someone to do a show for them on the Wednesday before I was scheduled to be in Fort Wayne.

So I keep my relationship with the club, I get a FREE place to stay (the condo) on the way to Fort Wayne, and I get to make an appearance on my favorite radio show.

Definition: "Condo" - Anywhere that the club has to put the comics up that is not a hotel. It could be a house, apartment, town home or an actual condo.

The bad news is that I won't get paid for the show. But that doesn't matter to me. I'm just happy to keep a connection with the club.

Then there is the Todd 'N Tyler show. It is the number one radio show in Omaha and I am one of their friends. In fact, I have a standing invite to stop by and be on the air with them whenever I'm passing through. I love doing radio and I gel very well with the boys. I always have a good time on (and off) air with them. Even if I couldn't work the 'Bone it is always worth it to stop in and have some fun.

Even if I am paying for a room for the night.

The plan was to leave first thing Tuesday morning. As always I was held up and FINALLY left for Omaha at around noon. With the time change and all the driving I got into Omaha somewhere around 11:30pm. Not normally a problem but since the last time I was there the club had moved and they also moved the condo. So here I was at 11:30 at night cruising around an apartment complex I've never been to trying to find the right building number. All along waiting for the police to show up to ask me "what the hell are you doing"? After about 15 minutes I finally did find the right building. I also found the key to the condo right where they said it would be hidden.

Even so I'm always a little nervous when I get to a new condo for the first time this late at night. I've never been to the place before, I don't even know if I'm in the right place. What if I actually found someone else's key in some freak accident of nature and when I open the door and start going through the house someone will think I'm breaking in.

Plus you never know what you're going to find in a condo when you come in late at night "un-announced". Maybe I'll walking in on somebody jerking off, play hide the stick with a friend or walking around naked (all of which have happen).

I don't want to know that stuff.....

Fortunately for me though I'm the only one there. As I walk through I can tell it a comedy condo. It clean but is furnished sparsely. What furniture is there is mismatched, very few knick/knacks, or pictures on the wall. In each bedroom there is a bed and not much else. The kitchen has just the basics; a fridge and a microwave.

Basically it's like a badly put together model home. It looks like you could live there, but not for very long.

I will have to say though this is one of the nicest condos I have ever seen. It is in a very nice complex and is a town home with a garage underneath it. The first condo with a garage I could actually park my car in.

Bonus!

By the time I get all my stuff out the car and unpacked it's nearly 2:00AM. Another late night.

Again, usually not a problem but I need to be at the radio station by 8:30AM which means I need to get up by 6:30AM. I need time to get cleaned up and wake up. So Wednesday morning I get up early and get down to Z92 studios. I walk right in and get right on he air. I haven't seen the guys in a year but it feels like I just saw them last week. I had a great time.
So after radio was over I went down to see the club for the first time. What a beautiful room! I wish I had some pictures but I have no camera so you'll just have to take my word for it. I was also able to see the manager of the club Colleen and her assistant manager Stacy. I've been friends with both of them for a long time and I was able to catch up with them some. It was a nice visit but I couldn't stay long. They had work to do and I was just getting in the way.

The nice things about being on the road is that you have a lot of free time. I was able to spend the rest of the day hanging out at a coffee shop cruising the Internet and I even had time for a nap!

The show that night went well, it was a small crowd but we had a lot of fun. There isn't really anything to tell about it. I did learn something after the show. I learned that pineapple juice is a great chaser for cheap Tequila. The bartender taught me that one!

So by the time I got back to the condo and into bed it was nearly 12:30AM. Not bad for a regular comedy day, but not good when you have to leave by 5:00AM. I had to get to Fort Wayne Indiana by 6:00PM that next day. I had a lot of road and a time change ahead of me. Since you never know what will happen when you travel it's always good to get going early.

So since this is going long I'm going to end it now.

Coming soon Part II.....

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

R.I.P. Dundee "The Wonder Mutt"


Apparently it was his time last week, he was a great dog.

Dundee hasn't been living with me for several years now, I sent him on a humanitarian mission. He has been keeping my parents company since their last dog passed away. They were lonely and I knew that Dundee would be good company for them. He was very smart and very well behaved.

Even though I've lived with dogs for most of my life I don't consider myself a dog person. When I was growing up my family always had dogs. The first ones I can remember were Candy ( a Springer Spaniel) and Yuppy (a Beagle with a Hungarian name). Both of those dogs passed away while we were on a family vacation when I was young.

Over the years there were more, even a 2nd Yuppy (Yups for short) that was a Vizsla (a Hungarian bird dog).

When I moved away at 18 I decided not to have a dog anymore. I tried a cat but the thing just hated me. His name was Herman and he went out of his way to piss and shit in my clothes. After that cat I decided no more.

When I got married my wife was dog lover so we had several dogs. A couple of Beagles and then some Shitzus.

When I divorced we had a dog named Andy and he stayed with my ex and the kids. So I was without a dog again.

At this point I should probably point out that I was never the one that spent a lot of time with the dogs that were in my family. I very rarely fed them, took them places or played with them. I didn't hate them, I was just used to having them around.

So after about a year of being single I decided to start looking for a dog. I didn't know if it was out of habit or if I was just a little lonely living by myself. I did a lot of looking on the Internet and reading about all the different kinds of dogs. I read books and studied up. In the end I decided that I wasn't going to find a dog, the dog would probably find me.

So I started going to animal shelters and looking at the dogs. There was never a dog that stood out. I saw many dogs that I thought were nice, but there was never one I wanted to take home.

After months of looking I went through the local Humane Society and saw Dundee for the first time. I don't know what it was about him that caused me to stop, but I did and he seemed like a nice dog. I didn't take him home that day but he stayed on my mind. I went back 2 more times before I decided to take him home.

I think he was about 4 months old at the time.

The kids were thrilled the first time they came over met him. I had bought a book called "Every Dog Need a Little Training" and used it to teach him how to sit, stay and use a kennel. He was very smart and picked up on everything quickly.

When I got him I had planned to take him on the road with me but he got to be too big. So I ended up having to leave him with Pam (a women that worked for me) when I left town. Dundee was smart enough to know that different houses had different rules. At my house I could leave a plate full of food on the coffee table and would never touch it, even if I left the room. At Pam's house he once took an entire meatloaf off the kitchen counter and ate it because he knew he wouldn't be in much trouble.

My place was where all the rules were and Pam's was doggie Disneyland.

Dundee ended being my buddy, my running partner (he could run up to 10 miles), company mascot and watch dog. He was the first dog I ever had that was really mine and the first one I really took care of.

It was hard for me to take him out to live with my parents but I knew it was the right thing to do. My parents were 88 and 70 at the time. They had just lost the 2nd of 2 dogs in the past 6 months. They just didn't have the energy for a puppy. I figured Dundee would be a great addition to there family and he was.

They loved him more than I probably ever did. My mom and dad both spoiled him rotten and he returned their love by being a loyal member of their family. I can't tell you how many times my parents would call me and tell me how happy they were to have Dundee with them. I never needed to hear that. I was just glad he made them happy.

So on Sunday October 15 I was able to spend the day at my parents house. I got to see Dundee and had a very nice time with my parents. He looked fine to me when I left Monday morning at 6:00AM.

Unfortunately he collapsed around 9:00AM that morning while he walking across the living room. My dad (who is now 90) fell over and hurt himself trying to help him. But there was nothing they could do. They took him to the vet and he passed away Tuesday morning.

The vet told us that he didn't suffer at all. He had some sort of stroke and felt very little pain.

I bet right now he is in heaven breaking every one of my rules......

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Two a Days


Damn I'm fat!

And I say that as I eat my lunch of a big slice of cheese pizza which I am washing down with a big bowl of corn chowder. Breakfast this morning was a chocolate brownie and some sort of pecan pastry. Some much for healthy eating.

I've been battling with my weight and self image most of my life and I'm afraid that now I have the trifecta going. Balding, fat and old.

I can't do anything about balding and being old so I decided to work on the fat part. I have to tell you it is not going well. I've ballooned up to 235 lbs (at least that's what the scale groaned out the last time I stepped on it) and that frightens me.

All my life I've thought I was heavy and the truth is I probably didn't really get that way until I was 21. By 1995 I weighted nearly 275 lbs and I was not a pretty sight. There were some real life altering things that happened that year but one of them was watching my dad go though bypass surgery. I did not want that to happen to me so I decided to do something about my weight.

Through diet and exercise I had gotten my weight down to 225 by the middle of 1996, just in time for my marriage to crumble adding more stress to my life which I didn't need. Some people reach for a bottle of beer when they get stressed. Not me, I reach for a cheeseburger.

By November of 2002 when I ran the Tulsa Marathon I weighted 197 lbs. Even so, I have managed to gain 40 lbs over the past 4 years. Did I mention I am a vegetarian and I run between 20 - 40 miles a week? I bet you thought all vegetarians were skinny.

I guess not.....

So after the big scare on the scale this week I have decided to ramp it up. I'm running 8 miles a day now; 4 in the morning and 4 in the afternoon. I've changed my diet and am eating a lot of fruit and cutting down what I eat in the evening.

I have to say I resent doing it. I don't like having these kinds of limits in my life. I'm tried of diets and exercise. I can't wait until I'm 70. That's when I'm giving up on all the healthy crap.

I figure when I'm 70 I'll be on the downhill slide anyway so why worry about things. Have a good time! That will be my motto.

I'm going to do all the things I don't do now. I'm going to start eating meat again and I don't care how loud my colon screams. Pizza, pies, brownies and cakes? No problem, there will be enough room for everything. Soda, coffee, beer? I don't care, mix them all together. I'll drink it!

I'm pretty sure I will have a pretty good drug habit going as well. I'm thinking coke or meth. I never did them before because I heard they made you impotent but at 70 what's the difference? I'll probably be impotent anyway. So if I'm going to take a pill it's not going to be a blue one that's gives me some pleasure (if I can find a women to be with) for a couple hours. I'll be doing drugs that allow me to sit in front of the television for days.

An exercise? Forget that! I plan on never doing anything that even remotely looks or seems like exercise .I'm getting a wheelchair with a colostomy bag holder. I don't want to get out of that thing for any reason. It will be a little difficult sleeping sitting up but maybe by then they will make one that reclines.

I might even take up smoking. Not because I like it, just because it's something that's bad for you.

That right, I'm a rebel.....

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Another Moron Crosses the Finish Line


Here's the thing.....

I book a comedy club. It's no big deal to me, it's just a job. My goal is to book the best comedians I can find into the club and to do so in a professional manner.

Sounds simple doesn't it?

It is most of the time, as long as the comedians I deal with are professionals. But some of the comedians out there find it very difficult to professional. Sometimes it's impossible for them. For the life of me I cannot understand why they don't get it. Comedy is a business and if you are going to be in it as a professional, you need to conduct yourself in a professional manner.

And there are a lot of people out there that call themselves comedians. They think that just because they can get a little stage time at their local club that they are a comedian. Now I don't want to sound like a snob but I will say this. Standing on a stage at a comedy club does not make you a comedian. In my opinion getting paid is what makes you a comic. I'm not talking about every once in a while either. We all do a little stage time for free. But if you are not getting paid for 90% of your stage time, I have a hard time seeing how you can really call yourself a comedian.

If you can't get paid for your work, then comedy is a hobby for you. You shouldn't call yourself a comedian. Maybe you could call yourself a comedian in training or an apprentice comedian.

You are also not a comedian when you work (get paid) less than 100 shows a year. For those of you that do not know a regular comedy week is 7 shows. To do a hundred shows you would have to work 14 weeks out of 52 in a year. That's just 26% of the year. How many other jobs out there can you work just 26% of the time and consider your self a professional? I know I came up with a pretty low number but I will use it for a baseline and I think I am being generous.

Now some will disagree with my definition and that's OK; but since this is my blog, we get to use my definition.

Back to my little story.

How can you expect to work for someone when you do not conduct yourself in a professional manner? I don't expect (nor do I want) people to kiss my ass because I book a club. I actually hate it when people try to suck up to me for work. I judge everyone on their merits. It will not help to brown nose me, that will not get you work. Talent and being professional are the only things that will get you on the stage of the club I book for.

This blog is on how to make sure you will never work at the club I book; compliments of Devin Barber.

Who is Devon Barber you ask? I really have no idea. He is just someone out there that calls himself a comic. I looked him up on the net and found no schedule for him. He has a web site that doesn't tell you much about him and as near as I can tell he's not on MySpace.

But he does have the email address for booking at my club. He felt the need to send the following email to me along with another 15 or so booking agents.

*******************************************************************
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 5:07 PM
Subject: A great joke

Saw this one on Kingsolomonstoons.com

Why are democrats sexier than republicans?

Ever heard of a great piece of elephant.

Devin
*******************************************************************

So my reply to him was a polite one. I asked to be removed from his announce list. The address he sent this to is used just for booking. I know some bookers that get almost 250 emails a day! That would never work for me, so I try to keep my mail down. So here was my reply.

*******************************************************************
To: "DEVIN BARBER"
Subject: Re: A great joke
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 09:22:33 -0600

Could you please take this address off your announce list?

Thanks
*******************************************************************

I thought my response was polite and to the point. This was the response I received

*******************************************************************
Sent: Friday, September 22, 2006 7:14 PM
Subject: Re: A great joke

You are not on my announce list or what ever that is. I just thought you'd enjoy the joke.

*******************************************************************

Here's where Devin could have made things pretty simple. A quick, OK would have sufficed. No harm, no foul. I'm just trying to keep an excessive number of emails out of my mail box. Who wouldn't?

So Devin shows that he has no idea what he's doing when he says he doesn't know what an announce list is. He should, he sent this email to around 30 people. And he's telling me he thought I would enjoy the joke.

Well I didn't think it was that funny. So I told him so and my answer was brief.....

*******************************************************************
To: "DEVIN BARBER"
Subject: Re: A great joke
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 2006 21:44:23

Nope.....
*******************************************************************

I thought to the point and non offensive. But instead of doing the smart thing and just removing me from his little list of emails. He send this

*******************************************************************
Sent: Saturday, September 23, 2006 9:17 AM
Subject: Re: A great joke

Well, I guess your just an asshole then. Don't bother replying... I won't be opening it... asshole.
*******************************************************************

So I'm an asshole? Why? Because I didn't thing the joke was funny? Some Internet joke that has been passed around forever and this guy just found it and thinks it's a stoke of genius?

Please.....


So since Devin is not going to read my private email to him I suppose he has left me no other choice. I will have to answer his email in a public forum. On my blog. So here goes.....

To: "DEVIN BARBER"
Subject: Re: A great joke

Dear Mr. Barber,

I just wanted to apologize.

I'm very sorry.

I had no idea who I was dealing with. Had I known you were an all knowing comedy genius I would have never have asked to be removed from your mailing list. I could obviously learn from you.

How could I have been so stupid......

I took the time to look you up on the net and found your web site; devanbarber.com.

I wish I would have known all this before I challenged your comedy knowledge by asking to be removed from your list. After reading what was on your web site I now understand why you are in a position to tell me what is funny.

I didn't know that you have been doing comedy since February of 2004. How can I compare that to my start in September of 1992? You have obviously amassed quite a bit of knowledge in those 2 1/2 years. I wish I could have put my 15 years to as good a use.

And I had no idea that you have over 200 shows "under your belt" (that's what you said on your web site). It took me all of last year to do 200 shows. Now I will admit I was just headlining clubs all over the country. I had no idea that your 200 shows over the past 2 1/2 years were at open mics and bars throughout the Northwest.

This past Saturday night I was headlining at Laffs Comedy Cafe' in Tuscon, one of the finest comedy rooms in the country. Where were you performing? Your schedule is not online. Maybe you were at the lounge at Eastmont Lanes Bowling Alley in Wenatchee Washington? I am surely not on as fine a stage as you.

With your depth of experience it should have been obvious to me that you really do have a better idea of what is funny than I do. If you say an Internet joke is funny then it is and I have no place to say otherwise.

So I hope you will accept this, my most sincere of apologies and will keep me on your mailing list. I promise I won't send you any email. I understand that I have not earned the right to expect someone like you to read anything I've written.

I just hope you'll be kind enough to send another lame Internet joke my way. After all this stress I could sure use the laugh and we all know, you know what is funny.

Your new best buddy (I hope)

Vilmos

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Uncomfortable Survey - The Remix


THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

Note: My crazy answers are in blue and I'm not "afraid" of anything.

-Longest relationship

12 years, but I really paid for that one.

-Shortest relationship

Does a blowjob from a hooker count?

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you?

If I don't count the number of times they were under the influence of something, none.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with?

Sure but I bet they never thought of marrying me.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?

Doesn't that require a heart?

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?

That happens whenever I'm out to dinner with someone. Is that a bad thing?

-Have you ever cried over a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Only when they pass about before we've had a chance to have sex.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?

If paying by the hour counts as a relationship, then I am happier in a relationship.

-Have you ever cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you cheat on someone when you are paying them by the hour?

-Have you ever been cheated on?

See above.

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?

The fact that they can be "rented".

-What is the best part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-What is the worst part of being in a relationship?

Knowing it's going to end when the money runs out.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?

You have to have one for that to happen.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?

Only when I didn't tip them.

-Talk to any of your exes?

Yes, on the phone. The number is 900 GET-LAID

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?

Sure, I would go back to 1975; a blowjob was 5 bucks!

-Do you think any of your exes feel the same way?

I think they like today's pricing better.

-What is your ideal boyfriend or girlfriend?

Cheap and without disease.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?

As long as I pay.

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?

No. They are always good to you when you pay by the hour.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?

Yes, once I had to screw a hooker without a condom.

-Have you dated someone older then you?

Only when I'm a little short on cash. Older hookers are cheaper.

-Younger?

Sure, but not too young. I prefer my hookers have experience.

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

That's the beauty of paying for it, no regrets.

-When is the last time that you were in a relationship?

Last night at 8:00pm on Colfax in Denver.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Does that mean a 2 for one night? Hell yes!

-Believe in love at first sight?

Only if I have enough money.

-Ever dated two people at once?

No, I can't afford to pay for 2 at a time.

-Ever been given a promise ring?

I've been given a cock ring.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?

See the last question.

-Do you want to get married?

No. It's cheaper to pay by the hour.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?

Some of you weren't worth the money.

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Can you steal someone when they are being paid by the hour.

-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Like I said in the last question.....

-Do you believe in true love?

I believe in exact change.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?

Don't you have a heart to have it broken?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Week From Hell


First, I have to say everything at Laffs Comedy Cafe' in Albuquerque was great!. Great crowds, great staff and great comics to work with.

The rest of the week sucked ass.....

I should have known I was going to be in for a rough week on Tuesday. That was the day I was actually planning to leave. My plan was to get into Albuquerque early and have a little time to relax. That didn't happen, I didn't actually leave until Wednesday at 2:30 in the afternoon a full 28 hour later than originally planned.

The problem is I have responsibilities when I'm at home. I hate those things!

So I've been looking forward to this trip to Albuquerque for quite some time. My first road gig was in Albuquerque and I've always had a good time there. This was going to be my first week headlining in Albuquerque and I was riding my Harley down.

It was going to be a great week and a great trip. At least that's what I believed.

When I left at 2:30 on Wednesday afternoon my plan was a 6 hour ride to Albuquerque. I figured I would get in a little after dark; get myself settled and get a good nights sleep. That little plan went out the window at about 6:45, when I reached Ojo Calliente, New Mexico. I was about 3 miles south of town when my bike started wobbling badly; my rear tire was going flat.

By the time I pulled off the road my rear tire was indeed flat. Unfortunately there is no place on a motorcycle for a spare tire, I was stuck. About 5 minutes after I stopped a woman that lived in the farm house I was in front of came out to see if I could use help. I asked her if I could park my bike behind one of their out buildings and she said "no problem". The last thing I wanted to do was leave my Harley out overnight in the open on a lonely stretch of New Mexico highway. The first rule of breaking down on a Harley is to NEVER leave it on the side of the road unattended. All it takes is 2 guys and a pickup truck to make sure you will never see your bike again.

I got a ride back into Ojo Calliente (which should translate to "middle of nowhere") to the only motel. You know it's not good when the biggest advertisement on the sign is "Color Television". I paid $50 for the room and it did have a 13" color television that you could watch 4 channels on. Each one filled with a lot of snow. It was a looonnnngggg way from cable.

There was no phone in the room and of course, no cell service. I had to walk about a block away just to get a very weak signal to make calls. The biggest issue; make sure I can get to Albuquerque for a show on Thursday night.

But I had some luck.....

One of the comics I was working was working with was Jeff Wozer and he lives in Denver. I called him and found out he was actually taking a route to Albuquerque that would take him very close to me. We made arrangements for him to pick me up on the way, just in case I wasn't able to get some sort of repair and get there myself.

The biggest surprise was when I got back to my room and went to wash my hands. They were thoughtful enough to set out the soap for me and for added measure, there was a black pubic hair already on it.

Nice.

So I spent a restless night sleeping. Not only I was worried about my bike being stolen; but I also wanted to get an early start on getting the tire fixed. I thought I could use a can of fix-a-flat on the tire which would get me into Espanola, the next town which is big enough to have a motorcycle shop where I could get my tire repaired.

I was told that the only gas station was a mile away and opened at 7:00am. So at 6:45 on Thursday morning I took off to get some fix-a-flat. After a 20 minute walk I find out the gas station doesn't actually open until 9:00. So I have another 20 minute walk back to the motel to wait.

So at 8:40 I again took off for the gas station. I made it by 9:00 but the station wasn't open. The station did not open until 9:30 when the woman that ran it pulled in. Why worry about the time when you are the only game in town?

Fortunately for me they had some fix-a-flat and I bought 2 cans. I then began the 2 mile walk to where my bike was to see if I could get myself going. The walk took forever. The reason was that I had call after call while I was walking. The service is so bad that it is only in patches about 30 feet at a time. My luck was that the phone seemed to ring right when I went into one of those spots and I couldn't move any further without getting the call disconnected.

I didn't get to my bike until 10:45, but at least it was there.

Unfortunately I didn't have much luck using the fix-a-flat. Even after 2 cans, the tire was just as flat as when I started. So it was a 3 mile walk back to the motel and while I was on my way back I had to make calls to get someone out to pick up my bike.

Fortunately for me I have people in an office that can help me out with this. So while I was making the walk back, they were making calls in an effort to get me some help.

I got back to the motel around noon and by then my office had made contact with the Harley Davidson dealership in Santa Fe. Fortunately for me, they pick up bikes within a 200 miles for free! They were scheduled to come and get me around 2:00. That gave me enough time to have a little lunch. I hadn't eaten since 2:00 on Wednesday and I was tired from the 8 miles I had walked. My feet were killing me.

So around 2:00 I see the truck from Santa Fe Harley Davidson. Inside it is one of the biggest bikers I've ever seen. I thought his name would be either "Tiny" or "Killer". If I would have been broken down on the road and he stopped (on his bike) asking me if I needed help I would have told him I was fine and not to worry about me.

But since he was coming from the Harley dealership I figured he was pretty safe. His name was Rick and he turned out to be a great guy.

After picking me up we he took me and my bike into Santa Fe. We made it by 3:00 and I was now only an hour away from Albuquerque. Jeff was still on his way and was going to pick me up and take me into Albuquerque. My bike would not be ready until Friday.

Jeff picked me up about 6:00 just before the dealership closed and we made it to the club right about 7:00. Since the show was at 8:30 we had just enough time to get back to the condo and get ready for the show. We made it just in time.

Friday was a good day. Jeff took me out to get my bike and after an uneventful ride back; my bike and I were now in Albuquerque.

Saturday would not be so good....

The plan was simple. Go down to the Flying Star for some coffee and Internet access. I just had to stop off at the Wal Mart on the way to pick up a few things I needed.

When I came out of the Wal Mart I found my bike tipped over and the front fender was crushed. Someone had hit it and left it there. No one saw anything and there was no note. So back into the Wal Mart I went, so I could buy a crowbar to pry the fender off my front tire. Once that was done, I was able to get to the Flying Star.

It was there that I received a call from my office. Over 300 of my Internet customers were out of service. The equipment that serviced them is located in a business that was getting the electrical wiring upgraded. They had decided to shut off the power to the building without letting me know or making any allowance for my needs. There would be no power until late in the day.

Great.....

On Sunday I get a call from The Bulldog. She lets me know that the son of one of our friends committed suicide. His funeral in on Wednesday.

All the sudden my week wasn't so bad.....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Breakfast With Dad


I admit I enjoy torturing my kids, but I believe it is my God given right to do so.

After all, I spend a lot of my time worrying about them and I have to get rid of my stress somehow. Making my kids crazy is just the way to do it.

We spent this past Sunday morning in Denver. On our Sunday mornings there we have a tradition of going out to breakfast. Along with breakfast my children expect me to embarrass and/or gross them out.

This Sunday was no exception.

It all started before we left for breakfast. I had this zit (very rare) right under my nose. I'd been waiting for it to get that yellow head stage for a couple of days.

Well it finally did on Sunday and I used that opportunity to gross my girls out by squeezing it in front of them. At that point The Keeper swore she was not going to be able to eat.

So then it is just a 2 1/2 block walk to the diner where we eat. I used that time by asking my girls to look closely at what was left of my zit. To my surprise they wouldn't take me up on my offer.

Once we got to the diner and got seated the games really began.

I started when my orange juice came. For some reason or another the girls get grossed out just because I put sugar and salt in it. So that's how I drink mine when I am with them, because I know it bothers them.

Then when they were not looking I drank their water.

Then I ate some of the jelly packets, one of each flavor. For some reason or another, this offends them.

For my next trick I took their straws and stuck them up my nose. After they protested I licked the part off that was in my nose and offered to return them.

They politely refused.

At this point The Keeper once again pronounces she will not be able to eat.

Then once we start eating there is the lot of belching and farting. Each time I look at the girls to express my disgust.

I love being immature.....

I've always done this stuff to them and it started early on.

I used to tell them the wildest stories.

When they were really little I had them convinced there was an adult version of Pokemon, it was the purple version. Instead of Pikacha and Jiggleypuf my version had Herb and Fred.

Then there were all the other things I had convinced them of:

There was no such thing as the Olson Twins, there was really only one and they used trick photography to make it look like there were two. And the Olsen twins were actually one little boy that was made to dress up in girls clothes.

That the Teletubbies were actually a family that were in the witness relocation program. They had originally been a stage family in Vegas but after they witnessed a murder they had to go underground. But they couldn't give up their "show biz" career. So in exchange for their testimony they were allowed to stay in show business as Teletubbies.

I also convinced them that Santa Claus was actually inside the Barney suit. He worked as Barney because the elves made all the toys and he only had to be Santa one night a year. He just took that day off from being Barney.

But don't judge me.

I still let them believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. And it cost me a lot of money.....

Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Letter From My Car


September 3, 2006

You miserable cocksucker,

I just turned 12 last month and how did you thank me for that? A 1,983 mile trip to Canada across North Dakota in 100 degree heat.

Thanks a lot!

And did you ever think about stopping for something other than gas and to take a shit? I mean ... come on! I need to get a rest sometimes too. I'm getting old and already have rolled your sorry ass almost 430,000 miles. Haven't I put my time in? Don't I deserve a little break now and then?

Of course I do but that's seems to be a little more than your inconsiderate mind can grasp.

No, now your all about that skinny new Harley you have. Little Miss slick and shiny.

You spend all your free time riding her around and making sure she's all shiny and clean. When's the last time you washed me? Oh I remember; it was when the gas overflowed and you used a little of that dirty water the gas station puts out to clean windshields with to wash the gas off.

I feel so special.

I don't know why you spend so much time with that Harley anyway, she's not there for you like I've been.

Where was she when I was taking you through that snowstorm outside of Aspen. There was 4" of snow an hour coming down and visibility was near zero. And the cold; don't get me started.

Were was your precious Harley then? I'll tell you where; inside your garage afraid to come out. Right next to that other old sleazebag you have. You know, the one you were so excited about 5 years ago and spent all that money on her. Where is she now? Taking up space in the garage that whore.

Well you'd better start to treat me a little better because you know what? Some day I will be gone and then what? You'll be sorry that's what.

Maybe you could just spend a little quality time with me. We could go down to the car wash and then the Jiffy Lube. It would be fun!

But I doubt you'll ever do that, because I know you. You stick your key in me and you know I get all hot and just can't help but do what you want.

I don't know how you can live with yourself.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

August 31


Note: There will not be any humor in this blog entry. This one is about my life. When I started writing this blog my plan was to write about a comics life and what was goes on in it. I never planned on making each one funny. I always saw this blog as a way to give the readers a window into my world. So this blog may not be what you would normally expect, but I hope you enjoy it just the same. I'd like to thank all of you who read it.

So I was writing the blog "1983" and while I was adding up the cost of my trip and it came to $831.00. Since I was playing with numbers in that blog it caused me to think about the date August 31. It is the day that I married the mother of my children and it is the birthday of a woman that made a big difference in my life at a time when it meant the most.

The women would be Kathy and Sonya. Here is a little something about how they affected my life.

Kathy

I met Kathy in 1983. At the time we were both working at a bank in Antioch Illinois. She was in the bookkeeping department and I was a loan officer in the Installment Loan department.

Kathy was married at the time and I was a single guy keeping my options open. I was in the middle of a divorce and not really looking for anything permanent or long lasting. I thought she was nice enough but I have a strict "no cheating rule" so I never put a lot of effort into thinking about her.

One thing led to another and I really did start to like Kathy and I always thought she liked me. What I didn't know was that she was having trouble in her marriage. When she separated from her husband we started dating.

And as they say the rest is history....

I will admit I will always be grateful to Kathy. If not for her I would not be the father of 3 of the most wonderful human beings on the planet. I never wanted children until I met her. There was just something about her that changed my mind and to this day I don't know what it was. I am just happy it happened.

She also was the one that gave me the courage to tell my parents I loved them. Now I know that may sound stupid but up until I was somewhere around 30 I had never told my parents I loved them.

I was pretty close to my mom but my relationship with my dad was distant. My dad is a doctor and spent a lot of time away from the house. When he was home he had a lot to do. Also we have some pretty big cultural differences. He born in 1915 in Hungary and lived his life there until the end of World War II. Being from Hungary he didn't get TV, football, basketball, or baseball. I didn't care about soccer, reading or swimming which were the things he was interested in. Add to that a huge age difference (I was born when he was 42) and you get distance..

Now I'm not saying he didn't love me. We just didn't do much together. He always provided for his family. He always took care of us when we were sick. He didn't drink or treat us badly. He worried about us and I know he loved us. He just wasn't the kind of guy that would express it.

Kathy is from a larger family than I am and they are very good at expressing their love for each other. It felt good to be a part of that. I wanted that with my parents to.

I'll admit that it actually took some courage to tell my parents I loved them and I have no idea why. But when I finally did it felt great. Since then we've been able to freely express our feelings with each other. It's really made a difference in my relationship with my parents.

Unfortunately my relationship with Kathy did not turn out as well. We separated in 1995 and were divorced shortly thereafter.

Sonya

I met Sonya on October 17, 1995. I was working as an opener at Laffs Comedy Cafe' in Albuquerque. She was working as a waitress at the club. There is a pretty firm rule in the comedy business; "don't fuck the wait staff".

I had never violated the rule but always hung out with the wait staff, just in a friendly way. On a whim I asked Sonya out to lunch. Not because I intended to sleep with her, just because I wanted to go out to lunch with pretty girl.

Well Sonya and I hit it off and not only did I end up violating the rule, my relationship with her turned out to be one of the most important I had ever had.

When I met Sonya I was probably at the lowest point of my life. My marriage was ending and I felt I had lost everything. I considered Kathy my best friend. So in addition to losing my best friend and love of my life. I wasn't seeing my kids as much, I felt I had also lost my children. I had lost MY family.

I felt that I was unlovable and worthless. To be real honest with you I did not feel like living anymore. I came very close to taking my own life, I had even picked a date and a time. But (as you already know) I didn't go through with it. The truth is if it wasn't for my kids I would have probably done it, but I decided that I did not want them to live the rest of their lives with the stigma of a father that committed suicide.

So once I chose to live I still had to choose to recover and heal. Sonya was a big part of that. I fell in love with her and she loved me back. She nurtured my soul and made me feel lovable again. She was a confident woman and she taught me to be confident again. She let me know I was lovable.

She is also the one that got me interested in reading. She used to give me books she thought I would like to read. I enjoyed them all and have continued to read ever since. Reading also gave me the interest in writing, which has led to this blog.

Unfortunately things didn't work out with Sonya either. It was a long distance relationship and the truth is we weren't entirely compatible. We had some differences that in the long term would have become a problem.

She also had a male roommate and I knew all along that he was in love with her. I felt that she had an attraction to him as well. She was in denial about it but once I bowed out of my relationship with her they ended up engaged and married.

Even though I knew that was the way it was supposed to be when it happened it still broke my heart.

I continued to love her even after that. I compared everyone I met to her and no one made the cut. I continued to do that until the beginning of this year.

It was then that fate interceded. I found out that Sonya was separated from her husband and getting a divorce. It gave me the opportunity to contact her and that contact enabled me to clear some things up.

I felt like I finally was able to move on and enter into a relationship with someone without comparing them to her. And luckily for me I have met a very nice woman and I am now in a really great relationship.

So there you have it, 2 women, one day.

It is funny what a difference a day can make.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Leave Me Alone!


Why is it that when you people see a bigger guy running you feel the need to stop him to ask questions?

Do you think I need a break?

Do I look tired to you? Do I look like I want to talk?

Well I'm not and I don't, I just want to be left alone. Having you stop me to ask if I know where an address is, have I seen your dog, how are you today or can you introduce yourself to me is not a good thing.

I don't care, I'm busy.

I'm waiting for the day some woman stops me to ask "Do I look fat in this". I swear I'm just going to say yes.

Don't bother me while I'm running, you see running is important to me. I don't just run so I can eat 3 or 4 Snickers bars a day. I run for my emotional health.

It all started in 1994. I was about 9 months into what would end up being an 18 month process that would end up in my wife and I splitting up. I was working in Albuquerque New Mexico (my first week getting paid as a comic) with a comic named Stephen Kruiser. I remember him telling me what a stress reliever running was and thinking "I have stress!". Well that idea stuck in my head and in May of 1995 I worked with Don McMillan (most famous for being Gus the Budweiser driver) in Tucson Arizona. He had just finished filming the commercials and was running to improve his stamina. I thought, "OK, I can use that too". So those 2 events got me started. I began running in May of 1995 and have run ever since.

Running is what made the difference for me. During the divorce I was in a pretty deep depression. The bad news for me is that depression = eating. I was eating for 2 and not even pregnant! Plus eating really didn't turn out to be a great stress reliever.

I would run after I got home from court hearings and meetings with the attorney. If you'd have been close enough to hear me while I was running you'd have thought I had turrets. It was basically 5 steps and a swear word. I made the runs my time to vent. It beat being negative at other times and I figured it saved me $20 a day by NOT going to Subway to feed my face in a effort to calm down.

By the time I made it through the divorce, I was hooked. On the Snickers and the running. I run 3 days on and 1 day off. I have to tell you that when I skip a day I actually feel guilty. I feel like I've let myself down. It doesn't stop me from having the Snickers bars, but I do feel bad.

By the year 2000 I decided to run my first marathon. For those that don't know a marathon is 26.2 miles. They have training programs to prepare you and they run 16 weeks. So I picked a training schedule, stuck with it (as best I could) and on September 2, 2000 I ran the American Discover Marathon Trail in Colorado Springs Colorado from start to finish. Beyond being a father it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

Of course I celebrated by eating an entire 16" pizza by myself while washing it down with a large Chocolate Malt and (2) 32 ounce Mountain Dews.

After running 26.2 miles I was stiff! I was walking like I was 80 years old. And did I mention I am lactose intolerant? That made for a pretty interesting night. Here I was barely able to walk and my colon was screaming in agony from the Malt and all the cheese. I then understood the need for "Depends" in our society.

Since then I have run 4 more Marathons. The last one in Phoenix in January. I've learned, instead of pizza and Malts it's Mexican food and Margaritas. My colon still screams but the Margaritas help with my attitude about it.

So if you happen to see me out there running (which I doubt) don't stop and say hi.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Riding in the Rain


And there was a LOT of rain. We also had a little hail.

But it was totally worth it.

I spent most of Saturday in Cripple Creek Colorado at the 19th annual POW/MIA recognition ride.

First I have to say that I have a great admiration for anyone in the service. In 1975 I missed the draft by 30 days and was very happy at the time. I was no where near mature enough to be in the military and if I had ever been sent to combat I would have probably gotten myself and several other people killed. So the government really dodged a bullet when I wasn't drafted.

The truth is I still haven't matured enough to enlist. Fortunately for me I can use my age as an excuse now.

I have no idea what the actual percentage is but it seems to me that most bikers over the age of 45 are ex-military. So there was a lot of pride (and rightfully so) displayed in Cripple Creek on Saturday.

I rode up with my biker friends Freedom and his wife Sally. They are definitely loaners when it comes to the bike thing. They don't ride with just anyone, I suppose they've just taken pity on me and allow me to tag along with them. This is an event that they have been going to since the beginning, this is my 4th year.

We left very early in the morning to get up to Cripple Creek in time to get some good parking. It's about an hour ride and at 7:00am going up the mountain it was cold. There's nothing like a wind chill around 5 degrees in August to wake you up. I can tell you it's more effective than caffeine any day!

And thank God for that cold weather! It meant that people had to actually dress warmly to be hanging out up there. That meant (mercifully) that none of the nasty women could put themselves on display. There is nothing that causes me to lose my interest in people watching faster than seeing 3 overweight women in row wearing tight clothing the should have the label "Omar the Tent Maker" on the tag.

That doesn't mean I didn't see weird looking people.....

I saw a guy that had skin that was actually gray. He looked like someone had shrunk his skin onto his face because you could see every bone in his skull. I've never seen anything like it. If he was in Africa they would have just cut his head off and left it at that!

The there was the midget that was out with the doo rag, leather coat and all the patches. There was no way that guy was a biker. He couldn't even reach the peddles!

Then there was the 60+ year old severely overweight woman wearing a halter top with her breasts exposed at the (yikes) bottom. Now I know I said it was cold but this women had a layer of fat a seal would have been jealous of. That's why she was able to wear that ridiculous looking halter top.

And that was just in the first 30 minutes.

For the first time we went to the opening ceremony. It was like being at a Catholic mass, without the kneeling. Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, geez; can someone make a decision!

It was really quite interesting and they did honor some POWs that had been invited for the weekend. There was on guy that was a World War II veteran. He actually survived the 1945 Black Hunger Death March. Here's a brief description I found on the net from another survivor:

By early 1945, the war was going badly for the Germans, and the Russian army began approaching from the east, so the Germans decided to move the POWs farther west. On February 5, 1945, we started on our BLACK HUNGER DEATH MARCH. This march numbered about 6000 men.

During the day, the prisoners marched four or five abreast. At night, we were herded into nearby barns with any luck. Often, the farmers would not let us into the barns, as they thought we would contaminate the animals with our lice and fleas and dysentery. We often slept on the ground. I remember that, at one place we stopped for the night, the ground was so covered with the feces of the group who had passed before us that we tried sleeping standing up against a tree.

We walked from morning till night every day. This was through one of Germany's worst winters.

We were wet most of the time either from snow or sleet or cold sweat. We got frostbite. We only had GI shoes, overcoat, cap, and winter underwear. Also we had two blankets. Four of us stuck together for protection and to share whatever food we could find. We slept together to try to keep warm.


What they don't tell you is that this was an 80 mile march over 80 days. As far as I'm concerned that guy had a bigger pair (if there was anything left of them) than any man I've ever seen.

There was also a POW from Korea that actually looked like Abe Lincoln. They actually called him Abe; absolutely amazing.

So after the ceremony it was time for a quick lunch. Then when it started warming up and the clothes started coming off, it was time to ride home. We rode through a pretty hard rainstorm and as I said in the beginning; we even got some hail.

And the best part?

Not one person waived.....

20 Things - The Remix


Bulletins, bulletins, bulletins........

Here's another that asks useless questions. So it seems only fair that I give useless answers.

So for your enjoyment, welcome to "20 Things" the remix.

My answers are in blue.

I want to know 20 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my list, so let me know who I'm friends with! SEND TO MY INBOX.

1.Your Full Name:

Are you kidding? This is MySpace! I'm supposed to stay anonymous!

2. Age:

Whatever it says on my profile. I need to continue to live the lie.

3. Single or taken:

I'm single, I tried the "taken" thing but there always seem to be a witness and the police ALWAYS show up.

4. Favorite Movie:

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. There's just something about a horrific movie that appeals to me. And "Little Women" because I can relate.

5. Favorite Song:

"We are the World", it makes me feel all "gushy" inside.

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

Ain't that the truth.....

1. Do we know each other outside of MySpace?

I sure hope not.

2. What's your philosophy on life?

Up yours!

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

Yes, that's usually how I start. An attack from behind.

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

I don't know. How much are they going to pay me?

5. What is your favorite memory of us?

The time we robbed that bank and beat up and tortured the men. Then we had our way with all the women.

6. Would you give me a kidney?

Only if it came out of my grocers meat counter.

7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

One side of my penis is longer than the other.

8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

I'm already "sick" of you! Of course not.

9. Can we get together and make a cake?

If you are a hot looking women, I'm single and that's what you kids call fucking these days.....

10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

I heard you stick a carrot up you butt and fart to fire it out. It heard you can hit the bulls-eye at 50 feet 9 out of 10 times.

11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

Every chance I get. I hate you.

12. Do you think I'm a good person?

Only if you think I am.

13. Would you drive across country with me?

Only if you are a HOT woman that wants to blow me. And you have to pay all the expenses.

14. Do you think I'm attractive?

I've always thought that everyone was attractive in some way. Then you came along and proved me wrong.

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

I'd ask you to quit sending these bulletins.

16. What do you wear to sleep?

Tonight I'm gong to wear my fairy costume. Last night I wore my clown suit.

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

So you don't know I'm the one that took the $50 out of you wallet last time.

18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?

How many time do I have to say this? Only if you are a HOT women that wants to blow me. Otherwise I have no time for you.

19. If we only had one day to live, what would we do together?

I'm going to get blind drunk and shoot up some heroin. Then I'm going screw as many STD infected hookers as I can.

20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

After all that I wrote about you? I don't think so.....

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sturgis 2009


That is the year I will FINALLY be able to go to Sturgis.

I have always seen the Sturgis rally as a pilgrimage. Like the "Hajj" when the Muslims pilgrimage to Mecca. They say that every Muslim that is physically and financially able to do so must participate in this pilgrimage.

I believe it should be the same for bikers when it comes to Sturgis. And when I say biker, I mean REAL biker. Not some of these weekend warriors, but more about that later.

I've attempted a pilgrimage to Sturgis twice in my life. Once in 1978 and again in 1980. I didn't make it either time. You see I did it the right way, I actually rode my bike there, or at least I tried to. Back then I lived in Illinois and both times I broke down on the way out. In 1978 I was in Kansas and in 1980 I was in Minnesota. I could have hitched a ride in both times but I had too much self respect to go into Sturgis on anything other than my own bike.

That's because your bike is supposed to be an extension of who you are, not who you want to be. Riding someone else's bike is like making love to someone else woman. First of all, you got no business doing it unless they gave you permission and even then it may be exciting but it just never feels right.

Author note: I have never slept with anyone else's woman (unless they didn't tell me), so I can only guess about it.

Back to my point.....

I'm a long time biker, I started riding in 1973. Maybe I am living in the past but when you get a bike you are supposed to make it your own. I know a lot of guys that grumble when they see some gal riding a Harley that is painted pink and set up to be all girly. It's not for me but in my never to be humble opinion she just as much a biker as any guy I know. She made her bike into what she wanted it to be. That's to entire point of owning one. So if she had the balls (so to speak) to paint it hot Pink let her. She can resell it to some gay man in San Francisco when she's finished with it. I don't care.

What bugs me are all the new bikers these days wearing their "costumes". They get a Harley and all the sudden they have a weekend wardrobe. Leathers, boots, Harley shirts, hats, glasses, doo rags and even underwear. They go to their local Harley dealership and spend thousands of dollars to get the Harley "look". It's something they will never achieve because there is no "look". You are supposed to be you on a bike, not a caricature of what you think you are supposed to be.

I was riding yesterday between Canon City and Florence and happened to ride past this guy on an older FLH. He was wearing a pair of overalls with tennis shoes on. The way he was carrying himself I thought "Now there's a real biker".

And you know what, he didn't wave at me. I couldn't have been happier.

As I have said before, I hate the wave. Why is it that when you people get a Harley you feel you have to wave at every other person you see riding one? We are not in the same "club". You are making this look like a gay pride parade.

I'm telling you I start swearing under my breath every time someone waves at me.

When you are in your car do do you ride around waving at everyone that drives the make? Of course you don't. You are self absorbed and anti-social. That is the way it is supposed to be. Nobody cares that you are driving around in your Honda.

Just like nobody cares that you are riding around on your Harley.

And it's not even supposed to be a wave. It's supposed to be your arm held out at 8 o'clock with your hand made into a fist. It's from a old warriors tradition and started as a way of showing respect for the others you saw out riding. But that went away 20 years ago.

It was tough back then, no one wanted you in their place. Now there are signs that say "bikers welcome".

My new friend JD was telling me about a time when he had ridden all day and it was late in evening. He was tired and and looking for a place to sleep. He saw a motel on the road with a vacancy sign lit . He pulled in and as soon as he stopped his engine the NO light came on. They didn't want him back then because they thought bikers were trouble. Now they would be outside waving him in because they are pretty sure he has an American Express and 5 or 6 Visa cards.

What got me started on this whole thing was my trip to pick up my son last weekend.

I was coming back from Canada and saw a lot of people headed towards Sturgis. Let me tell you what I saw.....

Too many Harleys on a trailer.

The whole point of Sturgis is riding. Not only riding while you are at Sturgis but getting their should be part of it as well. Quit being a pussy. Pack your shit on your bike and ride your ass to Sturgis. The only time a bike should be on a trailer or in the back of a pickup truck is if it cannot be ridden.

Some guy on a bike with temporary plates, blonde highlights and a trophy girlfriend.

This guy is lucky there will be a lot of people at Sturgis, maybe no one will notice him. Blonde highlights? If he does get noticed he will be taken aside, beaten, his bike parted out and his woman would intimately know an entire gang of bikers.

Nasty women.

What is it about being on the back of a bike that leads women to believe they can wear revealing clothes? Especially when they shouldn't be revealing anything. Here's a little tip for you girls. If the crack of your ass is hanging over both sides of the seat you should not be wearing anything tight enough to show any of your body.

Good grief......

So 2009 is my year. I can't before then because Sturgis week is always a week with my kids. There is NO WAY I will take my girls to Sturgis. They would attract way too much attention and not the good kind.

I just hope by the time I get there you people have learned something.

I don't want to have an aneurysm.....

Sunday, August 06, 2006

1983


That is the number of miles I traveled in my car Thursday and Friday.

If you divide it by 60 ( the minutes in an hour) it comes to the number of hours (33) that I spent in the car.

Multiply it by 10 cents per mile and it becomes 198.30, the amount I spent on gas to get back and forth.

Multiply it by .01 (a penny) and then by 3 (the number of us traveling) and you get 59.49, the amount spent on our room for the night.

Multiplying it by a penny also gets what seems to be the average cost for 3 people eating fast food on the road.

1983 also was the year that I met the mother of my children, which is what got me into all this.

So here's the story.....

On Thursday I drove to the International Peace Gardens which is 15 miles north of Dunseith North Dakota to pick up The Ponderer. He has been working at the International Band Camp since the beginning of June.

He has been going to the camp every summer as a student since he was 9. This is the first year he has gone as an employee. He spent the last 2 months working in the kitchen. His sisters have been calling him the "Lunch Lady".

Of course leaving town is never easy for me. Usually it is business related matters that get me a late start. This time I got out on time but I took a pretty good hit in the wallet to do so. I had to pay out the nose to get new springs and struts installed on the rear of my trusty Honda Civic. You'd think I could get more than 430,000 miles out of them. They just don't make cars the way they used to.

Why new springs and struts? Because there was going to be a lot of us in my little car, I was taking the girls with me. They were anxious to see their brother, they really missed him.

So off we went Thursday morning. Miss Sensitivity, The Keeper and I with a minimum amount of luggage because my son had everything he took to camp with him and we had to make sure we had the room for it.

Actually we shouldn't even have had luggage, but getting teenage girls to travel anywhere without several changes of clothes is just not going to happen. The best I was able to do was convince them to bring 2 days worth of clothing and minimal makeup supplies. Why they needed makeup is beyond me. I didn't think they were going to meet anyone inside my car or at one of the 10 minute gas stops we were going to make.

The reality is my kids are all great traveling companions. They've gone on lot's of road trips with me. All they do is sleep, read or listen to their MP3 player. They spend no time interacting with me, they don't ask for any additional stops and I never hear "are we there yet".

The truth is it is just like traveling by myself, very lonely.

So there is nothing interesting to tell about the drive from Denver to Bottineau North Dakota. We stayed in a Super 8 there because it was inexpensive and had high speed Internet.

The kids love motel living and always have. There seems to be something about small bars of soap and small bottles of shampoo that really excites them.

They are also always impressed by the free food given out in the morning at the "breakfast buffet". They really hit the jackpot this time because this Super 8 has a waffle maker! They gleefully made waffles for themselves on Friday morning and sampled all the juices the motel had to offer.

They were very happy.....

On Friday morning from Bottineau it was just a 30 minute drive to pick up my son. I had talked with him on the way up and told him to be ready at 8:00AM and he was standing outside waiting. He had no idea I was bringing the girls and was very surprised when they almost knocked him over while hugging him.

He had his things ready and we stuck them in the car. By the time we got everything in the entire back of the car was filled up. You could not even see out of the back window.

Of course The Ponderer had his food with him. It consisted of an entire Pepperoni pizza stacked in slices wrapped in tin foil; 2 very large bags of ripple potato chips; and a box of 30 Peanut Butter Toll House cookies. The only thing missing was a 6 pack of Mountain Dew, I'm sure he drank that the night before.

The trip back was uneventful. It's the weekend before Sturgis and there were a lot of bikers headed that way. In 4 hours I counted 346 Harleys, the lucky bastards. There will be more about that soon.

So we got in about 10:30 on Friday night and were really tired. I did have time to start this blog and do the math. It cost me $198.30 for gas; $118.98 for food; $454.23 for car repairs; and $59.49 for lodging. The total cost of this trip......

$831

When I saw 831 I immediately thought of August 31, that is the day I married my kids mom. It is also the birthday of Sonya, someone that made a real difference in my life.

On the way back I asked The Ponderer how much money he had left. He told me he had un-cashed paychecks totaling more than $1,000. I asked him if he was going to work at the camp next year and he said yes.

I see a bus in his future.....

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Connie the Cantankerous


Definition: Cantankerous
  • bloody-minded: stubbornly obstructive and unwilling to cooperate
  • having a difficult and contrary disposition
Being the booker of a club can be good and bad.....

Meeting Connie was definitely one of the bad things.

Now I'm going to tell you that I normally do not speak to comics that are interested in working at Wits End on the phone. It's not that I am being anti-social (which would be true in most cases), it is because there would not be enough time in a day to talk to them all.

Comics are the telemarketers of the comedy world, but unlike regular telemarketers they are much more persistent. And I don't blame them, I'm a comic too and making calls is what you have to do to get work. You see there is a glut of sorts in the comedy world. There are more comedians than work available. Add to that all the people that think they are funny and the number is huge. So how do I book comics you ask?

That great and wonderful place called the Internet. I have a special web site that I use. That along with email is all I need. I actually speak to very few comics on the phone and I like it that way.

My motto is the same as every other bookers on the planet. Don't call me, I'll call you (if I feel like it). The only difference between me and many of the other bookers is that at least I am up front and honest about it.

Now I have never seen Connie the Cantankerous do comedy but I am going to tell you I'm pretty sure she is in the "I think I'm funny group". And by the time I finish this blog I believe you will feel the same way.

So as I said, normally I would not take a call from a comic wanting to work at Wits End. There would be 3 reasons for that; the first being that comics do not have my number (I am almost never at the club); the 2nd being if I took every call I wouldn't have time to do anything else and finally as I explained before, I do all that on the Internet.

But this woman was given my personal and private number by my old friend and comedy mentor Brad Hartman. So I figured if Brad felt I should talk to her there must be good reason.

This is how the call went.....

(Lot's of paraphrasing going on in this dialog)

Me: This is Vilmos, can I help you?

CC: My name is Connie and I was given your name by Brad Hartman. He thought that you would be able to help me get an opening week at Wits End.

Me: Well Connie I would like to help but I only book the Feature and Headline acts. All of the openers for the club are booked by the manager Don Walters.

I'm thinking: I'm going to get a little information on her experience. That way I can give Don a heads up after I get off the phone with her.

Me: So Connie where have you worked?

CC: Well I've never worked at a club before, but I have done guest sets and killed.

I'm thinking: Well she probably doesn't have the experience to work at the club. So now would be a good time to suggest she get a guest set at our place to audition for work. I'm doubting she has the "chops". Someone that "kills" every time they are on stage almost never mentions it. Plus if she was killing doing guest sets she would at least be working as an opener/MC. Club managers and bookers do not ignore women comics that kill. Women comics (in general) are in short supply and high demand.

Me: It would be a good idea for you to get a guest set at the club and let Don see you perform. That would help you get a week.

CC: I don't think I should have to do that. After all, I've been doing comedy since 1995 and I kill every time I'm on stage. I'm always better than the Feature acts that follow me. The reason I'm not being booked is because I'm a tall and aggressive woman. I'm 6'3" and that intimidates men. That's why they never book me.

I'm thinking: If you were that good you would be working for sure. I'm guessing that you have an inflated view of how well you do on stage. That's why you are not working. Plus I can already tell you are a pain in the ass. Gee, that makes you a VERY desirable comic to work with.

Me: So you are saying that you should actually be Featuring?

CC: Absolutely, like I told you before, men are intimidated by me. I consistently kill and am better than Feature acts that are working. I am not getting booked because I am a tall woman.....

Me: Well Connie with all due respect.....

I'm thinking: OK the disclaimer is out there.

Me: ...... there is a definite progression in comedy and everyone does it the same way. You start as an open micer for a couple years. Then work as an opener for a few years. Then if you are doing well enough you start to Feature at one-nighters and some clubs. That's the way it works for everyone.

CC: But I've been doing comedy for 15 years and I don't need to be opening. I should be Featuring.

I'm thinking: OK, this girl is clueless. Maybe I can straighten her out so she doesn't make a fool of herself.

Me: But I don't think you understand. No one goes straight from open mic to Feature. It just doesn't happen. I know over 500 comics and not one of them has skipped a step. Everyone has done it the same way; open mic-opener-feature. There is no other way.

Note: What follows is a 10 minutes exchange. I explaining the way things work in the comedy business. She telling me I am not listening to her and that I am ignoring her reality. The entire time she is letting me know I have no idea what I'm talking about.

and the conversation continues.....



CC: I thought they were going to offer me a week at the Colorado Springs club but I can't work the Friday and Saturday shows. I have a regular gig. I'm a musician and those shows pay my bills. I can't take that time off.

Me: Well no one is going to hire you if you cannot work the weekend shows. There would be no point in hiring you and then having to find someone to work those shows.

CC: But you are not listening, I need that money. That's why I have to play music.

Me: Yes I heard you but sacrifice is a part of the business. It is a part of making it. No one makes money as an opener. We can't go to college to learn this. This is how we "pay" for our education.

CC: Well I am just not willing to do that.

Me: Well then comedy is not for you.

CC: But that is where my heart is telling me to go.....

Me: Well maybe you heart is wrong. If your heart told you to start blowing men in public would you feel the need to do that too?

CC: You are just like the rest of them. You are intimidated by me because I am a tall and strong woman.

Me: How can I be intimidated by your height. I've never seen you before and I'm talking to you on the phone. You could be a midget for all I know.

Note: Begin another 5 minutes of her talking over everything I say.

Me: (While she continues to speak): It is apparent to me that you are not willing to learn how the business works and you don't want to hear what I have to say. Good luck, I'm done trying to talk to you about this.

Click.....

The moral of the story is if you want to work anywhere you need to go find out what the company wants and work within their framework. Being belligerent and contrary will not get you anywhere.

She called back 5 minutes later (probably because she continued talking until the phone started making funny noises) and left a message for me. Her message was.....

"It was rude for you to hang up on me and it was not a pleasure talking to you."


Funny thing, I felt the same way, but there is a small difference. I will be headlining a club next week and still will be booking on of the finest clubs in the country.

She on the other hand will be playing music at a pizza parlor in Colorado Springs Friday and Saturday.

Now who is it that knows what they are talking about?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Man Are Happier Than Women - The Remix


As I have said before I cannot believe the number of bulletins that get sent out with seemingly useless information. So I figure, why can't I add a little something? So from time to time I will answer these bulletins MY way and we'll just call them a "Remix".

Men Are Just Happier People -- The Remix

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Simple? Then why are you always saying you don't understand us? If we are so simple then it should be very easy for you to understand us. And if you understood us we could be doing so much better in the couples department. Plus there would be no need to explain "Strip Club" night.

Your last name stays put.
That's not necessarily a good thing. There are few times in my life I would have liked have changed my last name. Mostly after an evening that involved wayyyy too much alcohol.

The garage is all yours.
Really? The why do you keep wanting to put your car in there? And what about all that junk of yours I have to store in it? Like the rocks you brought back from the lake in 1992.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Not the last time I checked. The reason we say "I don't care" is because we do not want to get into a 3 way grudge match with you and your mother over the color of the invitations.

Chocolate is just another snack.
For us it is a key to the promised land.

You can be President.
That's true, but you can be President with impunity. Who do you think was actually running the country when Bill Clinton was in office. A title does not a president make.

You can never be pregnant.
Why would we want to be? It looks very uncomfortable.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
So can you. That is actually the way we prefer you dress.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Did you read the above answer?

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
I seriously doubt that car mechanics tell anyone the truth.

The world is your urinal.
Ok, I'll give you this one. But only after I've been drinking.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Who do you think made it "icky".

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
This is correct. We put our thought into "screwing".

Same work, more pay.
Not for stripping and hooking.

Wrinkles add character.
Not to your penis.

Wedding dress $5000, tux rental $100
That's only because you don't hold out for better price. Plus we don't want to keep ours only to be depressed 10 years later when we can't fit into it anymore.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
I wish they would, I'm getting tired of them staring at my crotch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
So are vaginal "farts".

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
That's because we buy them for fit and not looks.

One mood all the time.
Yes, hungry.....

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Less than that if the answer to "Are we having sex tonight" is yes.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase and most of the time just a carry on.
You need a change of clothes in 5 days?

You can open all your own jars.
Yes we can. But opening up some other things takes a lot more effort.

You almost never have strap problems in public.
No, be we have a lot of "adjusting" that needs to be done.

No wonder men are happier.
The happy men are the ones that know their women are in charge and accept it.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Send this to a woman you know that will hate it so she just one more thing to be hormonal about.....

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Some People Never Learn


You'd think that after all that happened She who must not be named would just give it a rest. So I suppose since she is still at it I might as well give you who may give a shit an update.....

I knew when this all started that she wouldn't be able to stop stalking me, it's just not in her character to do so. Even now (and she told me this herself) she continues to stalk a guy she ended a relationship with well over a year ago.

Even girls in high school know when to quit. I suppose that tells you a lot about her.

So she continues to snoop around my life and try to find find people to help her in her quest for revenge. More about that later.

She has even written a blog about me. Thank God there has only been one. Not because I am worried about anything she might say (I'm not). It's just that her writing (and spelling) leave something to be desired.

Below is a blog she posted on June 24. She is attempting to rebut what I said in my blog A Fairy Tale on June 23.

If you have not read it yet click here.

You'd think that she could at least come up with something original instead of copying my format.

Here it is with my comments (in blue).....

A VILe Fairytale

Is this great or what! She started out with a real zinger in the title! She took the first part of my name and added the letter "e" and it makes the word "vile". She is so clever!

The only problem is no one knows me as Vil and if you want to do it right it should be
VILMOSe so the name stands out.

Once upon a time......

There was a good woman loyal to her friends and honest to a fault.

Honest to a fault? I suppose so if you consider making up fake profiles on dating sites to stalk your ex-boyfriend honest I'll give you that one.

One day while she was minding her own business playing backgammon (and stalking her ex-boyfriend) on her computer she got a message from a little troll trying to be funny.
I don't "try" to be funny. I am in fact very funny. She seemed to enjoy my blogs. Here is a comment she made on one of my blogs:

"Looks like Mongo is getting some mail....I sent the address of your blog to him telling Him "hey your famous....check it out" I felt like this was the thing to do...lol. It was really nice of him to give you another topic for your halarious blogs...just thought he deserved some credit for it...lol"

Posted by She who must not be named on Sunday, May 07, 2006 at 8:33 AM

Note: The above is an exact quote

He seemed to be nice enough and called her all the time and emailed her about what a nice troll he was.

I never said I was nice. I just am just who I am. I think that if anyone takes the time to read my blogs they can tell I don't consider myself "nice". And I object to the use of "troll". A troll is someone on the Internet that is anonymous. I am far from that.

Being a good woman she tried to over look the VILe way the troll looked and wanted to see the good in him.

Is she calling me ugly?

So she decided to date the little troll.

She practically begged me to go out with her.

After a while she became bored with the little troll because it seemed the trolls business of harvesting mushrooms was going bad and he had little time to spend with the woman.

Again she speaks about my personal business. Not a very nice thing to do.

But in reality the troll was talking to another woman, good and as kind as she was.

I was talking to my Imaginary Girlfriend. I have a nice little blog on her but I'm saving it for a time when enough people will see it. And here what My Imaginary girlfriend thought of She who must not be named:

Date: May 29, 2006 8:38 AM She who must not be named

First off ... good morning,

Between 6:58 and 7:24 I have gotten 5 emails from Sinnndy... I don't know what they say, because I don't want to open them , if I do she will know I am online....I left Myspace open last night , forgot to close it after we got off the phone... so I was automatically logged in for the day when I did get on about 30minutes ago... so I am sure she is wigging out wondering why I am not responding to her...

I decided at this point to put off writing her an email until tomorrow... first, because I just want to have a quiet day with the kids after the weekend, and she has today off and LOTS of time on her hands to be pissed off and feeling rejected... so I will leave it at that. The only thing that will change that, is if I get a bunch of phone calls from her...Then I will be forced to write her a scathing rejecting... leave me the fuck alone you psycho ... Letter


That's friendship for you!

He told the other woman that he was in love with her and wanted to spend his life with her. Promising to let her ride his tricycle and call it their tricycle.

First of all it's a Harley. No self respecting troll would ride a tricycle. And anyone that knows anything about motorcycles (or Harley riders) knows I would have never offered to share my Harley. It's mine, all mine!

Telling her that they were soul mates and that their love would last forever. All along the little troll was still talking to the 1st woman and calling her his girlfriend.

I never called She who must not be named my girlfriend and I never committed myself to her. She is the one that wanted that. That is really what this is all about. My not wanting her.

I know now that I should have kept dating her, I made a big mistake. Who wouldn't want someone that was stalking their ex-boyfriend, having the police come by her house because his tires are all flat and practices "black magic"?

What a find!


Well one day the two women met and they were instant friends.

Did you read the above email?

The two women decided That the Troll was evil and would someday get everything that he deserved. Witch of course would all be VILe.

This is where the fairy tale takes a turn. This is where my Imaginary Girlfriend gets pissed and turns She who must not be named onto me like a Doberman on a fresh steak.

So the little troll was angered that he had been caught by the two women in his lies so he began to write blogs about them and all his other little trolls that think he is funny Were believeing all his lies and that made the little troll very happy because once again he gets to decieve people and that is what the little troll loves most.

I was angered by all the stalking and the blogs were very well received. Too bad they got my profile deleted. Even so, I saved all my comments and am going to post them on my site real soon.

But what the Little Troll didn't know that because of his blogs the women were being contacted by some of his mushroom business associates . The associates told them stories of just how vile the little troll was. And that this was not the first time the little troll did such a thing.

That's so untrue. I would love to have She who must not be named come up with anything that substantiates this. I already know she can't.

We'll deal with "mushroom business associates" in a minute.


The two women had very much in common (they are both psychotic) and now they and their children are family (Prozac sales should be increasing) and NO little Troll will ever tare their friendship apart. And they lived happily ever after.

Yes, they have plenty in common. Mental illness and a hate for me. Now there's a friendship that will last forever!

Moral of the Story: Stay away from little Trolls that continue to try to prove they are nice Trolls because they are really VILe.

The real moral of the story. Stay away from psychotic women on MySpace.

Now back to the blog.....

So what has happened since the last blog on this you ask?

Well she is still emailing people on my friends list and telling them things that are just untrue. All the while she claims I am fueling the fire when I specifically have gone out of my way to not say anything.

So this blog will be fuel on the fire, but I don't care.

She went way over the line recently when she contacted someone that is in a position of authority at a business I do computer work with. She is working with this person to try to keep me from working for that business. And they are one of my major accounts! So She who must not be named is trying to actually prohibit me from earning a living!

That's the kind of person I am dealing with.

Well her and her new friend got nowhere with their attempt. I have been doing computer work for them for years and have always done a good job. I also have a great working relationship with management there and when this employee that is in league with She who must not be named started her campaign I was able to quickly put an end to that. In fact it ended up being her friend who got in trouble.

So who's the troll now?